Flaking on original arrangements if you get a better offer

[SpainToday]

I am being deliberately vague here, for privacy reasons.

Earlier in the year, we booked a festive day-out event with relatives. We all agreed on the date, so DH and I booked and paid. We offered to pay, so that's fine. However over the weekend, the relatives have been invited to an extra event, which overlaps with the original event. We would need to leave the day-out just after lunch, missing half of the things we wanted to see/do, if we were going to get the relatives back in time for event 2.

I've told them we can't make it work logistically, so the ball is in their court. They are still deliberating and I'm really hurt and cross. I think this is really rude - if you have plans, then you stick to them, even if you get a better offer?

Nope, the opposite.

I keep my options open by NOT committing to plans in advance if we think we might get a better offer.

I don't commit then ask people to change their plans.

The other year MIL agreed to babysit on my birthday then randomly told us she'd be coming two hours later as she wanted to squeeze in attending the first 90m of her family Christmas party. Tough tits IMO.

Just don't treat them again. Let them know you aren't happy.

Did they actually really want to come or are they on a 3 line whip where you’ve asked them to join you on a festive family previous moment that is mega important to you - but clearly less so to them.

i occasionally flake - not for a better offer but because i am knackered.

most normal people are ok with that - as they understand social arrangements are supposed to be fun - not blood oaths.

But sometimes people need to know in advance if they are booking tickets etc. I also have friends gatherings sometimes and these need to be booked in advance to get a clear date for everyone. I am too old for this but it is also bad of parents of school age children, who won’t RSVP to birthday party invitations until a couple of days beforehand, just in case they get a better invitation. The person organising the birthday child’s party needs to plan it and may be able to invite other children if some can’t go.
I have no objection if for example, my husband and I invite a couple round for a meal and then they get a much better offer and want to rearrange. Fair enough, this has usually only happened when we have been given plenty of notice.

how did the conversation go - did they say "oh we've now been invited to this other thing, do you think we could all leave early so you can drop us at the other thing?"

I mean - when mine were small we didn’t commit to a party in a church hall or soft play as we are a family of 5. Who like to camp. If the weather was good I’m afraid 5 people getting a weekend away trumps nuggets and haribo.

I’d expect others to do similar - eg ‘tangential kid in class vs mums scored tickets to FA cup final and can only go if kids are at granny’s. Granny’s is too far to drive back’ and I’d make it up to the kid by taking them out with line another time to celebrate. If their mum was in an arse with me then too bad.

Tell them that’s fine, but they’ll have to sort their own transport back if they’ve made a second lot of plans, as you don’t want to miss out on the remainder of the day out, especially as it wasn’t cheap.

Done, ball is in their court.

That is an excellent idea. They can organise a taxi pick up.

Yes, really rude. You don't cancel on people because you have a better offer unless you're a dick (with a little leeway for very special occasions).

So you are one of the people that just don’t reply and then turn up occasionally. Yes I get that you may have more important things to do but surely you would know a couple of days beforehand what the weather was going to be like?

Correction - sometimes people WANT to know in advance if they WANT to book tickets.

If they want me to come to something with them that requires a ticket booking, and I'd prefer to keep the weekend open because I'm not that fussed, then as harsh as it sounds, that's a "them" problem.

Obviously it's not like I never book tickets in advance, but if someone invites me to something, it has to be at least 3/4:

• people I want to spend time with
• a time convenient to me
• something I want to do
• works for my family/wider calendar

No, I’m just not able to commit half a term in advance - all kinds of things can happen in between times. A kids party is very low on my list of priorities.

if we can’t / don’t commit ‘soon enough’ for your liking (bear in mind this is a child’s party, not a wedding) then we’ll just say no and that’s fine.

Perfect way to handle this.

I agree that it's really rude OP.

I suppose the only time that I'd even consider it would be if I'd arranged to do something and then the second thing was a once-in-a-lifetime event - siblings' wedding, tickets for favourite band playing locally or something. But I'd still feel really guilty about it and would of course offer to pay you back for the tickets if you'd bought them.

In the specific circumstances you describe, no way. But live and learn, don't invite them to anything again.

It is not my liking or not. I am too old. I am talking about my grandchildren’s generation of parties. Yes, I have taken my grandchildren to a party at the weekend. I don’t think that any parent expects people to reply weeks in advance. They know themselves it is difficult but most people can manage a week before or a ‘not sure can I let you know a couple of days before?’ They maybe just haribo and nuggets to you but most young children really like being at a party with their friends ( just as much as adults do.)

I think I would say something like, you need to tell us if you actually want to come, because we will be going for the whole thing, and if you don't want to do that, we will offer your tickets to someone else.

how did the conversation go - did they say "oh we've now been invited to this other thing, do you think we could all leave early so you can drop us at the other thing?"

Basically yes - via text. The main event - imagine something like a trip to Harry Potter at Warner Bros studios (its not that, but its comparable). We all fancied doing it for a while, we worked out a date in the summer, as you need to book well in advance, and we booked and paid. Due to the location of the event, they would really struggle to get transport back on their own if they want to leave early. I replied to say that no, we can't leave early, it would spoil the whole day and I've heard nothing more back so far ......

I remember a post on MN about a Boy Scout who invited lots of friends to his birthday party and they accepted. He was delighted to wake up to great weather on the day and spent the morning arranging outdoor activities for the party.

Most of his friends didn’t turn up - apparently some families had decided to go to the beach instead. The boy was upset on the day and remained deeply hurt afterwards, so he left the Scouts. It’s such a shitty thing to do to a child.

I wouldn’t even consider leaving the event early myself to drive them to the new event.

If they want to go to the second event, they should skip the whole day rather than asking you to leave early to taxi them to event B, cheeky sods.

This is exactly what DH and I think. So we're just waiting to hear what their decision is. We are not impressed.

I'm with you, @SpainToday really rude, as is dropping out of an event at the last minute for no good reason other than not fancying it.

Do you need to wait on them? Or do you have other people who could use the tickets, your parents? Siblings? Friends?

DH should just message and rescind the invite - they should honour their commitments but their wishy washy indecision would put me off them attending at all.

Bloody rude and selfish, and if if they want to leave the event early, they can sort their own transport and not ruin the rest of your day. Or they just don't come.

OP, could they not book a taxi to get home early?