Parents moving in with their adult children.

[WhatsItAllForAnyway]

I've noticed a couple of very recent threads along the lines of adult children moving in. The two specific ones I'm thinking of are an adult son in urgent need, and an adult talking about moving back with parents just to save rent (rather than in an emergency). It seems the overwhelming majority feel that they would always let their child stay with them, especially in an emergency, but not quite so much in the latter case. I know I'd always have an open door for my children in an emergency.

This has given me curiosity if people feel just as open to the idea of their parents staying with them in a crisis, or just moving in with them at all. So, what do you think? Would you feel just as open to your parents moving in with you as you would be for your children? Are you more open to your children moving in with you than your parents? Does it cut both ways or not?

I don't think my kids will ever be in a position for me to move in with them, the way the economy is going.
I often find multi generational living is overly romanticised.

If it came to it, hopefully the parents staying would be able to contribute financially to take that extra off the children. I know not everyone would be in that position though.

This hits the nail on the head. If I were single and had the room, there would be zero issues with my parents moving in with me- it would essentially be the same scenario as me moving in with them. The issue is that I’m married so it would be more down to whether my husband would be happy to have my parents live with us, and vice verse for his parents.

it’s not a one for one swap. When an adult child moves in with parents, it is basically a family unit that has already been tried and tested, but not the same if parents move in with a married couple.

And it is usually a woman who will be disadvantaged, either expected to be carer or the one that does all the household chores etc.

Also moving elderly parents in isn’t always the best thing for them. If they need care and other adults in the house work, how does that work? Parents can be isolated from their friends and social life if everyone else in the house is at work/school

I cheerfully offer that DM can move in permanently (but she never would, she doesn't)t approve of me over her precious son). It's a tactic to stay inherited! As for the DC, yes - in a heartbeat I would house them all. Not cook and clean for them, but absolutely house them all; they are my children. I would never let them down (if they were active addicts, I may think twice, but they are not; they work, one's married). I would walk through fire for my children

Yes. That's how it often works in Asian families. A woman doing all the grunt work for the entire household. The cooking! Fuck me, the cooking expected of Asian DILs. 😂 Pasta or a sandwich will never do for some parents.

No I couldn't cope with my parents moving in with me. I would heavily suggest they move to a retirement type village if that was the case. But they have never really helped me with childcare or anything else.

I always said I would have my mum to live with us if needed. DP felt the same, but only about my mum, not his parents! My dad was never part of the discussion because hell would have frozen over before he would live in anyone else’s house. He was very set in his ways and not sociable at all, so it would have been difficult for him and us. As it happened, my mum needed to stay with us when she was having work done. My dad had died and by this stage Mum was suffering with (at that point undiagnosed) Alzheimer’s and it was probably the most stressful time in my life. I had two young children and honestly thought that I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Looking back, even before my mum had Alzheimer’s, she was very needy and almost reverted to being a child when out of her home environment, ie waiting for me to entertain her and do everything for her. Not in a demanding way, more in an insecure way because she didn’t feel in charge of herself when out of her own surroundings. I loved her very much, but honestly think, dementia notwithstanding, I was deluded to think it would be a nice idea to have her living with us.

I think it's different with kids, many parents want to see their kids thrive and will make sacrifices like having them live with them as adults to save for a deposit. If it is seen as a temporary step that leads to the child going on to a more secure future it can feel worth it.

It can be different with parents as many won't feel the same responsibility and with someone a bit older than you there isn't that same feeling of hope for the future that you would have for your child. If you're in a couple the one of you is someone that isn't related to the parents and hasn't grown up with them, living together can make for a tricky dynamic, especially if there isn't much space.

I'm not convinced by intergenerational living. Agree with PP that we do romanticise it. I remember as a new graduate around the 2008 crash everyone was talking about it becoming more common. I mean it has in that there are loads of young adults that can't afford to move out but I don't think many would choose to move in partners or have children in those circumstances.

Well, I'm widowed and have the space, so I could let my widowed mum stay with me in an emergency. I wouldn't necessarily enjoy it as she's very old and opinionated, but I'd never see her suffer if she needed help. If the same question was asked of me when my husband was alive and my kids young, it wouldn't have been a case of me not wanting my parents, more a case of my miserable, selfish husband not wanting them, no spare room then and the mess from husband being a bit of a hoarder. Likewise though, I wouldn't have wanted my ILs staying. MIL was a narcissist and FIL, while mostly OK, was the type to sit his arse on the sofa, control the tv and expect the women to do everything for him.

My DH gets on better with my own mum than his mum. ( both are widowed). He's told me he's ok with my mum living with us in the future, but would find it hard to live with his mum.

My mum is still very independent and easy going at 81, though this may decline. His mum not so much.

I am going to organise my own care home!

I grew up in a multi generational household so it’s normal to me, DC is growing up in a multi generational household because my parents moved in with us 5 years ago.
DC will always have a room and be welcome, adding their partner if and when that happens might be tricky on space but tbh I’m not expecting my DM to live into her 90s because of her health (we lost DF last year) so their annexe would be available.

