MIL wants to come and live with us "and be looked after". Am I mad to even contemplate this?

[liath]

MIL is a widow and has had chronic depression for a while so struggles to look after herself. I do feel very sorry for her but also quite frustrated as she is actually in quite good physical health and perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning etc but just doesn't.

Anyway she has admitted what I've suspected for ages - that she'd like to move in with one of her children. What worries me is that she'd then just expect to be waited on hand and foot and treat me like a servant which would no doubt end with her in pieces buried under the patio and me in Holloway. However there is no doubt that it would be financial advantageous if she did it - I could potentially give up work or work a lot less which I'd like to be able to do.

I realise there would have to be some serious ground rules laid down. DH can't believe I'm even thinking about it TBH and I suppose I'm partially motivated by greed and partially by feeling very sorry for her - I'm sure if I was in her position I'd jump at the chance of living with one of my kids rather than being stuck on my own.

Has anyone done anything like this, or would you?

You will probably find that the more you do for her the less she can/will do for herself. Gradually you will have a bigger carer role than you had bargined for. It happens in old people's homes all the time, not because the staff amke them do it but because when someone does it for you gradually you can't do it iyswim. If it is just for the money then please don't do it, you really will be selling your soul.

Very interesting thread. We are considering moving to a house with an annexe to move my parents in with us.
My mum is very active and able and brilliant with the kids, whilst my dad is quite tricky and has possible dementia (undiagnosed).
There are all sorts of things to consider, not least that houses with annexes are few and far between.
I kind of think that it is inevitable that it is going to happen but there is so much to consider.
Good luck ,OP

You're brave!

I think trial run is the way to go. Your Dementor feeling is a big problem here. My dh used to suffer from depression and if it is actual depression (he was of Dementor level) then it's not always just as simple as meds and company...it might not change her mood significantly and you would have to live with that life sucking for years!! Is she on meds now?

No, she's not on meds. She tried them and stopped after a few weeks. Think i might show this thread to DH (then change my posting name smartish!!). He doesn't suffer from any feelings of guilt or pity at all, lucky man. He reckons she should either look after herself or go into a care home!!

Yes, you are completely barking to even consider this at all.

Including a 'trial run'. What do you do at the end of it if you don't like it? 'Oh, sorry, MIL, this sucks. Buh-bye.'

Then I really don't think it would be fair on her. Sorry, I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I think this can only work if you are either totally emotionally uninvolved and being paid, or doing it out of love.

geordie, let liath answer for herself

i know my reply was close to the bone...but she says she appreciates the honesty and hasn't picked my reply out as being particularly vicious

oh...and I think you might find that many, many people would classify depression as a mental illness

Not sure how far away she is just now - could she move closer if its quite a distance?

yes, depression is a mental illness.

That is exactly what I would do at the end of a trial run, expat . It would have to be completely clear from the start that she'd go home at the end of it. If nothing else then because if it was to be made permamnent we'd have to do some alterations to the house, get planning permission etc.

jamie...I totally agree

do it for the love of her (not to finance giving up your job)

Good point expat, that'd hardly make her feel better .

I'd leave my dh if he got depression again, I certainly would not invite someone with depression to live with me. Plus there is the power issue...would drive me mad, I go crazy when my mil just visits for a few days!

Granny flat is the only way I'd do it. Do you have a garage you could convert?

No, I wasn't bothered by your reply AF - I can take brutal honesty! My mum gave me a piece of her mind when I mentioned the possibility to her the other day I can tell you.

I wasnt having a go, I admire your honesty on many threads especially when you say you are giving relationships up

Yes, I should let L speak for herself, but she is friend, and certainly not a hard-faced money grabber more a lentil weaver

Plus, she'd be on her best behaviour during the trial.

I agree, annexe is the way to go if you're going to do this at all.

I know it is a mental illness, what I meant is, that its not like the MIL wouldnt be able to be left alone for any period of time.

Yup - my mum would go beserk if I told her that MIL was coming to live with us too.

Clealry Geordie didn't notice me nicking several tenners out of her purse last time we met .

Clearly Gah!

Ooh, feck that's dh back

nice that friends stick up for each other, seriously

and I wasn't implying liath was a callous money-grabber

although she did mention, in her OP, that moving MIL in, with her private income, would allow her to give up the job she doesn't like

< ahem >

liath...I bet your mum said summat similar didn't she ?

don't saddle yourself with batty MIL, just to get to be a SAHM ??

it ain't like looking after a slightly daft dog, is it ?

She has a slighty mad dog too..

worser and worserer

Perhaps chat to Quint who has ended up looking after both her parents

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/935974-I-am-so-bloody-angry-I-feel-I-could-burst

Am off to bed now. Thanks again, lots of food for thought. MIL is coming up to stay in a couple of months so I feel there may be some serious chats between me and DH and SIL before that to decide whether or not to discuss it with her then as a potential goer.

My dog isn't mad, BTW just a bit, erm, exuberant. I love him, anyway. MIL hates dogs so goodness knows why she wants to live with us. She may be deluding herself about how well it could work even more than I am!!