All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight 'safety lecture' and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
*On an Air NZ Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant
crew, the Pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'
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On landing the hostess said, 'Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.'
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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways
to leave the aircraft.'
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone
Voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide,
a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, 'Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like
that, sure as f* everything has shifted.'
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From a Qantas employee: 'Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. '
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'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favourite.
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'Weather at our destination is 32 degrees, with some broken clouds
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and
remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Qantas Airlines.'
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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments. '
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal.'
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying United.'
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She
said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no Ma'am,' said the
pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'
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After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant
came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And once the tyre smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today and the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas.'