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Original poster

DD friend has requested a pregnancy testing kit?

26 replies

GypsyMoth · 08/11/2009 23:59

Bit of history. DD 13 has a friend. Have posted before about this girl self harming and took mn advice. But now this girl thinks she is pregnant, and yet again it's my dd who she has come to for advice/ support.

Going back 4/5 weeks dd told me story that this girl was worried. They went to guidance teacher ( who I had alertted about self harm) she was given leaflets/phone numbers but parents not informed of possible pregnancy. Girl has now asked dd to ask ME to obtain a preg kit. She is just too embarassed to approach anyone. We live in small village and she is terrified of parents reaction as her sister had a teenage pregnancy and abortion.

I don't know her mum at all. Her dad only a bit when giving lifts etc to dd.

Wwyd? Get her a test? Not sure how involved I should be

OP posts:

Original poster

GypsyMoth · 09/11/2009 00:19

Also, although well meaning, my dd is giving her friend some swewed ideas about pregnancy. Such as, she can't be preg cos she isn't throwing up all the time( I had hyperemesis which she thinks everyone gets) and she has had a light spotting type period last week, so they think she might be out of the woods.

This is alot of responsibility for my own dd who hasn't even got her own periods yet. I'm trying to gently correct but she needs help.

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KnackeredOldHag · 09/11/2009 00:36

Personally I would tell her to go to GP for test. They are bound by confidentiality and it sounds lie her issues are deeper than a potential teen pregnancy. They might then be able to refer her for help for the deeper issues.

FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire · 09/11/2009 00:42

She should contact the school nurse for this, it's confidential and they are really fab ladies, she doesn't have to tell anyone at the school why she wants to see them, she just needs to ask for them to contact her.

Poor mite, she sounds like she needs someone on her side and some support.

Original poster

GypsyMoth · 09/11/2009 00:42

Yes. Deep issues. I suggested gp but she is worried. At 13 she has never been to the docs on her own before. Small village, people would wonder and she's aware she may see people there who she knows. I think she will really just ignore the problem through her fear.

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sandcastles · 09/11/2009 00:44

I would get her a test, invite her around & get her to do it.

If it is neg I would suggest that she stops having underage sex, & tell her to speak to her parents & at least take better precautions if she insists on having sex.

If pos, would do the above, but would say that if she cannot approach her parents then I would offer to do it for her, or at least accompany her.

Why can't she speak to her parents about all of this tho? I think that she needs support, but also encouragement to talk to parents.

mamadiva · 09/11/2009 00:44

Could you ask DD to invite friend round and try to have a deeper conversation with her and explain that you can't obtain a test for her because of the problems it could cause.

If this girl is pregnant then her parents will find out at some point and if it came out that you obtained the test I assume they would not be ahppy, I know I would'nt.

Does sound like there are more serious issues going on in the background which need to be sored one way or another.

Horrible situation for everyone really.

Original poster

GypsyMoth · 09/11/2009 00:45

Thanks fluffy. School nurse,yes good idea. They don't have one resident tho! Think she comes in for odd things like hpv vaccine. School has the guidance team, who she is familiar with already

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FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire · 09/11/2009 00:48

IIRC, the GP's won't see her without a parent if she's under 16. Her best bet is the school nurse. You can tell your dd that she can ask for them at the school office, they will tell her when the school nurse is in the school as they go to many. She can either drop in or make an appointment, she doesn't have to tell anyone at the school what she needs to see them for. They are really lovely ladies and will help her.

Original poster

GypsyMoth · 09/11/2009 00:52

Parents had a rough time with elder sister few years back. Social services were involved and she went away to a unit of some sort. She self harmed, attempted suicide and then never came back home. Girls mum is disabled. Dad is carer. Parents have kept her protected and obviously know nothing yet of rebellious streak with underage sex. Her self harm was to do with sex with boys and feeling bad about herself, which I told the school about hoping they could address this with her too. Bit of a mess. DDwants to help her friend. I don't want DD involved in any of this,but she is type of girl who cares.

