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Original poster

do I move abroad??

52 replies

jen45 · 19/03/2010 19:01

I have been married for 4 rocky years.Met and married in Canada. Hubby wanted to come to uk so I did. Used all my savings. Now hubby is out of job and wants to move back. He knows my mum is sick but says he will go on his own if I dont??...Hubby has been selfish throughout and had a few online discreations. He is also greedy with money and refuses to spend his... only mine!!...My kids live here but my sister lives over there.
Flights are booked for end of this month but I am scared to put trust in him and if he finds someone else in Canada, I will have lost my house in the UK and have nothing. I love him but I dont like him. I guess Im scared to be on my own. Ihave gave up my job for the move. Do I take a chance that I will have a better life over there or play safe, e on my own and be lonely.??

OP posts:
seashore · 19/03/2010 21:49

Hi jen45,
sorry you're having such a tough time, it doesn't really sound like you want to go, I think for a marriage to last you do have to like your husband, so am sorry to say it but it does sound like you would be putting yourself through a lot and eventually you'll wind up alone anyway.

Hope things work out for you, the sooner you make some tough decisions the better. He has put you in an impossible position.

Original poster
jen45 · 19/03/2010 22:02

yes thank you. Im scared to put trust in hubby. I do like him sometimes when we get on but when things are bad, they are bad. I dont like him cause he is selfish, greedy and aggresive when he doesnt get his own way.Its all his way or the highway. The fact my mums sick and he doesnt give a damn makes me wonder why on earth would I even contemplate going???....I guess I just want to hang on to my marriage and I have been doing this alone for some years now. He doesnt give me much apart from him just being here. No cuddles, kisses or anything.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 19/03/2010 22:06

Can you tell me something good about him? What was it that made you fall in love with him?

He does not sound worth it, from what you have posted.

Original poster
jen45 · 19/03/2010 22:25

he is good looking and can be funny....
I guess tall and good looking was what I fell for and before I actually knew him as a person. he plays hard to get with my feelings and It makes me try harder for him to show me love and affection. I guess because he is good looking, I know he would get another woman without too much hasstle and that though annoys me. I want him to want me ONLY and I dont think this will ever happen. Before we got married, at my sisters wedding, he was chasing a 17 year old about like a love sick teenager in front of my family and friends. I was told not to marry him but I did and now I wish I hadnt.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 19/03/2010 22:29

Marriage is hard work but getting someone to love you should not be. Either he loves you or he does not.

And, sorry to say, it sounds like he does not or he would not need you to work at gaining his affection.

How old are you? How old is he?

He was chasing after a 17yo?

seashore · 19/03/2010 22:31

It's terrible, it sounds so cold, personally I wouldn't be able to put up such greed and anger. Marriage is meant to work both ways, he is supposed to consider you and treat you with respect. I know it's hard to give up on things but it would take him to wake up and care, by the sounds of it, to keep it going. Everybody needs love and friendship, that's what a marriage is meant to be made of, I don't know, I just think women put up with a lot, 4 yrs is short when you consider a lifetime of feeling ill treated.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2010 22:34
  1. he's cheated on you.
  2. he's a skinflint who mooches off you.
  3. he's selfish in every way - emotionally, with money, with love and respect.
  4. he expects you to give up your home for his desires without any regard for your feelings.

What.the.fuck?

This isn't a marriage, it's him taking the piss.

Out of you.

You gave up your job?

Get it back and tell him to go on his own.

Why are you bankrolling this cocklodger?

expatinscotland · 19/03/2010 22:36

'I was told not to marry him but I did and now I wish I hadnt.'

Then why on Earth have you give up your job in a recession? To keep that? He may be good-looking, but he's a twunt.

Why do you feel you need someone like this in your life?

Get a refund on the ticket and use it to see a counsellor as to why you feel the need to put up with this.

Original poster
jen45 · 19/03/2010 22:39

im 45 and he is 44...He never wants to give me affection and when i try and give him some, he gets very uneasy... he was 42 at my sisters wedding. when we moved back to scotland for a fresh start!! i caught him on dateing and porn sites looking for sex but he wouldnt want sex from me!!....instead of him apologising when hes done something wrong, he gets aggressive and starts shouting and bullying me and blaming me for everything. He never admits when he is in the wrong.
when i called his bluff telling him i wasnt going with him, he said fine!! and didnt seem bothered.
cold is an understatemet!!