My young adult DC are both in education and living at home. We have an agreement that if they wish they can stay here when they start work as long as they are saving to be able to afford a place of their own. Once they move out they will always be welcome to come and visit and we would accommodate them if they have a relatively short term need but I don't think it's healthy for them to live with parents longer term (for lots of reasons, having seen this with a sibling).

I have accommodated both my DM and MIL for short periods of time in an emergency but would not consider anything more than that. I think this is very different from accommodating my DC (who I would have for longer). The DC are used to how our household works and are likely to just fit in with that. When our parents have stayed it's the reverse- they expect that we will fit in with how they do things. Also, if parent want to move in it tends to be because they have care needs. It is very easy to say 'It's your parent, you should look after them, they did it when you were small' etc but the reality of providing 24/7 care indefinitely is a different matter. My DM stayed with us not long ago when she first started to find it difficult managing on her own and has made it clear that she really wants to move in for the rest of her life. Even if we had space (we don't unless I kick one of the DC out or move house) I will not consider that. Her care needs will only increase and even with visiting carers her needs would dictate our lives. I don't think that would be good for anyone and I don't think it's unreasonable to not put my own life on hold for what could be 10+ years. This is very different from offering an adult child a place to stay whilst they get back on their feet.

Just to add. I have made it clear to my DC that I absolutely do not expect, or want, to move in with them if/when I am elderly and need help. I am very happy to have residential care if I need it.

All true. Providing care is very difficult. No judgement of anyone who can't do it.

I am hoping to go part time by the time my mum needs serious care. Most people can't. Also, I have looked after my mum when she had surgery, and she's a great patient. Most aren't.

I would always have my children or my mum. My MIL did move in with us for 6 months or so at the end of her life, it wasn't easy all the time but I wouldn't change anything. We also stayed between MIL and my mum's house when doing renovations. Its what family does. If my siblings or my DR'S siblings were ever in need we would make it work somehow.

I always wonder if people say they would take parents in, how does that work if you have various parents. Happy to have your own parents but not in-laws? If parents have split up you could have 4 sets of elderly parents, who gets first dibs? And if you take one set in, surely to be fair you should offer to other set

No problem either way I provided a stop gap betweens my parents selling then getting there new house earlier in the year and they saved my skin for a few weeks when first marriage went very wrong and had 4 kids with mea fee years ago. What goes around comes around

My young neighbours bought a wrecker did it up and sold it for a good price. Her parents also sold their house at the same time. They combined the money to purchase an enormous house together. It means this couple have a house they would never have afforded and will avoid inheritance tax if the parents live 7 years. I think it’s a great idea.

But parents moving into my existing home wouldn’t be for me, unless they needed care.

And if the couple split up?

Maybe they had something written up? I think you would have to. The couple have a child together but they aren’t married, maybe it’s in her interest that they don’t marry.

I remember there was a poster on here who had their MIL move in. Then the poster’s partner died so she was left with the MIL. The MIL’s health then deteriorated and she really needed to be in a home but resisted. It got very messy and stressful

Absolutely would have had my DM if she needed a place to stay until she got back on her feet or if she needed work doing on her house (as previous poster mentioned) or the like. Would be happy to have a house with an in-law unit for a more permanent arrangement, with the understanding that she'd get carers in rather than me doing it. Wouldn't have my dad.

Kids would be welcome in an emergency but would expect it to be temporary. If my kids had kids I'd be much more reluctant unless there was an end in sight. e.g. just bridging between housing that DC could definitely afford. Better to get into council housing asap, I think, if housing themselves in the private market isn't realistic. But I'd do a year to keep kids in the same school or something if needed. And certainly if there was danger to my DC or DGC and they needed to bolt then my door would be open, though would be asking about long term plans pretty quickly. Would also be happy to have kids and grandkids in an annex on a permanent basis.

I think a lot does depend on the personalities and existing family dynamics. However, I would advise anyone against making firm promises about providing care. I had helped look after DM after surgery and through chemotherapy and it was fine. She now has dementia and it's an entirely different situation. If I were to agree to her living with me there is no way I could care for her properly and also work even part time. Her night time wandering etc would keep the entire household up every night and even with carers visiting it would be very difficult to have any sort of normal social life or family life. I might do this if it was a short term issue (eg with a terminal illness or recovery from an illness) but her needs will only increase and people with her illness often live for many years with diminishing awareness and quality of life. I think it is better for both of us that I can have my own life whilst she is cared for by professional carer, rather than one burned out daughter, and I should be able to visit her/take her out etc and try to do things she will enjoy rather than being too busy just trying to keep on top of the essentials of keeping her safe.

DD would be more than welcome.

My Mum 'no'. She's not an easy person, constantly talks at you, hard to respond and if you get a chance to speak, it's normally because she wants a heated discussion or they'll be a knock back about something, ie say a tv programme we've mentioned. She easily falls out with people, right now the only people that speak to her are us, DD&BF, local people she passes (no friends or rest of family). I dread phoning her as I never know if myself or someone else is in the wrong (and I'm expected to listen to her side, even though most of the time it's her fault) We wouldn't go and stay there either.