Things you'd put on people's status updates if you weren't as nice as you are

[Buddleja]

having just had a nose at my facebook home page today mine would be

"I really don't care what 'delicious' food you have cooked for dinner today, I wasn't interested yesterday either"

I don't give a fuck how many prams you've got/how many hours sleep you are getting/how many shits your child has had today (because actually, unlike you, I do not define myself only through my offspring)

I do not care what you think about Wagner or Ann Widdecomb.

Oh, and I think you've probably got Munchausens by Proxy judging by the incessant (minor) illnesses you are constantly banging on about.

And finally, stop the bloody passive-aggressive smugness about your wonderful family/husband/children.They are wonderful to you, so write it in a bloody journal (a private one preferably) to me, they're nice enough people, but normal.

I know you are disgustingly wealthy and have such wonderful and fantastic friends but do you really think you should go out 'partying' that often when you have 2 pre-school children at home?

Who is looking after them when you are hanging out of your arse every morning after 4 hours sleep.

And actually, drinking champagne on such a regular basis is a bit trashy.

And no, it is not wine o' fucking clock.

Stop name dropping

I don't give a crap about your daily tarot

Likewise I care not about 'what your profile pic says about you'

I block all Farmville/ Daily tarot/ homeopathy crap. It is good for my blood pressure not to see it.

"Stop sending me quiz applications with secret answers to reveal. I don't care if you think I'm cute or want to date me."

I do block these but they seem to breed like FB application rabbits. Once I think I've blocked them all a new one turns up.

please if you are going to post about what a dullard you are please do it in gramatically correct English.

or just fuck off.

of course this could apply to some of my own status updates too actually

no, I dont want to see your fucking scan pictures, nor will I repost your status because posting about how horrible child abuse is doesnt actually STOP it. volunteer for the NSPCC. donate to barnardo's. make a real contribution rather than trying to "raise awareness" using what is essentially a fucking chain letter so people can coo about how right you are.

and you chose to be fucking pregnant with your 3rd dc while your oldest is only just 4. you are 19 and your husband is a dickhead. thats the life you have chosen, now stop moaning and get on with it or do something about it.

Do you really believe this shit?

I find it really depressing that so many of my 'friends' watch X Factor. On Saturday nights my newsfeed consists almost entirely of:

'OMG? Talentless Twat No. 1 sooooooo deserved to win over Talentless Twat No. 2'

'Louis/Danni/Simon/Cheryl is a Stupid Twat'

etc etc

No response I can think of, really, other than maybe SHUT THE FUCK UP

I want a go!

Stop using text speak and trying to sound young and cool. You are 45 ffs and it makes you look stupid!!!!!!!!!

I am an X Factor updater. I shall sto forthwith.

oh, and leaving your dc's homework til sunday afternoon does not make you a "bad mummy", neither does letting them eat a homemade cupcake. it makes you a twat for being such a cliche!

I feel sorry for your children. Please stop

To the girl who's boyfriend is in jail and declares her undying love for and her children live with their grandparents ( she puts count downs til she see's them again eg 5 days till I see xxx-mai and xxx-jai) they were taken off her by social services

And I would say oh my god girl! Pick up your dignity off the floor!

To the girl who is pregnant and slates the father on her status eg. You are a selfish prick and will never see this baby, how dare you buy a wide screen tv when I need a buggy, I will slap xxx (his now girlfriend) when I've had this baby ect ect) vile xx

I don't care about Xfactor
I don't care what you are eating

Stop putting weekly "teaser" updates about how woe is you, then refusing to discuss it "in public" as soon as anyone expresses the concern you were so clearly courting.

I did once post 'oh do stop blathering' to someone who was pissing me off. And she apologised on FB.

Then I felt bad. But she really was going on and on about some minor slight from a department store which was soooo trivial (new carrier bag was creased and didn't look pristine)

"I know you're working cash in hand whilst claiming benefits so stop your whining about how skint you are."

i put as my status on saturday:Listen up because i am ill and in a very bad mood. Copying and pasting something onto your status does not mean you care, all it does is show that you are gullible, over-sensitive and have no imagination. Of course child abuse is wrong, but the current status doing the rounds is an urban myth, just because you C&P it doesn't mean you care more than me.

followed up by "and C&Ping said status does NOT constitute "doing something" about the cause in question"

I think the name you've chosen for your unborn child is twee and revolting and I wish you'd stop jamming it into every status update you make.

Stop thanking Jah for everything, a month ago before you went to St Lucia on holiday you were an aetheist! Oh, and learn to spell.

I have one friend who runs a church and is always going on about what God is going to be "doing" among them them this weekend. I always have to resist the temptation to put "he can be doing pretty much anything you want, seeing as he's made up."

No you're not, you're on Facebook.

To the hundreds of people who update their status saying what a lovely time they are having with their other halves/friends/families at that moment.

'Sorry you're a skank with all your dodgy websites and the like but I quite fancy your mate'