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Original poster

MIL wants to come and live with us "and be looked after". Am I mad to even contemplate this?

66 replies

liath · 25/03/2010 20:45

MIL is a widow and has had chronic depression for a while so struggles to look after herself. I do feel very sorry for her but also quite frustrated as she is actually in quite good physical health and perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning etc but just doesn't.

Anyway she has admitted what I've suspected for ages - that she'd like to move in with one of her children. What worries me is that she'd then just expect to be waited on hand and foot and treat me like a servant which would no doubt end with her in pieces buried under the patio and me in Holloway. However there is no doubt that it would be financial advantageous if she did it - I could potentially give up work or work a lot less which I'd like to be able to do.

I realise there would have to be some serious ground rules laid down. DH can't believe I'm even thinking about it TBH and I suppose I'm partially motivated by greed and partially by feeling very sorry for her - I'm sure if I was in her position I'd jump at the chance of living with one of my kids rather than being stuck on my own.

Has anyone done anything like this, or would you?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 25/03/2010 20:57

would she be paying you to look after her, like a servant ?

or paying rent...like a lodger ?

I don't understand what you mean by the financial considerations

QuintessentialShadows · 25/03/2010 21:00

Why does her moving in mean you could cut down work? Would you have to, just so that you can "look after" her?

Elasticwoman · 25/03/2010 21:05

I would consider it, but don't have any experience of depression or indeed any other mental illness in oldies. You would have to go in for it without any expectations of her being the slightest help. After all, she is mentally ill.

I don't think you are being greedy, just contemplating exchanging one kind of work (whatever paid work you do now) with another, which you can rarely if ever have time off from.

Perhaps you should consult a mental health nurse (does MIL have one on her case?)about what it is like to live with a depressed oldie.

Also you should have full frank discussion with dh to find out what he really wants.

The alternative is that MIL will require help/support from somewhere and ultimately your dh and any siblings will feel responsible for seeing that she is ok and that the arrangements in place are working.

MmeLindt · 25/03/2010 21:08

I would think very very carefully about doing this.

How old is she?

How does she treat you and the DC?

Original poster

liath · 25/03/2010 21:08

If she sells her house then some of the money from that would come to us (although probably we'd need to make some alterations to the house like a ground floor bathroom). She has a monthly income (private pension) and my assumption would be that some of that would go into housekeeping and mean I could drop the full day a week that I work at present which would make life easier from the child care point of view (and I'm not really that into my work at the moment TBH).

OP posts:

tummytime · 25/03/2010 21:10

We live with my mum and dad - we've bought into their house and paid off their mortgage by doing so. We have seperate areas of the house and clearly defined own space but often all have dinner together, M & D are obviously very welcome to help out with dcs but are not expected to etc.

However, DH and I get on very well with both my parents and my parents also looked after my granny until she died and she was an absolute nightmare. She refused to speak to my dad at all for 10 years. She criticised him constantly in front of me and my siblings and complained to SS and other old lady friends that my parents mistreated her.

If you seriously think you can do it and DH agrees you need to have a conversation with your MIL and any of your DH's siblings to explain what you would and wouldn't be able to take on

e.g and off the top of my head- how would it work if she needed intensive personal care/ had to go into a home? How would you pay for additional care? How would you cope if she did expect you to clean up after her constantly? How would you and your family have time on your own and what would she do if she's dependent on you and you on holiday. What would happen when she dies? How would any inheritance be divided up?

You would also need some really good legal advice before committing yourselves.

CarGirl · 25/03/2010 21:11

It could be a 40 year commitment though!

AnyFucker · 25/03/2010 21:12

holidays ?

would you stick her into residential care then, when you fancied a weekend away with the dh and kids ?

this is madness, tbh

you don't like your job, ok

that is a poor reason to move in a mentally-ill relative and expect her private income to bankroll you becoming a SAHM

DecorHate · 25/03/2010 21:13

How old is she? Eg if she is in her 60s are you prepared to look after her for 20 years? If she is a lot older what will happen if her health deteriorates or she develops dementia? Will other family members have her to stay from time to time to give you a break?

Even if you have the space in your house as it is, I think it would be better if she was in some sort of granny annex where there was some degree of privacy/independence.

And at the end of the day it all depends on how well she gets on with you and the rest of the family.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/03/2010 21:13

Do you like her ?

Do you feel that you and she can share your feelings, and negotiate ?

