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Original poster

so my attacker apparently wants to apologise, and I don't know what to do

71 replies

DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 13:34

I am a regular, have namechanged as I think the person involved knows about this website and I can't be too careful. If you know who I am, please don't out me.

9 months ago, well, saying that, a year ago it started, my 'friend' started being funny with me, didn't really think anything of it, I didn't believe we were joined at the hip or anything! But I did think we were pretty good friends, she was there the day my son was born, I am godmother to her son, we did quite a lot together. Then it started that she would go off with other people, not invite me, or worse, arrange to meet me, then not turn up. Well, I thought, oh well get on with it, life goes on. Then one day 9 months ago, outside school, she started taunting me. I walked away. She chased after me. She started an arguement with me. I tried to walk away again. In the end, she ended up punching me several times and knocking me unconscious in front of my children. I was taken to hospital and had xrays on my face, nothing broken thank goodness, but I was very sore and bruised and had a very swollen black eye. I presed charges, she got off with a warning. DH wanted me to persue it but I hadn't got the stregth. I was 99% sure I was PG, but that night I bled heavily, pretty sure it was a MC.

I have spent months scared of seeing her. My eldest daughter has been the worst affected. Whenever we have seen this woman out and about, dd will come running over to me petrified.

Anyway, another mum who was there when all this happened said that she apologised to her about it, and that she really wants to apologise to me. She told her that she can't bare to see my dd so scared of her, and apparently has tried to approach me a few times recently to apologise but she has bottled out. But then a couple of months ago I know she was 'bad mouthing' me in the salon she visits (my friend was in there at the time)

The assault was 9 months ago now, and part of me thinks that 9 months is too long? But then part of me also wants to hear it for the kids sake, for them to be able to draw a line under it? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I will be friends with her again, but maybe it would stop the tension so much in the playground and help my kids move on? We have a lot of mutual friends which makes it hard with me meeting up with them as I am always checking if she will be there first as to whether I can go or not. Usually she is, so as a consequence, I don't feel that I can. Maybe she only wants to apologise so that she can say that she has? If that makes sense? Oh I don't know, I am gonna be scared to see her again now thinking that she might approach me. Do I let her apologise, and more to the point, should I accept it?? Oh, I don't know.

OP posts:

Chickenshavenolips · 27/11/2009 13:38

I wouldn't accept an apology from this person. I would cut her out completely, and I wouldn't want to have mutual friends with her. Her behaviour was appalling.

GypsyMoth · 27/11/2009 13:39

i think its the only way you are going to get any kind of closure on this,so yes

Pinner35 · 27/11/2009 13:41

I agree...no way would I ever let this person back into my life.

Original poster

DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 13:41

Even if she does apologise, I won't be friends with her so don't think I will be doing that ! but maybe it might make things easier? especially for the kids?

OP posts:

Lulumama · 27/11/2009 13:44

it sounds more like she is angry with you for not being more forgiving, if she is bad mouthing you ,and she wants you to accept her apology to make her feel better

i would not accept it, nor have any contact with her again

some things are unforgiveable

if you do accept her apology, you can still make it clear she has no place in your life

but it sounds like it is about her feelings, she does not like your DD being scared of her, than yours, and she is not truly contrite or ashamed

what kind of person knocks their friend unconcious in front of their children??

WouldYouCouldYouWithAGoat · 27/11/2009 13:45

she only wants to apologise to make herself feel better and create more drama. ignore her she is obviously a loon.

cocolepew · 27/11/2009 13:47

I agree with Lulu, and what kind of friends do you have that are still happy to be her friend?

QuintessentialShadows · 27/11/2009 13:49

I wouldnt.
She sounds like a total lunatic bitch.

I doubt you will get closure, or put it behind you by seing her, but most likely SHE will, and portray you as bad an unforgiving if you dont resume life as normal after.

Tough luck that she cant bear to see your children scared of her. That is her own doing. She should be more concerned with them, than with her own well being, as I take this as.

