MIL wants to come and live with us "and be looked after". Am I mad to even contemplate this?

[liath]

MIL is a widow and has had chronic depression for a while so struggles to look after herself. I do feel very sorry for her but also quite frustrated as she is actually in quite good physical health and perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning etc but just doesn't.

Anyway she has admitted what I've suspected for ages - that she'd like to move in with one of her children. What worries me is that she'd then just expect to be waited on hand and foot and treat me like a servant which would no doubt end with her in pieces buried under the patio and me in Holloway. However there is no doubt that it would be financial advantageous if she did it - I could potentially give up work or work a lot less which I'd like to be able to do.

I realise there would have to be some serious ground rules laid down. DH can't believe I'm even thinking about it TBH and I suppose I'm partially motivated by greed and partially by feeling very sorry for her - I'm sure if I was in her position I'd jump at the chance of living with one of my kids rather than being stuck on my own.

Has anyone done anything like this, or would you?

I do think separate living quarters is the way to go here. Do you have space for a small granny annex is your garden? Or could you move.

I know a few people who have elderly parents living in their houses, most with granny annexes. It doesn't have to mean moving, their own front door and a separate kitchen/en suite is normally all that's required. I know someone who built a loft conversion simply because he knew his mum couldn't get up the stairs and bother him!

Alternatively, what about sheltered housing near where you are with the promise of joining you for meals several times a week?

Or hire an 'assistant' skivvy for her for a few hours a day. Someone who can run round after her. Used to be very common actually, little old ladies having a 'companion' who would look after them.

I'm feeling guilty now! I did want to point out the probs of living with someone with depression for your sake, and your dc sake BUT I also really see where you are coming from and personally do think its very important for kids to take care of their parents when they get older, as parents take care of kids when they are young.

What about buying one of those little wooden chalet things for the garden if you don't have a garage you can convert? You can get ones with a living room/kitchen in one, 1 bed and a bathroom. Quite compact and would fit in a lot of gardens. Otherwise perhaps your house has two reception rooms, one could be 'grannys sitting room' to give you all space, so that you are not sat watching tv with her every evening.

I think the house would be fairly easy to convert as we're doing the loft this year which will be mine and DH's private space and there is an underused study on the ground floor abutting the garage so those could be a Granny annexe.

Thinking about it, though I'm not sure if she realises what she'd be getting into either. I'm sure she fondly imagines being welcomed into the bosom of the family but in all honesty I'm not the easiest person to live with. I'm moody, take offence easily and get SAD (spent most of this winter huddled in front of a light box necking St John's Wort and growling at anyone who came too close!!). There would need to be a few very honest discussions before considering this.

However one of my reasons for going for it would be a feeling that it'll come about anyway whether I like it or not and I'd prefer it to happen on my terms rather than 5 years down the line after some kind of crisis. I think a lot of her self neglect is aimed consciously or subconsciously at pushing someone into taking her in and that will only get worse. .

oh god liath, what a dilemma!

OP DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't do it

At what point would you offload her to a home or would you nurse her until the end?

liath - I agree with the point you make in your last paragraph - the need to make plans in advance, to avoid a crisis-decision. So many people end up muddling along.

Good luck.

I think you'll do it.

Trial period. Separate living areas.

And secret bottles of gin.

LoveBeingAMummy who posted a few pages back has probably got it spot on.

My grandmother has lived with my parents since 1979 and she is now in her 90s. So you could easily have another twenty years. She started out being fairly well functioning but rapidly became totally dependent on my parents to do everything for her. She stopped driving, for one thing, which in the US means that my mom spends a lot of time chauffering.

It was great for ME to have my grandma around but it's been very tough on my parent's relationship. She did help my parents out with childcare to a certain extent but you need to take into consideration the age of your kids - this might not be viable if they are very young and she's in her 70s. My grandmother was basically home for me after school, not doing all days or anything.

She helped them financially too and my mother feels that she behaves like she 'owns' them a bit as a consequence of this. Re inheritance: I would say my mother's brother also feels like my parents have been signficantly helped by her and maybe resents it. Although he doesn't consider in the US what it would cost for her to live on her own with help and in reality my parents have probably saved her thousands!! But this issue I think will be in the background one way or another for you too possibly.

And you do need to consider it may not even have crossed her mind that she has to help you out with expenses in any significant way. She may have it in her mind some groceries and that's about it. So your expenses could even increase! My grandmother wasn't at all like this but it's something you'd need to clarify with your MIL and think about whether it could cause friction later, money discussions.

I just wanted to make a couple of points, am well aware however that the issues my parents have had are also down to how they have chosen to manage the situation, etc

Well My Mum is a widow and is suffering living on her own as my Dad did so much for her. As much as I feel for her I would never contemplate her living with us, or dh's mum for that matter.

It is a recipe for disaster imo.

As a Mum, I would never excpect my kids to move me in because I was 'lonely'. She needs to forge a life for herself and not tag onto her kids.

Do you live in different towns/cities?

Her lonliness will get worse and you will become responsible for 100% of her social interaction if she moves away from an area in which she has lived for decades.

I wonder if you are approaching a potentially VERY long-term situation from a short-term perspective. Yes, it's nice to be a SAHM when your DCs are small. But in ten years you won't be a SAHM - you'll be a stay-at-home geriatric carer. Completely different kettle of fish.

Only going by personal experience, you are crazy to consider this. Change jobs.

Don't do it! We moved in with my mother last August, following the death of my father. It is proving to be an absolute nightmare. My marriage is really suffering and I am so stressed.
It seemed like such a good idea at the time. We have rented out our house in London, so I have an income from it, which is brilliant. But we are now thinking about selling our house and buying somewhere near her, but at least we'll have our own space.
We feel like the housekeeper and handy man, and of course my brother drifts in and out and is a super hero - but that's another post!

Your DH doesn't want her to move in and she is HIS mother. Ultimately I think this will have a detrimental effect on your relationship

Good point from saslou. Also, how would you DC feel about it? I do feel for you OP; my sister sounds very similar to your MiL (she is currently an psychiatric inpatient) and my mother has made me promise not to have her to live with me. Ever.

do not even consider it for half a nano second. a friend of mine built her mother an annex and it it has been years of the utmost misery you could ever imagine. perhaps move her to sheltered accom. near you so you can keep an eye on her and as for giving up work.... and what ARE the visiting hours in Holloway????