Toddler won’t wear waterproof / raincoat

[Harrieteve]

I know there are a lot of these threads already! Normally I totally subscribe to “bring it with you they will wear it when they’re ready”. My toddler isn’t a tantrumy kid but he’s quite sensitive to “new” things and he’s had a vendetta about waterproof coats for probably a year. He wears those wool fleece things and we managed with that last winter when he was less mobile. He’s now almost 3.

However he does forest school now and goes out for rainy walks a lot with his nursery and the manager called me today and basically said it makes their nursery look bad and the kids can’t be seen without coats not to mention a full day of forest school without a waterproof is a bit of a stretch as it gets wetter / colder. We sent him in with 3 options and the nursery tried three different members of staff and just about coaxed him into a puddlesuit but he said he wanted to do a wee and took it off. We tried some tough love this morning and forced him into one and he screamed and screamed and took it off.

I’m thinking we can try taking him shopping to pick one out but we’ve tried a few types so I’m not holding out much hope. Any good books? Do I story board it out? Any thoughts? I know this seems RIDICULOUS.

This, he's 3 years old he should do as he's told by adult to keep him safe and dry. I'd ignore any screaming and he'd soon get over it. As PP said what if he refuses to wear seatbelt?

Do you think he'd wear a poncho so he can pee? We've got Reima snow suits from vinted which are really designed with freedom of movement in mind. They do coats too.

He’s definitely a sensitive child and I know there’s some crossover with autism and highly sensitive people of which I think 20% of people are? He’s ok with most other clothing but anything new takes a while to warm up. Eg wellies were a problem at first and we had to try a few pairs, make it a game etc. He’s a slow to warm up temperament and I do think he’s naturally anxious and fearful so it does seem like there’s something he really isn’t comfortable with. He doesn’t typically have major tantrums or meltdowns eg if he can’t have a toy he mostly gets over things quite easily. Having said that I don’t think he’s got many other features of autism, eg fine with other textures like sand, mud, wet (to a point!)

Yeah I think this is the issue if he stayed back it would be with the manager and the chef and I guess that would be an issue for them long term

Thank you! This is what we’ve done today when he’s home with us so I think we need to gently keep working on it with him. I guess I will need to have another chat with nursery

It’s a good suggestion as it wasn’t!! But we went today to try and find something with cars or Bluey etc on and he was initially excited but then once saw it was a coat it was the same sort of thing. He’s not that into tv yet either so hasn’t really got a character he’s obsessed with. Maybe zog might be good if I can find something!

I have a coat refuser. It's really easy to say things like 'he has to wear it' or 'it's non-negotiable' but that's a little trickier in practice when they just keep taking it off over and over again.

One thing that helped for us was that for a while, the coat had to be worn every single time we went out, even if it wasn't actually wet weather. So there was no uncertainty about if it was a coat day or not. And it also meant we could pick an activity that DS really really wanted to do and then not set off until the coat was on (he didn't particularly like nursery so was quite happy to coat-refuse for that).

Now DS is primary school age and will wear his coat on his head but not put his arms in the sleeves, and run around being Batman.

Ebay/Vinted are your friends here so you aren't shelling out lots on brand new waterproofs that get refused. There's normally loads of toddler waterproofs. @banhmi's suggestion to buy large is a good one as it means you can put comfy layers underneath and if there are any sensory sensitivities they might be less of an issue if the coat is looser fitting.

Please could you remind me of the book title? The link isn’t working?

This all seems sensible and actually some of the issue I think is that we get straight in the car and then we are at nursery and there isn’t really a good moment for the coat moment.

With the naggy campaign is this just going on about why we wear coats, the weather etc etc?

Thanks for this! Do you think your child has any sensory / sensitivity issues or was it just a random dislike?

Why are you negotiating with a critter too young to wipe its own arse.
You are the parent. Put it on or he does not go. This is not the nursery staffs job, it's yours.

This is all really helpful. He will actually wear a coat, it’s just one of those soft Engel wool ones which he’s worn since he was a baby and I think it’s just familiar. I like your idea about always going it, that’s like the Engel coat in the winter and he doesn’t fight it. I think maybe we sort of need to make that unavailable so the raincoat becomes the main one as I think essentially a raincoat is a much more unknown / unused item for him!

Maybe! Will look into it. It’s hard to know exactly what the issue is whether it’s the zip, the bulk, the texture etc. Eg we’ve tried fleecy lined and that’s not worked. A poncho might be quite bulky but maybe not, will investigate!

I’m of the opinion that he just needs to wear it. It’s a non negotiable. However, I also don’t like the plasticky feel on my skin. You can get waterproof coats that don’t feel plasticky. Also, what about a dry robe style?

That only works if he's putting on a coat to go do something he wants to do though. What happens if it's pissing it down outside and he needs to go to the doctor/dentist/barber [insert other place child hates here]?

with DS I think it's a combination of sensory issues and demand avoidance tbh.

I picked it at random but it's called 'Ruffles and the red red coat' - looks OK but is not really a recommendation, just the type of thing you could get.

Yes, the naggy campaign is talking about it until it makes you sick. You don't have to be subtle. They can notice you're wanging on about it. 'Oh look it's raining! I hope daddy's wearing a COAT or he'll get wet and miserable!' 'Let's go for a walk, look I'm putting my COAT on in case it rains... one sleeve, two sleeve, there we are!' Make a little game where you say 'oh no! It's raining! What do we need? Our.... (shout) COATS! There must be a song about putting coats on somewhere you can find? That sort of thing. I actually feel like DD would get so sick of me doing that stuff she would just acquiesce in the end as long as she felt like it was her decision.

