It wasn’t meant to look like this

[cantdoitallmyself]

I have to be a bit cryptic here and I apologise for that.

I didn’t plan to be raising two children alone. All the support people insist exists doesn’t. If is just hard and relentless and miserable.

What support are people ‘insisting’ exists? I don’t think anyone imagines being a lone parent is easy.

Which bit of your post was cryptic?

Yes it is and then the money worries on top. I know how you feel. No one tells you but it's just the same grind day after day after day after day

But pat yourself on the back for each day you raise your children, knowing you are doing the best you can. Then one day you will hopefully look back and be proud that you kept going.

I’m not sure about the cryptic part, you’re a single parent and struggling. What support are you referencing please?

The reality of being a single parent is incredibly difficult, lonely and depressing.

As a SP of 4, I hear you.

Thank you. I guess this is it, the support is always about getting childcare in but that works out incredibly expensive and also falls on you to organise, it isn’t just like leaving them with another parent.

I don't think this is the point of the post. The OP is looking for support and empathy for the hardest job in the world.

Thanks for saying that. I thought I’d probably get a few questions and I don’t really want to talk about those answers if that makes sense so that bit was the cryptic bit.

It’s hard work OP. Being responsible for everything is exhausting.
I'd love for someone to make my dinner occasionally…or just a cup of coffee.

UC exists and child maintenance/child benefit exists- what other support were you expecting?

Not really talking about the financial side of things.

Single parent here for 21 years.

Yes, no one wanted to babysit or help in any practical way. At one point, I hadn't had an evening out for 7 years!

We need to stop using the phrase ‘it takes a village’ for a start. For a lot of people there is no village. I didn’t have a single family member or friend to help me. When you ask or look for help or advice online you’re bombarded with suggestions that simply will not work, and then made to feel like you’re being difficult for not being able to accept or access the help that doesn’t work, for eg ask a school mum to help with school runs, my youngest dc is now in year 4 and I don’t have a single mum friend that I could ask for help for a school run in an emergency. Or to go to babysitting agency’s (like when I had a hospital appointment I knew was going to take a few hours), like leaving your child with a random off the internet is normal. And for the financial side of things I am constantly butting heads with uc, as despite working I am always JUST under the minimum threshold of what they want me to earn a month to take me out of intensive work search. The only job I’ve been able to find is care work, when I complain I cannot work more as the hours would mean I have to pay for more childcare, they ALWAYS come back with ‘well you’re entitled to vouchers’. Yes I’m entitled to vouchers for ofsted registered childminders, none of which by me will work much outside normal school hours and none will work weekends. Which means I’ll have to pay a babysitter, bearing in mind they charge around £15 an hour, I earn minimum wage, of which uc takes 55% so I’ll be paying to work! So I’m taking care of 3 kids and working 5 days a week, while having to do 35 hours intensive work search and weekly job centre appointments. And the only help I ever got was from the local children centres, all of which closed down due to cuts! Sorry for turning this into my own rant op. But yes it’s fucking hard

It is hard, but it does get easier. I was a single parent since my DC was a toddler. There was never any contact with the father after the first couple of months, so I was completely alone. Not a penny of financial support either. I used to cry myself to sleep at first, thinking they would be better off being raised by someone else who would do a better job than me and provide a normal family.

But it got much easier once at school. I used to take DC with me when socialising (dinner/coffee with friends, not the pub!), festivals, all sorts of places round the world. I enjoyed doing things together, and I never felt like I missed out on anything.

Looking back (I am a grandparent now), I think there were advantages to being a single parent in some ways. I never had to argue with anyone about how to raise DC. The father never got to be a bad influence. I got to raise my family how I thought was best. I never had to put up with someone else's bad behaviour, abuse, hostility or controlling behaviour. We got to make our own decisions and were happy. It's obviously harder to see the positives when you are in the situation though.

I hope that this is just a hard spell that you are going through, that will soon pass, and that you feel more positive about things soon.

Im with you. I did 10 years of being a mid- waged, full time working mum of two. Dad left at the beginning of the second pregnancy. Trying to juggle childcare and keep employed was awful. The children being in round the clock childcare was soul destroying. However, you get through it . As time passes, children become more able to do stuff independently. Your work/life balance will ease up, you constantly find efficiencies to make life easier. Be easy on yourself.

I get it Op I see people advising women to leave relationships all the time because it’s easier and better on your own apparently, well that might be true if you have a huge village of support around but for me it’s been the hardest and most exhausting thing ever and definitely not easier on my own. Im convinced people that say that have lots of family support

Obviously. I couldn’t imagine anything harder.
Hang in there OP, it does get easier as they get older.
Had anything particular triggered your post that you want to talk about?

Not every single parent is entitled to UC or can access maintenance.

If you are not entitled to UC you are either not in the UK or have independent means of support. If your husband doesn't pay chid maintenance then the Dept pays it for him and chases him for it- it is not a case of access, unless as before you are not in the UK.

Offering solidarity.

I was a single mum to five, aged between 9 and 2 when we split up. It was hell. Their father didn't pay a penny, we were so broke it wasn't funny and a long way from any family help. I was on my own completely.

But now they are all adults and absolutely wonderful people with good jobs and marrying and buying their own houses and are all appreciative of how hard I had it and what a good job I did (I absolutely did not think I was doing a good job at the time! But they have, surprisingly, very good memories).

It's hard work OP, especially with two, but your dcs will love you for always being there. And it does get easier.

My ex didn't get up at night once, or change a dirty nappy. After we left, he did 10-14 nights a year but only after ds was toilet trained, sleeping through and could use a knife & fork. He never once did a school run or a medical appt, a parent's evening or a school play.

Now an adult, ds knows who was there for him. I've never had to say anything. Our relationship is brilliant.

MN doesn't like posts with scant detail.

I've been where you are, many years ago, when my husband decided that he'd rather go on holiday instead of raising our son. Our son was 2 weeks old at the time.

Never got a penny of child support from him, and, for reasons I still don't understand, I never qualified for any benefits, so I had to go back to work when my son was a few weeks old, and rely on family to look after him. It was horrendously hard. Now he's in his 30s and it all feels like such a long time ago.

I had to rotate the same two outfits as I didn't have any money to buy any clothes, and to this day I can't stop buying clothes now I can afford to.

It's hard but you can see how many of us have been through it, and millions worldwide.