How is she with the children ?

I do have experience of depression (father, MIL, and to a lesser extent, self)

This arrangement would require an enormous amount of good-will, and, frankly, love to work. If you are frustrated with her now, well .... From you, and from your DH. I don't believe, on the face of it, that viewing it as you do, can work. Especially if your DH isn't keen.

Original poster

liath · 25/03/2010 21:14

MmeLindt she's mid-70s. She is good with the kids, happy to read to them etc. She is very low, and I've posted before that it's like having a dementor off Harry Potter to stay when she comes up! I'd hope that if she was here then at least I could frog-march her to the GP and get her on some kind of treatment and that perhaps having company and stimulation would help her mental state.

OP posts:

geordieminx · 25/03/2010 21:15

Christ Liath....

Er could/would you move somewhere bigger where she could have a cell granny annexee?

If you end up in Barlinee... which I think you will, send me a visiting order - I've always wanted to see the inside of a prison.

geordieminx · 25/03/2010 21:16

Unlikely to be a 40 year commitment then... unless you stuff her.

Sorry....

CarGirl · 25/03/2010 21:16

I would have her come for a 6 week extended stay and see how you feel after that, remember she can sign on as a temporary patient whilst she is with you.

Would you actually be able to go out all day every day in the school hols leaving her at home alone?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/03/2010 21:18

Is she not on any treatment then ? Does she acknowledge she is depressed ?

If not, then this needs to be a priority. Perhaps if the depression were treated she would not feel that she needs to live with anyone else.

MmeLindt · 25/03/2010 21:18

I would only do this if MIL could be in a self contained Granny flat.

The Dementor thing would worry me most. And the fact that once she is there, you cannot suddenly say that you have changed your mind.

Original poster

liath · 25/03/2010 21:20

Really really appreciate the honesty here folks . Cargirl, I think that would be a good idea, would have to do some kind of trial run.

PMSL @ GMM! Perhaps I should do taxidermy evening classes first.

OP posts:

geordieminx · 25/03/2010 21:22

Sorry AF - but you are wayyyyyyyyyyyy of the mark with this one. I know the OP and she is certainly not a money-grabber.

Whilst I accept the depression is an illness, when you say mental illness, its not like the OP's MIL has schitzophrenia or similar, and if she can look after herself just now, then she will be able to when the OP and her dh go on holidays.

Sounds like MIL is lonely, which is exasperating depression, and as you say liath, might help being with you all?

whomovedmychocolate · 25/03/2010 21:23

Here's the issue here: power - there can only be one dominant woman in the house. If she's up for deferring to you, then fine but otherwise it will not be worth it for any amount of money. Your house will not be yours alone anymore and she will judge you, constantly and probably not openly (you can deal with criticism but silent censure is just infuriating and unstoppable).

Unless she actually promises to shuffle off the mortal coil within 18 months I'd say no TBH.

MmeLindt · 25/03/2010 21:23

When she comes to visit, do you feel that she is brighter, happier than when she is alone?

CarGirl · 25/03/2010 21:24

I think what is hard is that however she is now may not last beyond a few years elderly folk can get frail very quickly and unexpectedly. I would look into your local services like day centres. Would she be open to meeting new people and making friends if she moved. Would she go to a local church etc?

geordieminx · 25/03/2010 21:24

culteral issues need to be considered also?

Where do dh's siblings live?

Would there be issues with them - i.e she comes to live with you, they think you are trying to do them out of inheritance?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/03/2010 21:26

The only adult woman I could live with would be my mother, no matter what her physical or mental state. And that is because I love her.

MmeLindt · 25/03/2010 21:30

DH's granny went to live with his parents when she was 84. She was really quite fit but loosing her sight. By the time she died 12 years later, she was bedridden, completely blind and for the last two years of her life needed full time care.

You have to be able to discuss all possibilities with her, what would happen if she needed more care. Would she go into a home, and who would pay for that?

Original poster

liath · 25/03/2010 21:30

She's definitely a lot brighter when she is with us or on holiday with the family.

Very very good point, whomovedmychocolate. I remember one Christmas she told me that my gravy was horrible and I was absolutely hopping mad . Definitely only room for one dominant female in this house.

I think SIL would just be very very relieved if we took on the burden TBH, she has enough on her plate without having to do more and more for her mother. I suspect she'd be happy enough to take her on holiday to give us some respite as they already holiday together yearly.

OP posts:

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