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Original poster

so my attacker apparently wants to apologise, and I don't know what to do

71 replies

DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 13:34

I am a regular, have namechanged as I think the person involved knows about this website and I can't be too careful. If you know who I am, please don't out me.

9 months ago, well, saying that, a year ago it started, my 'friend' started being funny with me, didn't really think anything of it, I didn't believe we were joined at the hip or anything! But I did think we were pretty good friends, she was there the day my son was born, I am godmother to her son, we did quite a lot together. Then it started that she would go off with other people, not invite me, or worse, arrange to meet me, then not turn up. Well, I thought, oh well get on with it, life goes on. Then one day 9 months ago, outside school, she started taunting me. I walked away. She chased after me. She started an arguement with me. I tried to walk away again. In the end, she ended up punching me several times and knocking me unconscious in front of my children. I was taken to hospital and had xrays on my face, nothing broken thank goodness, but I was very sore and bruised and had a very swollen black eye. I presed charges, she got off with a warning. DH wanted me to persue it but I hadn't got the stregth. I was 99% sure I was PG, but that night I bled heavily, pretty sure it was a MC.

I have spent months scared of seeing her. My eldest daughter has been the worst affected. Whenever we have seen this woman out and about, dd will come running over to me petrified.

Anyway, another mum who was there when all this happened said that she apologised to her about it, and that she really wants to apologise to me. She told her that she can't bare to see my dd so scared of her, and apparently has tried to approach me a few times recently to apologise but she has bottled out. But then a couple of months ago I know she was 'bad mouthing' me in the salon she visits (my friend was in there at the time)

The assault was 9 months ago now, and part of me thinks that 9 months is too long? But then part of me also wants to hear it for the kids sake, for them to be able to draw a line under it? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I will be friends with her again, but maybe it would stop the tension so much in the playground and help my kids move on? We have a lot of mutual friends which makes it hard with me meeting up with them as I am always checking if she will be there first as to whether I can go or not. Usually she is, so as a consequence, I don't feel that I can. Maybe she only wants to apologise so that she can say that she has? If that makes sense? Oh I don't know, I am gonna be scared to see her again now thinking that she might approach me. Do I let her apologise, and more to the point, should I accept it?? Oh, I don't know.

OP posts:
pofacedandproud · 27/11/2009 14:03

so she says she wants to apologise to you and then your friend overhears her badmouthing you in a salon? Do not waste your breath on her. Why would you want an apology from someone unhinged or psychotic? Worthless. Do not allow her anywhere near your children.

GypsyMoth · 27/11/2009 14:04

contact victim support for some advice on this....you DO need to do something to stop your dc being so scared of her.

Emprexia · 27/11/2009 14:05

I went through something a little similar.. someone who was my friend turned into the worst bully i've ever experienced.

While our 'final' confrontation didnt involve a fistfight i was left with no illusions that there was nothing left and i wanted nothing to do with her ever again.

It took her 4 years to pluck up the courage to apologise to me for her appalling behaviour, i managed to graciously accept it, then have had nothing to do with her since.

If you feel hearing her apologise will make you feel better, then go ahead... if all its going to do is make her feel better, don't bother, let her live with it.

RainRainGoAway · 27/11/2009 14:05

I think this could be a good thing. You must still be so confused as to why you 'deserved' this attack and I would be on edge about seeing her around the neighbourhood.

The only way I would like an apology from her would be through a letter first, with an explanation (not an excuse) why she did the awful thing she did. That way you can avoid an unpleasant confrontation. Then, you can decide when and whether you want to forgive her.
I would put that to your mutual friends (?I agree about thinking it wierd these friends have anything to do with her.)

LouLouH · 27/11/2009 14:08

You shouldn't get over it. I wouldn't. If someone made my DD fel like that i dread to think what my reaction would be. All i can say is your a bigger person than i would be for not retaliating.

She should apologise to your children as they are the ones that always come out worse off. I think she should make the effort and write an apology to your children, if she wants to act like a child treat her like one.

pofacedandproud · 27/11/2009 14:08

Of course your dc is scared of her. the woman knocked her mother unconscious in front of her. She probably has post traumatic stress too.

hester · 27/11/2009 14:08

God, you poor thing. What an absolutely horrific thing to happen.

I agree with others that you shouldn't be friends with her again.

I also agree with others that your mutual friends are fuckwits - I couldn't continue to be friends with anybody who would behave like that. Further, in the absence of effective police action, they should be applying social pressure to make sure she is under no illusions that any further violence will be tolerated.

Should you accept an apology? Maybe, if you think it will help the kids. I would say something like, "Thank you for apologising. I don't feel able to carry on being friends, but I'm happy for us to be civil to each other, for everybody else's sake" or something like that.

catinthehat2 · 27/11/2009 14:11

In addition to what everyone else has said, I think she wants to recapture some power (in her own head) over you by doing this. You wouldn't see how this would affect you until you innocently became trapped by her "apology".

Really, do not go there, do not get involved with this kind of insanity.

LouLouH · 27/11/2009 14:12

Hester is completely right. Your 'friends' are fuckwits and to still be on friedly terms with this woman is like condoning her actions.

What a pathetic woman. Is she recently split from her husband/partner? Sounds to me as though she may be jealous of you.

Original poster
DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 14:12

I'm sitting here wondering as well, will people think I am the bad person if I don't accept? Proably. I'm not from round here, i don't fit in at the best of times as it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 14:14

no lou she hasn't. Well, she did and I helped her, but they got back together. There have been rumours circulating that i have even been having an affair with her dh, and thats why i deserved the beating apparently.

OP posts:
LouLouH · 27/11/2009 14:14

How on earth could people see you as the bad person?! Even without knowing it your letting her actions cause you to doubt yourself. Don't ever let someone like that make you feel that way. In their warped minds seeing you like that gives them a sense of power.

Please realise that you are most definitely NOT in the wrong by not accepting an apology.

Original poster
DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 14:16

i suppose i care too much about other people and what they think.

OP posts:
LouLouH · 27/11/2009 14:18

Seriously! I hate playground gossip! People are so pathetic sometimes! ITs a shame that someone who oubviously used you as a rock at a hard time in their life can treat you that way.

tiredemma · 27/11/2009 14:19

I would avoid this person like the plague.

RainRainGoAway · 27/11/2009 14:21

How could she believe something like that so readily? I guess it explains her hostility but doesn't at ALL excuse it.

FabIsVeryLucky · 27/11/2009 14:21

I remember this, and I think you should do what you feel is best for you. If you are doing it for your children, then make sure she knows that but how will you explain it to your kids?

LouLouH · 27/11/2009 14:22

You sound like a really caring person, and i think she has taken advantage of that. She doesn't deserve the time and effort your even spending on worrying whether to accept an apology or not. If she can honestly and sincerely write you and your family a letter of apology then that is upto her. Its a form of closure for your children but you still do not have to accept it. If your mutual friends are just that then they will understand your resons for not accepting.

Original poster
DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 14:22

the affair rumour started about 2 months after the attack.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoIForgiveAndForget · 27/11/2009 14:23

emma its hard to avoid her when she lives so close to me and our dcs are in the same classes

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 27/11/2009 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LouLouH · 27/11/2009 14:24

Oh how conicidental!

RainRainGoAway · 27/11/2009 14:24

But how did she come to think that, (just to get background)

FabIsVeryLucky · 27/11/2009 14:25

Probably an excuse, RainRainGoAway.

Earlybird · 27/11/2009 14:25

have her write you a letter of apology, if she has something she wants to say.