Has the lifestyle our parents had become impossible?

[bumblebugs]

My parents had what I suppose you’d call a very privileged/upper-middle or upper-class upbringing. They went to fancy private schools, there was family money around, and when they married they were able to buy a lovely big family home.
Growing up, we went to private school, had nice holidays (often a few a year), and generally had a very comfortable lifestyle. My parents would go to balls, have dinner parties, entertain friends etc. None of it seemed particularly unusual in their circle.
Now I’m married with a child myself, I’m realising that recreating anything close to that lifestyle seems almost impossible.
Between us, my husband and I earn roughly what I would have considered comparable to what our parents earned, and we both work hard. We have a nice life and can just about afford the things that matter to us, so I know we’re fortunate. But private school, a large family house and three nice holidays a year? Absolutely not. Even the social side seems different I don’t really know anyone regularly going to balls or hosting the sort of dinner parties our parents did.
I always assumed if I worked as hard as my parents did, I’d be able to give my children a broadly similar upbringing to the one I had. Now it feels as though the goalposts have completely moved.
Has anyone else from a similar background found this? Is this lifestyle simply much more expensive and inaccessible to our generation, or am I looking back at my childhood through rose-tinted glasses?

It's all relative I guess. I grew up in an incredibly abusive home, and we had very little (this was partly due to my parents' decision to have too many kids that they just couldn't afford). I worked really hard to get away from them all and to never be financially reliant on anyone. Now I live a life that is beyond the imagination of my parents. I am not rich, but I live in a reasonable house in a nice area and take several holidays a year. I could choose to host dinner parties but CBA 😅

Meta level answer is yes because of

Exportation of major manufacturing base eastwards from the 80's onwards

Leading to:

A service driven economy driven by a debt-based economy that is fuelled by fiat money - because we no longer make Leyland, Vauxhall, Rover or Ford

Leading to:

End-stage capitalism (2008 global financial crisis) and since then global mega corps are rinsing the arse out of whatever remains before the game is truly up

All the above leading to:

A planet with deteriorating climate the previous generations simply did not have to contend with. Partly because the previous 150 years consumption of fossil fuels had not began taking their toll until entry into the 21st C. This is combined with the fact that CEOs of BP et al from the 80s deliberately burying the evidential smoking gun and instead, deciding to use their massive wealth and influence to fund a campaign of disinformation in order to churn profits.

They won't be around to reap the rewards of regular 40 degree plus summers and multiple droughts per annum - still, we can all save on fancy holidays, as we can get burnt to a crisp here instead!

AI as the wildcard for gobbling up unskilled and skilled jobs at a rate of knots

10 billion people by 2100 is simply unsustainable, along with the fact that housing across the western world has become a capital commodity that is also in quite short supply... whereas Maslow has shelter on the base of the pyramid

I'd consider all of that a massive downgrade of life from the latter half of the 20th century, unless you are able to live in a small bubble and are temporarily well-insulated from the effects until you get a ticket on one of Elon's spaceships to nowhere 😀

This just sounds like as less extreme version of the old saying 'clogs to clogs in 3 generations'. Family wealth generated by one generation is generally lost by the third generation, returing the family to poverty. Now the OP is nowhere near poverty, but it does very much read as if the grandparents were the generation that actually made the money, and that the OPs parents lived a lifestyle they couldn't afford on their incomes alone. In doing so they were unable to help the OP by paying for things school fees etc that the grandparents probably helped with for her parents. The OP is comparing a lifestly entirly based on her and her husbands earned income to that of her parents which was supported by the grandparents, and to that of her grandparents who probably made the money!!

I grew up similar to OP. My parents bought a 6 bedroom detached Victorian farm house with 2 acres in 1973 for £12k. This was twice my dad’s salary. My mum sold it for £1.5m 5 years ago. She was pissed off me and DH wouldn’t buy it. I had to point out that despite both of us being well paid the house price was 10x DHs income! She just doesn’t get it and has implied that we have secret wasteful spending habits to be living in a 4 bed house with a garden 20x smaller than I grew up with. I’m perfectly happy and have a lovely life, mainly because I haven’t lived with my mother for decades and am not spending insane amounts of money heating a Victorian monstrosity.

My first thought was I suppose it depends on what lifestyle your parents had. I am a teacher, own my own tiny 2 bedroom house. This is more than my parents ever had. I can't identify with the lifestyle you describe. We need to find pleasure in what we have i suppose.

Grew up in a very small terraced house in a less great area. Dad worked full time in a junior to mid level office role at the council. Mum worked 3 hours a day in a school office. I attended private schools from the age of 4 to 13. Moved to state school because the private school didn’t suit me, but my parents could have afforded the fees to a level.

We live in a very average 3 bed semi. Drive a 15 year old car. Husband is a high earner, but my full time school job pays poorly. No way could we have afforded private school for DS, despite the fact, on paper we are better off than our parents.

We are definitely better off than our parents, it’s not skiing holidays and canapes but definitely have easier lives in many ways. It’s housing that is the killer.

I think also look at what we spend on, I spend a fortune on DD’s hobbies (500-600 a month) plus whatever else she wants to do etc, we eat out A LOT. If we didn’t do those things then yeah we would have more money for other stuff like a ski holiday.

I think the bit about the OP calling her parent’s private school fancy whereas hers was just a private school sums up her attitude.

My parents are in the 80's, they are working class but have both lived a very golden life.

