Is DDs boyfriend useless or just a typical teenage boy?

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DD has just turned 18 and this is her second boyfriend. She was with her first one for a year and has been with this other lad for 9 months. They met at the college in our town (he lives 20 minutes away by car or 30 minutes by bus). He passed his driving test about 8 months ago. But he’s only been to our house about 5/6 times and my DD ended up going by bus to his and now he drives them. So when they’d bus it to his we had to go to his and collect her.

The BF is into football as is my DH but in the few times he’s been here (they’re usually upstairs), my DH can’t even get him to engage on football. I’ve barely spoken to him as he doesn’t seem to want to engage.

We’ve invited him via DD to join us for meals etc. She's had meals with him, with his extended family. She seems to be the one driving any plans to meet up and he seems to have slotted her into one evening a week slot. He’s also now got a weekend job both days until early afternoon. the most recent thing is him suggesting they don’t buy each other lots for Christmas. When they first started talking, it took him 3 months to officially ask her out despite her being very blunt saying she wanted to be his girlfriend.

Is this typical behaviour? From the outside this feels really low effort on his part. DD is pretty defensive about boyfriends so hasn’t complained about him but it all feels a bit strange. She’s the one it seems driving plans, making effort etc.

Provided hs isn't being abusive towards your DD and you don't have any concerns about her safety then surely their relationship and it's dynamics are up to them?

Certainly from what you say she seems keener on him than him on her. But isn't it quite common for one person in a relationship to be keener than the other?

They are very young and surely this won't be a long term relationship. Your DD will learn from experience .

Very few teenage boyfriends/girlfriends want to spend lots of time with their families on either side.

they want to spend time with each other, not you.

this is a normal teen relationship and like most it’ll probably last a few months and then it’ll end and they’ll move on.

you are way overthinking it.

Does she have the message she HAS to have a boyfriend?

He drives, he works, he is nice to her. Doesn’t want to squander money. Failing to see the issue. Does she drive or work? I did at 18 and I was at college too.

Is he still at school and has a part time job? And is he also playing football? Or working two jobs? Either way he sounds busy, so maybe he does only have one day a week to see her. My ds is 17, he’s really busy, school, A level revision, weekend job, football practice and matches.
Anyway teen relationships don’t need to be intense, in a way it’s better if they are low key.

Why is this anything to do with you?
they are old enough to make there own decisions and what they want out of the relationship.
you sound very overbearing and can’t fault the poor sod for not agreeing to your needs.
just let then make there own decisions and plans

He has a PT job, which is a plus. Same goes for not wanting to spend a lot for Christmas.

The rest is pretty bad, imo, but it's DD who I'm criticizing here. Does DD have plans to do further/ higher education? If so, she's expending a lot of energy into him that she should be putting into her studies.

Is she using contraception?

I was also waiting to see the bit where he’s ’useless’?? He’s only 18, in education, has a job, has a good and harmless hobby, passed his driving test and from what I’m assuming he actually has a car. He sounds like a smashing lad. And at that age me and any of my boyfriends actively avoided both our own and each others parents at all costs. I mean I get you being concerned that she’s more keen on him than the other way round, but that’s their concern and her decision to make on whether she wants to stick around or not

He passed his driving test about 8 months ago. But he’s only been to our house about 5/6 times and my DD ended up going by bus to his and now he drives them. So when they’d bus it to his we had to go to his and collect her.

Is this a joke? Have you seen the price of petrol? You expect him to pay petrol to ferry your daughter about when she's capable of getting the bus?

I think you're honestly expecting far too much. What does your daughter offer him? Has she even passed her driving test?

He doesn't sound like he's very keen on her tbh. My sons (age 17 and 21) aren't like this with their girlfriends. But it's up to her really. I don't think you should get involved.

He doesn't want to spend time with you he wants to spend time with her, how is that difficult to understand?

I have 2 teen girls and there boyfriends have all had completely different personality types some are very confident and basically move themselves in and become part off the family others are shy and barely speak. If it becomes a long term serious relationship I would expect a bit of effort to be made to get to know the family

He does sound a bit rude to me. I would expect him to be able to manage a few minutes of polite conversation with his GF's parents.

What happens when you invite him for a meal?