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FluffysBeenBittenByAVampire · 09/11/2009 00:54

The school nurses do alot more then give vaccines Tiffany, I trained as a paeds nurse a few years ago and have worked with them, they look after children who are at risk, give advice to parents on bedwetting/social problems etc, do some assessments, they are really useful. You can access them either through the school reception, you just say you wish to speak to the school nurse, they pass the message on and the nurse will call you, you don't have to say what it's about as it's confidential or you can track them down at the health centre, if it's anything like trying to find them here though it's a PITA, they are normally at the clinic but which one is anyone's guess. Your best bet is through the school as they will have their number.

What a situation to find yourself in at 13. Poor mite, I hope it works out for her, she really does need support.

KnackeredOldHag · 09/11/2009 00:56

She has a right to see a GP other than the one she is registered with. (Though the receptionists might make this difficult).

Alternatively she can go to the family planning clinic in your local large(ish) town where she might feel more anonymous.

Personally though, I'd feel more comfortable with accompanying her to the GP or family planning than buying her a pregnancy test as the latter only sorts out the immediate problem. Without help you can guarantee she will have the same issues in 6 months or a years time.

Original poster

GypsyMoth · 09/11/2009 00:59

Right,will go sch nurse route first then. It's an upper sch not secondary, so have only been there a few weeks and it's all big and scary.

Am thinking I will invite her round next week too for tea, try and chat as I haven't spoken to her yet but she seems happy to have dd pass it on to me. Just to make sure she knows help is there if she is still reluctant. Thanks for the help!

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Original poster

GypsyMoth · 09/11/2009 12:25

school nurse due in sch in last week of nov. so not toob good.

should i just but a test,leave it lying around for dd to 'pass on',as was ttc 2 years ago and had a good store of them! just make out its leftover.....or not go there?

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DanJARMouse · 09/11/2009 12:36

personally, I would be buying the test, getting the girl round and doing the test.

If POS, deal with it from there, go with her to her parents and explain the situation, and that at least she felt able to approach an adult albeit not her own parents. Offer to help her at GP appointments etc and discuss all the options.

If NEG, panic over, and a chance to see if you can help with the underlying issues.

As a mother, I would rather my daughter was seeking advice and help from me, but if she felt she couldnt, I would rather she went to a friends mother than keep it to herself.

Myself at that age told my friends mum WAY more than I told my own parents!

Fabster · 09/11/2009 12:39

I would also buy the test and let her do it at my house. Then deal with what the result is. Sounds like she can't talk to her own mum and good on your dd for trying to help her.

GunpowderTreasonAndDragons · 09/11/2009 12:41

I would get her a test and be there when she does it.

It is what I would hope someone would do for my DD (god forbid!) although obviously I'd hope she was able to talk to me about it instead.

MissAnneElk · 09/11/2009 12:44

This is a very difficult situation. I have DDs of 13 and 16. If I thought they had sought help from a friend's Mum and the Mum hadn't told me about it I think I would be very angry. But of course you can't ignore the situation. Can you contact the guidance teacher again at school? It sounds as though there are too many issues. Dealing with the pregnancy test is just the first one.

Original poster

GypsyMoth · 09/11/2009 12:53

yes,did think of calling up guidance again,but the girl would then know its me who has called on both occasions....i called about the self harm,but asked them to make sure it was clear to the girl that they couldn't disclose where the info had come from. plus,i did mention to them the sex with boys,so ghad hoped they had tackled that too,i actually don't know the outcome of that call,confidential.

i also don't like the thought of the pair of them working out the intricacies of doing a test together,as dd would have to talk her through what to do i'm sure!! just all too much too young,only 2 summers go they were playing in the garden with bratz dolls!!

