Tell us a joke!

[BessieBoots]

My best friend is in labour [excited emoticon] and is doing well, but finds it all rather serious, bless her. She wants me to text her some jokes to cheer her up.

So... jokes, anyone? Preferably not too long...

bump

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.

"Who is it?" the woman asks.

"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

Don't know whether she'll appreciate this one though

'How do you make a door laugh?'

'Tickle it's knob'

'Why hasn't the oyster got any friends?'

'Because he's shellfish'

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

Bumping an old thread.

Last Christmas I received a sweater.

Shame, cos I asked for a screamer or a moaner.

Boom tish.

?I don?t want to go to school today?

Come on now, it?s not that bad

?It is, the work?s too hard, I never know what I?m doing, no one likes me. I don?t have any friends.?

That isn?t true

?Yes it is. People keep calling me names and saying things behind my back, the teachers don?t like me and everyone says things about me all the time?

I?m sure it?s not that bad

?It is. It is. Don?t make me go, it?s horrible?

Come on now, stop all this, besides you have to go. You?re the headteacher!

Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control.

What's the worst part about being an atheist? Nobody to talk to when you're having an orgasm.

2 ladies taking their dogs for a walk one evening. They pass a new nightclub which has just opened

Lady 1 : ooh, let's pop in for a bit
Lady 2 : how can we, we've got our dogs?
L1: no problem, watch me then do the same

Lady 1 walks up to club, but stopped by bouncer: sorry but no dogs allowed. So she replies, "but it's a guide dog"
Bouncer "what, a Doberman?"
L1 : "yes, it's a new thing, they're brilliant guide dogs"
Bouncer "ok then, in you go"

Lady 2 watches with intrest and trepidation but goes up to bouncer

Same response from bouncer re no dogs
L2 : but it's a guide dog
Bouncer : a chihuahua???!
L2 : what???? They gave me a fucking chihuahua??"

Boom boom

hur hur

man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have that new book for men with short penises? I can't remember the title. "

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"The man says, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."

I think BessieBoots' friend has probably given birth by now (thread was started 15 months ago!) But here's my joke...

Two parrots were sitting on a perch.
One said to the other 'What's that fishy smell'?

The carpenter came round yesterday and I started flirting with him.

He soon made a bolt for the door.

Just in case she's back in labour, here's my effort.

How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tit a lot.

I'm here all week

I mean, I'll get me coat.

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Kock-a-doodle

Kock-a-doodle Who!