Sounds like she’s being a typical useless teenage girl. If she wanted to make their relationship more formal, why didn’t she just say rather than hang around waiting. That was being tongue in cheek, she seems to otherwise know what she wants and so does he. Maybe he is under the impression that you’re a bit over invested in their relationship and is understandably put off. Seems she feels the same if she’d prefer to go to his family.

What the 'low effort' (a cringy MN term if ever I saw it)

I think people on mn read 18 and automatically think they should be acting like adults. 18 is the same as 17 for a lot of young adults, and having to even momentarily interact with a girlfriends/boyfriends parents can be absolutely mortifying. I think it says a lot and I can guess why they’re spending the majority of their time together at the boyfriends house. They’re probably left to the privacy they want. I’m actually cringing a little at the op trying to force their way into their relationship, and even her husband trying to ‘engage’ with him on football to force him to talk to him. Just leave them alone to be teenagers! They’ve only been together a few months and the time they spend together sounds healthy, he’s got a lot going on in his life, it sounds like the ops daughter needs more going on in hers tbh. It sounds like the op wants a ring on her child’s finger in a 7 month teenage relationship 🤦🏼‍♀️

I don’t expect him to ferry her around at all but I do think it should be a bit more evenly split so we’re not always collecting her (he never offers to drop her home). I also don’t expect him to want to spend lots of time with us as they’re only 18 but it seems odd that he is very reluctant to come here. When we’ve invited him for a meal or suggested he come round, she says he’s busy. It’s only recently that he’s got a job at the weekends. He’s at football training once a week and most of the time he’s with his mates. I don’t expect him not to have work/hobbies/spend time with his mates. It’s just it feels like she’s low down the priority list.

I’m not overbearing, I don’t expect him waiting on her hand and foot and giving her every moment of his time. All I’m asking is, is it normal that a young lad that tells his girlfriend he loves her doesn’t actually seem to spend much time with her and all plans seem to be driven by her.

Both have jobs, both are at college, have friends and hobbies. I suppose I feel he’s a bit useless as she is the one driving the plans to meet up.

It sounds absolutely great! She's too young for a serious relationship anyway. Consider yourself lucky that he is busy and disinterested enough to have kept the pace slow enough to hopefully allow her to go on to university without looking back.

@Negantiger, I don’t think there’s anything wrong that when we briefly see him to say hello or engage. We don’t seek him out for conversation. Just a hello or goodbye would do. I mean I assume most 18 year olds can manage that. I have absolutely no desire for her to settle down. In simple terms I was asking is it normal for a girl to be driving most of the plans to meet up and should we expect a little bit of basic curtesy when he’s in our house that he’ll occasionally say hello. My dd has plenty going on in her life. She has a heavy college work load, two jobs and several hobbies.

Would you expect a female friend of hers to drop her off if she visited a friend who had a car?

If so why?

If not, why do you expect him to?

She can use the bus cant she?

Its good they dont live in each others pockets to me. Has she got traits of being a bit controlling?

I don't think he sounds great at all.

I think that it is a low bar if we are celebrating him.

I have teen sons and daughters - none of them act like that.

There’s always an excuse why not to come. I don’t care if he comes for the meal or not. It’s up to him. He’s welcome but not forced. I don’t know how he’d have formed any impression about what we think about their relationship as he’s hardly ever come here. And when he does, we tend to stay out the way so they have space. It’s only when my DH has seen them on their way to going out that he’s tried to make conversation. We’re not hanging around waiting to chat and welcome him into the family.

On the other side my dd has gone out for a family meal with them, eaten with them quite a few times.

I don’t expect him to spend time with me or my husband but what I’m saying is it feels like he barely spends time with my daughter and I was curious to get a gauge on whether it was typical. With her last boyfriend they spent a few nights a week together, he ate here, she ate with his family and at their choosing she went on holiday with them.

No but if they’re always there, yes I would kind of expect him to occasionally drop her home. We’ve picked her up every time, we don’t mind, she is our kid.

No she isn’t controlling. I think she’d just like to feel that she wasn’t slotted into one evening a week and that he naturally made plans. He naturally makes plans with his friends.

You should dump him

Oh wait, he isnt your boyfriend is he?

Perhaps he's shy, perhaps he's outright rude

Dont you have any dialogue with his parents?

maybe he just doesn’t like you….. it’s possible