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CMOTdibbler · 09/11/2009 12:55

I'd get DD to bring her round to do the test - obviously this girl is engaging with you, so you'll have a better chance of talking to her than anyone else. If you spoke to her parents, she quite possibly would refuse to talk to anyone (imagine from her perspective - her sister did these things, then one day got 'sent away' to a clinic and never came home, how scary must that seem ?)

I'd also call the guidance team, and speak to them about this development, and ask their advice.

There should be an under 21's FPC/STI clinic in a local town - they are fabulous and very unjudgemental and welcoming. Also v good at picking through the issues around teen sex.

FWIW, I grew up in a v small town where everyone would see you at the GPs, knew when FP clinic was on etc, pharmacist was a friends mum, and even as an older teen (like 17) it was v intimidating to access. I knew several girls who got pg at 16 or less as they were far too embarassed to get contraception. None of them spoke to their parents about it

Original poster

GypsyMoth · 09/11/2009 13:47

thankyou everyone for your advice. i will speak with dd tonight to see how land lies after the weekend,and then invite her round. older dd will have to take 3 younger boys out to the library or something for an hour or so as i'm lone parent with a small house,and don't want the others getting wind of this.

depending on what dd says tonight,then i'll either buy a test tomorrow or call guidance again. if pos how on earth do i handle it?? do i take her home? this is why i think being with a health professional might be better,the school nurse would be better. i'd be so worried she might run away or harm herself in a panic!do schools have the right to inform her parents? i don't know...would the nurse be able to call the parents in and then all of them discuss way forward with their daughter present?

also,her parents seem think i'm a bit snobby (i'm not,i'm well aware that this is how i come across when meeting people first few times,so this is just their perception. mum has never met me,dad has once or twice)they would hate me being in on all this i'm sure!

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daisydotandgertie · 09/11/2009 14:05

For what it's worth, I think she needs prompt, thoughtful guidance and hand-holding in order to deal with a situation which she is not equipped to manage.

And I wouldn't delay - from your OP, time has already ticked one by 4/5 weeks.

I'd buy a test, today. And get her round as soon as possible to do it; with a short but reassuring chat before the stick is peed on.

I'd also try and find a confidential number to ring - NSPCC maybe or the Family Planning Association to see what the adult/child/parent boundaries are.

If it's positive, she has 2 options, and both of them involve a doctor. Would she go if you accompany her? The school nurse may be easier to see if you actually know what you're dealing with.

If it's negative, then the pressure's off, but it sounds as though she needs help to deal with her other issues.

GrumpyYoungFogey · 15/11/2009 22:37

OK this thread is a little old, but I can't believe that so many people on here WOULDN'T TELL HER PARENTS STRAIGHTAWAY.

Regardless of what you think of them, put yourself in their shoes. You simply have to let them know. It is the only decent thing to do.

The only situation I can see where it wouldn't be right is if you strongly suspect the horrible situation of the father being the father.

nappyaddict · 20/11/2009 11:05

I am the mum of a 3 year old boy so have no idea how I would feel in the parent's shoes but I know at 13 if I got a negative test I wouldn't see the point in telling my parents and getting shouted at when there was no pregnancy to get angry about anyway.

Original poster

GypsyMoth · 27/11/2009 14:15

update......girl is NOT pregnant!! dd took one of my tests to school for her in the end so all good.

except she is still sexually active and still self harming,even though i have informed the school welfare dept! nothing much has been done from what i can tell,and i find this quite worrying tbh!!

dd still shoulders her problems and helps her out,but losing patience with her friend,sadly.

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Haylstones · 27/11/2009 14:25

Well done on getting involved. FWIW, if you reported such concerns to the school it is very unlikely that they won't have acted on it. It may not appear that they have but they have a legal (and moral) responsibility to do so. If they believe she is at risk it is very unlikely that they won't have forwarded the information on. You did the right thing.

And I agree with you re not telling her parents. If she felt she could talk to them I'm sure she would have done; there could be any number of reasons why she didn't.

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