TW DD told me she was raped

[Maximusdecimus]

Last night my dd who is 21 and autistic told me three years ago she was raped by her first boyfriend. She says she wants to go to therapy but absolutely does not want to go to the police.

She told me she woke up and he was having sex with her, it was her first time having sex with anyone. Then she said to me that was the night I asked you to come and get me but you wouldn’t. I feel like this is my fault and I left her to be raped. The boyfriend lived two hour drive from me, she had gotten the train over there and missed the connection home. She asked me late to come get her, it would have been a four hour trip late and I said oh you will be fine just get train back in morning. I feel dreadful. This is on me.

How do I help her and how can I make this up to her?

She asked for therapy, take her to therapy. And get some for yourself while you’re at it. Try not to make her feel responsible for your guilt. I’m so sorry this happened.

This is not on you OP. This is totally down to the man who raped her.
What you do now is support her and ensure she gets access to the therapy she needs and wants.

Don't feel dreadful, it's her boyfriend's crime , not yours. Poor girl. Hope she can find some good therapy and find a way through.

I should have gone to her. That’s my guilt though I won’t put it on her.

It is not on you at all OP. The vast majority of parents would not make such a trip, myself included. You weren’t to know. This is all on him.

I would consider myself very ‘available’ for my kids, but I wouldn’t have gone unless something was made clear to me to run and get them. You had no way of knowing, you reacted normally at the time with the information and circumstances. Your poor DD needs therapy in the first instance, and maybe you do too. Once/if she feels comfortable with the therapist you can ask for a joint session to open up about it between you both and see how she’d like to move forward. Better Help is IME good at matching therapists, there were lots of options to tick so you get someone right for what you want to discuss, and it’s online and might feel less intense for DD. Wishing you both healing and peace.

Op this isn’t on you. Had she not asked you, you wouldn’t blame her for missing her connection and staying over, would you? The piece of shit that raped her is to blame and only him.

I do not know any typical (rather than extremely anxious or controlling) parent that would have driven four hours to collect an adult child without good reason, and simply missing a train but having somewhere to stay would not be a reason to automatically assume she was in danger. You did nothing wrong.

I’m so sorry, Op. I hope therapy can help you both move through this.

i don't think its fair to ask a parent to come and get you like that unless there was an immediate danger which you didn't know about.

The fault is on the person who raped her- not you.

How were you to know? You can be regretful; you can tell her you’re sorry you didn’t go for her, but YOU didn’t rape her- he did.

I know she doesn’t want to go to the police, but she might not always feel that way. Be there to support her at every turn.

Thank you for your kind words, because she is autistic she is quite vulnerable and I usually go at the drop of a hat to pick her up. I just didn’t that night. I have permission on her behalf to speak to the doctor so I have called and am awaiting a call back.