Also, I see no evidence in your email that she is actually ready to apologise to you. She has not approached you. She has apologised for her behaviour to a bystander who witnessed it, she has not apologized to YOU. She has started a campaign making out that she is hurting, for her own benefit, as most likely people are beginning to feel sorry for her, and her suffering, due to how she behaved to you. It is marketing, or damage limitation if you will, to re-establish HER reputation. Not designed to ease your pain.

Dont give this any more thought until she actually approaches you, by writing a letter, or coming up to talk to you.

If somebody says something to you again, just reply "Funny that, as she has made no effort towards me to apologize, last I heard she was in fact backmouthing me to some mutual friends. To be honest, I rather not have anything to do with her again, as she put me in hospital and scared the shit out of my children".

daisydora · 27/11/2009 13:49

You have friends that are still friends with her after this disgusting assult on you? Make her apologise to you and the children, it might help them get over it.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your children though.

Aubergines · 27/11/2009 13:49

Did she never explain why she changed her attitude to you? It sounds a v extreme reaction and v odd never to say why she was so angry.

pofacedandproud · 27/11/2009 13:49

presumably you prosecuted her for assault?

pofacedandproud · 27/11/2009 13:50

and GBH?

Original poster

DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 13:50

the mutual friends are quite good friends to me. But a lot of them I have been wary of when they started rolling out the 'oh but she hasn't done anything to me so i have to talk to her' like they were making excuses somehow.

I agree she probably wants to make herself feel better.

OP posts:

WouldYouCouldYouWithAGoat · 27/11/2009 13:51

your friends are dicks.

Chickenshavenolips · 27/11/2009 13:51

Good friends don't stay matey with the person who knocked you unconscious in front of your children, IMO.

LouLouH · 27/11/2009 13:52

The woman hould have been sectioned. How can someone attack another person in front of children?!

I wouldn't let her apologise, if a neutral person has come to you saying the woman want to apologise why couldn't she just do it herself if it was sincere. There would have been no need to involve other people. I say the apology would be for her own gain rather than anyone elses.

Explain to your daughter that there are some not so nice people out there and unfortunately that woman is one of them, but the police know what happened and the woman would be stupid to do anything in future. I know your daughter was scared by it, but unfortuantely it is a cruel world sometimes.

Can't you get a restraining order of some kind as you obviously have PTS (post traumatic stress).

daisydora · 27/11/2009 13:53

If they are still prepared to talk to her they are not good friends to you imo. You deserve more support from your friends. It beggars belief that they think they 'have to talk to her'.

BTW I wouldn't just want an apology I'd want to know why she did it!

Original poster

DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 13:53

pofaced yes and she got off with a warning.

aubergines, no she never explained anything. I to this day, will never know WHY she turned. Honestly on my childrends live I don't know what I did that was so wrong for her to turn the way she did.

OP posts:

pofacedandproud · 27/11/2009 13:54

she knocked you unconscious and you didn't report her to the police?

Original poster

DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 13:54

i did pofaced. they gave her a caution

OP posts:

pofacedandproud · 27/11/2009 13:55

sorry x posts. she got off with a warning? That is scandalous. she knocked you unconscious. Stay away from her and get a restraining order.

pofacedandproud · 27/11/2009 13:56

I have experience of someone with that kind of capacity for violence. Never, ever, trust that they won't do it again. Stay away.

LouLouH · 27/11/2009 13:59

Poface is right. Once someone can turn like that don't trust that they can go without doing it again. No matter how sincere they try to act.

Original poster

DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 14:00

no i won't ever trust her again. I certainly will never be friendly with her again. I do think she at least owes my childen an apology. I just can't get over it. I can't.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 27/11/2009 14:02

if she was that bothered about apologising, she would have found a way.. a letter , hand delivered, would have been a start

this is about her,not you

and i don't believe any right thinking person would think badly of you for wanting to avoid her and not accept an apology

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