OP posts:
tartyhighheels · 19/03/2010 22:41

Do not go, if you now think you shouldn't have even married him then you should not take the risk. Ask for your job back and stay put, it might not be ideal but at least you know where you are and your mum is ill, how could he even ask you to go?

MmeLindt · 19/03/2010 22:42

Ok, I rarely say this on MN but you really have to tell this sorry excuse for a man to fuck the fuck off.

This is hard for you, I know but he is a total wanker.

I thought he was about 20yo, and even youth would not excuse his horrible behaviour.

A 42yo flirting with a 17yo and his SIL's wedding - that is just disgusting.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2010 22:42

Jen, newsflash: this guy's a total loser.

And losing him is fortunately very easy because he's leaving.

Kick him to the kerb.

Original poster
jen45 · 19/03/2010 22:43

had to hand in my notice cause i was meant to move to canada with him on the 30th of this month...they needed my notice and although I was thinking of not going, i still had to give it...yes im in a pickle now without a job and the thought of giving up on my marriage by letting him go on the plane himself makes me ill but I do know I am not and havent been happy about going for fear of being isolated and under his thumb

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/03/2010 22:46

And when he screws around on you and dumps you, you'll also have no valid visa to stay in Canada and have to come back to the UK: to no job and no home.

So you'd likely wind up here, anyhow.

Why not skip the go to Canada step and tell him to take a hike?

Can you get your job back?

Original poster
jen45 · 19/03/2010 22:47

you guys are all right . Its just hard for me to think about a divorce etc. I obviously still love him although I think he is a total prat and wonder why on earth I have never let go of him before now. He pushed down my self asteem from day 1 ad I think thats my problem. Maybe I think i wont ever have a chance to find someone nice. IM 46 this year LOL....

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/03/2010 22:50

'Maybe I think i wont ever have a chance to find someone nice. IM 46 this year LOL.... '

Why do you feel you need a man at all? You've got grown children, a family around you, your own home.

WTF do you need this millstone for?

I'm willing to wager you're confusing co-dependency with love, because love is respect.

He has none for you.

He wants a divorce, he can file for one.

But don't go to Canada with him.

Original poster
jen45 · 19/03/2010 22:52

unfortunately my job is now gone...i handed in my notice a week ago because my boss needed an answer and I was still thinking what to do. At least I didnt give up my new wee council house..Thank god!!...Mind you hubby actually paid for the plane tickets and the dogs flights!!...weird but I guess cause hes desperate to go back home to Canada. Only time hes ever put his hand in his pocket in 4 years!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/03/2010 22:55

all the better not to go then.

so he loses the money.

i'd be tempted to pack up and pretend to be going, then make when the taxi comes to collect him tell him, 'Off you fuck now. Buh-bye.'

Original poster
jen45 · 19/03/2010 22:56

Hes actually been quite nice to me this week LOL but i guess the 30th is coming soon!!
why is he being nice if he doesnt care and is going anyways????

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 19/03/2010 22:56

You are still young. Please do not waste the rest of your life - or even one more day - on this wanker.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2010 22:58

'why is he being nice if he doesnt care and is going anyways???? '

because pricks like to have control over people and manipulate them using emotional blackmail.

that's why he's being nice. because he wants you to do what he wants you to do.

that's as much he cares.

Original poster
jen45 · 19/03/2010 22:59

to expatinscotland: Thats weird cause I was kinda thinking that LOL...dont know if I could be that mean though..mind you, thats what he would do to me and it wouldnt bother him at all....

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/03/2010 23:02

Oh, see, I'm not the revenge is a dish best served cold type.

I had a friend who was once conned into going abroad with a guy to live.

He dumped her after about 5 days.

Well, he ran a business from home.

He was going away for 2 days and told her to clear the hell off whilst he was gone.

So she did. But she sold most of his possessions during that time, too, took the money, grabbed her passport and bailed.

MmeLindt · 19/03/2010 23:03

Read over what you have written and imagine your younger sister had written it. Would you tell her to emigrate?

He sounds like a mean bully.

Original poster
jen45 · 19/03/2010 23:03

yup hes good at the emotional blackmail for sure and the mind games..he is very controlling also which makes sense..getting his own way is very important to him.
oh goodness...i would like to send him off with an after thought for sure..nothing too bad as i have to live with my conscious..
oh sorry changed my mind im not going....
oh cant be bothered.....
scared of flying.....
i have a date tonight LOL
i feel bad already!!!

OP posts:
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