As a side note, she did turn out to be autistic. I'm not diagnosing your DS but I think some strategies for demand avoidant parenting can help with toddlers anyway in my experience (of four or five family toddlers, I'm not claiming vast knowledge) so it might be worth having a look. That's not to do 'permissive parenting' or shirk your responsibilities by the way. It's just adapting to what is effective as opposed to what you wish were effective (i.e. 'just do it').

My 19 year old was like this as a toddler. Diagnosed with autism at 7. Became able to tell us about how coats felt to him at about 10 and had amazing recall of how painful they had been when he was little. It's not always a case of he'll get used to it/he just has to do as he's told. I know it's not like this for all young children but what if it actual does feel like pain to him or "just" inspires an utter revulsion like nails down a chalkboard, that never goes away with exposure?

The best ones for him were Hatley and a Lands End one but there's probably a whole new generation now. The worst was a pacamac. The inside is as important as the outside, the right lining or wearing a favourite supersoft fleece underneath helped. Over the head ones were better than zip up ones. This will vary from child to child. He has always been drawn to supersoft textures - he used to be obsessed with cuddly toys and he chose them entirely by texture.

It sounds to me like you are steering a good course between adapting to him and persevering. But I agree with PPs that forest school is creating a battle that is not needed. If he were just in nursery on non forest school days he could hopefully be a lot more free flow and stay inside when the weather's worst, and giving him that autonomy in itself would take pressure off and may help enormously. Many times if we can take the pressure off he can manage more because the pressure itself amplifies the sensory distress.

OP the other thing I to forgot to mention is it might help to make sure you are wearing a raincoat when you are asking DC to put one on.

Eldest DC used to be a hat refuser in winter. It made a huge difference during the toddler years if we all wore a hat when we went out. (He's older now and not so bothered who is or isn't wearing a hat).

My we didn’t know it at the time ASD daughter attended Forest school. I spent a lot of money getting very good clothing for her that was sensitive to her needs.

her teachers also just carried her coat until she wanted to wear it. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

Is it the crinklyness if the material? My 14 year old boy also won't wear a waterproof for this reason.
I've gotten my kids rubberised raincoats from Tesco this year, inside they're really soft "fur" and the girls love them because of this.

Take a look at this: https://www.tesco.com/shop/en-GB/clothing/products/324013599

It appears only the girls ones have the fur but this one has a soft lining and shouldn't be noisy.

Once he’s at school and it’s break time he’ll have to wear a coat (like everyone else) to go outside when it’s cold/wet. He will have to go outside, there won’t be a chance to stay in because he doesn’t want to wear it as that’s when the teacher and TAs get stuff done/have their break.
It’s hard, but we all have to adhere to rules.

I think there are a few things going on here, and the post of yours I quoted identified one-off those things. He likes his familiar, always-had-one woolly coat so he doesn’t want what he sees as an alternative to that, so he’ll scream until he gets the ‘right’ coat or, at least, not the ‘wrong’ coat.

So:

1. Put the woolly coat away temporarily if you don’t think he’ll cope with an explanation (we need a raincoat for Autumn/Winter). Either make it disappear and don’t say a word, or say it needs mending or whatever you think best for your child, but remove it totally as an option.

2. Set the expectation that when we go out in Autumn/Winter we wear a waterproof coat. It’s non-negotiable. If he won’t put it on, you don’t go out. If he removes it when you’re out, you go straight home.

3. If it’s an option, invite a friend round (parent pre-warned about the issue) and let your son watch them put their coat on with no fuss so you can all go to the park.

4. For Forest School, get him a puddle suit or coat and waterproof trousers and make it clear to him that he will wear them if he wants to [insert exciting forest school activity]. Tell the staff to ignore tears and fussing and be cheery about it, not reprimanding: “Oh, come on, Ben! Let’s get your lovely suit on so we can do X. Look, Friend has got his on already. Well done, Friend! He’s going to get extra points/biscuits/goes on the slide/whatever”.

5. Remember he’s a young child. Children like boundaries. They don’t need autonomy when they’re very young. They don’t need lots of choices. They need to know the world is like this and this is what we do. As your son is 3yrs old, he’s at the age where most children try to push against boundaries. But, the reason they do that is partly for security - to see you reinforce them and be consistent. That’s what makes them feel safe.

Your son needs you to make sensible decisions for him, and to gently and calmly enforce them.

Don't offer any options. he is a toddler who will need a coat in these conditions, he is not a fashionista.

Pick the coat that in your judgement as a parent is best for him. Try to ensure that you choose one that will be difficult for him to take off.

The first time you put it on him, do it when you are staying at home.

Let him scream his head off. Ignore.

If he manages to get it off, put it straight back on him as many times as he takes it off.

Don't engage. Don't open a chance for him to give his opinion.

Let it take all day if needed.

He will realise, eventually, that he has no choice because you are not giving him one.

Or you can continue to do what he says and wants.

What do you suggest if several children want the teachers to do that?

Do you think they should be a mixture of packhorse and servant?

Something waterproof but not these strange noisy waterproof over clothes?