If your parents didn’t/ don’t like/ talk to each other: how does it make you feel?

[JoanofCamden]

My parents have 3 kids and 4 grandkids together. They live (separately) in the same town. They were married for 5 years in the 1980s. However, they haven’t spoken to each other since the 90s.

Growing up, this was hard. As an adult, it’s a problem that I could do without. Every family event has to revolve around keeping them apart.

Can anyone else relate to this? How do you navigate it?

Yes - my parents split up when I was 17, my Dad remarried 18months later.
the woman he married gets very anxious/emotional at events if my Mum and other family are there, unfortunately this manifests as shrill inappropriate behaviour- ugh it’s awful.
so we have to keep them apart.
it’s such a pain, even after 33 years it doesn’t get any easier.

My parents disliked each other but couldn't separate due to finances. It was a massive relief to leave home and get away from their constant sniping.

As far as I could see it was mostly my f's fault. He was of an era where he expected everything his own way, He was lazy, selfish, sexist, aggressive, a bully. It left me determined to never marry or allow myself to be dependent on a man in any way.

Once an adult, I used to take dm out to lunch occasionally to give her a break, away from him. I didn't have to worry about what he thought, he'd gone NC with me for going to university against his wishes.

I'd continue to see them separately in your situation.

Growing up, this was hard. As an adult, it’s a problem that I could do without. Every family event has to revolve around keeping them apart.

What would happen if you all stopped dancing around them? If you didn't try to keep them apart? If you said to yourself this problem isn't mine and I'm not dealing with it. left to themselves maybe they'd keep themselves apart. If they have a blazing row ask them to leave and tell them they won't be at the next birthday party as they can't be civil. Or simply don't invite them next time and don't even tell them why.

@Pallisers the problem is that some events are one in a lifetime and/or really special for key people - eg a wedding, funeral etc.
if it’s spoiled it’s spoiled forever.
my DSis is still sad about such an event

My siblings spend a lot of time making it all work for the sake of the children. I agree with you but then everytime I take a step back, my siblings get angry with me for not helping! 😭

Absent some horrific back story, your parents are acting like spoiled toddlers over a 5 year relationship that ended nearly 40 years ago. Let them. I understand Twoshoesnewshoes point about special occasions where I would appoint a couple of people to be the referees/monitors but for ordinary get togethers/birthday parties etc I would simply drop the rope and explain to your sisters that it makes you far too upset and if you have to referee you might end up spending the whole day crying yourself. Sometimes it is ok to make people angry - maybe it will open your sisters' eyes to the dysfunction they are teaching their children.

Honestly your parents should be ashamed of themselves inflicting this on two generations - so selfish.

Mine are like this; it makes me feel so sad.

Fuck that!
That crap is between my mum & dad and if they don’t want to be in the same room, fine, don’t be.
I don’t entertain any of it.
I tell them the plans, either come or don’t but don’t be bitching or ruining any of it for everyone else. Any issues, they can leave. Done.

But if I do do this, then everyone says that I’m the bad guy! I can’t win!

Me too.
So be it.
I’ve no time for any of that crap and no one is ruining my carefully arranged celebrations and down time with their shitty behaviour.

I worry about this for my DD. My XH hates me with a passion even though he is the one who had an affair, has neglected his relationship with our DD and treated me like a paid servant since. I’m civil, but have boundaries but I’d never do anything to make my DD feel uncomfortable.

It's difficult but they're both adults, it's not for you to manage. I presume they don't have to see each other often, isn't it easy enough to keep them apart? If they can't be civil to each other at birthdays, funerals & weddings then they don't come - it's not your problem, it's their problem! And if people want to think you're the bad guy - let them! People can think what they like and you can't change that.