Dad worked a job that he thoroughly enjoyed and earned good money in the process, mum was a SAHM and never wanted for anything, they could afford anything they wanted. They purchased the house they still live in for £9k, it's now worth around £700k. They are both only children and my mum inherited a large amount from her parents who were very careful with their money. I won't see any inheritance before anyone jumps on me because mum has advanced dementia and her savings are currently being drained down by care costs. Dad is also showing signs of cognitive decline.

They never had to struggle for anything, were looked after by both sets of parents financially and have lived a very comfortable and enjoyable life. I won't be so lucky sadly, I have health issues which means I haven't been able to work as much as I'd like and so life is much tougher but my dad moans constantly how hard done by he is, cost of living etc and doesn't appear to give a shit that both his children struggle with life.

I just hope and pray my dc will have a better time with things in their adulthood.

It's not just the UK where house prices have soared. Look at Canada and Australia.

I think all the snarking at the OP is not justified.
She recognises she had a wealthy upbringing.

But the phenomenon she describes is real and it is having an impact of people's beliefs, political views etc.

A London private day school or a boarding school outside the very social elite ones would have been primarily British children in the 1980s and 1990s and many of them would have fathers were doctors, dentists, senior lawyers in provincial firms etc. Mothers may have worked part time.

Today those same schools take a lot more foreign students as they can afford the fees. The children of the GP don't go there any more.

You can sneer about ponies but the story that was told was that if you work hard at school, go to university and train in one of the professions, you would have that same lifestyle. And it's not true and people feel cheated.

It's the same at a lower economic level too. Take a Midlands town in the 1980s, where dad was an engineering technician in a factory and mum perhaps worked part time in retail. They would and did acquire a three bed terrace in a nondescript suburb or maybe a new build on a Barrett estate or maybe they bought their council house.

Their adult children doing the same sort of jobs will not be able to buy a some similar to the one they grew up in.
There is more multi generational living and adult children still at home or in their partner's parents home at the working class/skilled manual class level because they can't afford the same housing standard as they grew up in. They probably also have slightly fancier lifestyles then their parents did since the relative cost of travel, food is lower but even if they lived extremely frugally, it doesn't mean they could buy the house.

The cost of housing is not just a upper middle class problem.

Will you not inherit some of the 700k house?

Exactly: my parents had 5 kids at private schools, but back then schools were not necessarily heated, many run by unpaid priests/nuns, and if there was a swimming pool it wasn’t heated, and the classrooms could be chilly. Food was basic, little choice, and running or walking miles was standard exercise. Sleeping in dormitories, little privacy.

Yes she will, just as her mother had a substantial inheritance

Doubtful, it's not in trust or anything like that and mum is soon to go into a care home at £1700 per week, dad is showing signs of cognitive decline so he may also need care at some point. Nothing is guaranteed.

Tbh, I don't want it, I have been helping to care for mum for the last 5 years and it's ruined me, I would much prefer the money goes towards decent care for them both and I can rebuild my life and start working again.

You had a very, very privileged upbringing, one that most of us can only dream of, so I answer from a different point of view. I grew up in the 70s & 80s. My parents never hosted a dinner party, or went to a ball, in their entire lives. No family money, started their married life in a grotty bedsit. Eventually we got a 3 bed semi. We went to Blackpool or Butlins once a year if they could afford it. We didn’t have much at all but we had what we really needed; a safe home, uniform for school, food. They were born just after the war and give us a very different upbringing than they had.

I think that as your starting point, so to speak, was so high it will be hard to match up to. My step-kids have, in turn, had a different life. Many more opportunities etc and that’s great.

Simply put house prices have risen very dramatically compared to wages & general inflation. Someone gives of an example upthread of a 9k house rising to 700k over the course of someones lifetime. If you are spending more on housing you have less disposable income.

It effects everyone. Earning more still gives you a more affluent lifestyle than earning less though.

Will you not inherit some of the 700k house?

It's best not to depend on inheritance - money may go on care or general living.

Our parents houses are not worth that much - but anything left will be split three ways and I suspect will be a buger to actually get hold of and even DH and only child they've split it between him and DGC - which does mean if there is something they may get a house deposit.

55 and 64 - is usual UK age of inhertiance most people have bought houses and made pension provisions by then anyway.

Though my DGP remaining estate mostly a pricy house has gone to funding their sons in retirment - my parents pension provion was under or lost when scheme collapsed - so it's keep them going - other DGP had nothing as council house and no savings.

This is a really interesting take - if you’ve managed to move up in the world you’re happy, but it’s the feeling you’ve dropped down a few rungs on the ladder that stings. Expectation hangover.

Yes exactly - much of the private school sector was more St Custards than Eton. The primary focus was the teaching and exam results not costly golf courses, theatres and media centres.

The private school sector over the past 25 years has steadily priced itself out of its traditional market, many going for more overseas students and building expensive luxury extras to justify higher fees. Fees have escalated massively ahead of inflation and wages and some belong to chains owned by hedgefunds - they can be very lucrative. Its not VAT which has caused schools to close as per the near daily sad face stories - in each and every case its long term financial problems chasing a smaller and more upmarket audience.

At this point somebody usually pipes up that the main ongoing cost is teacher salaries except teacher salaries have not increased by a fraction of the level of independent school fees. If an industry makes the choice to price itself out of its traditional market it can expect to lose that market.

I assume this thread is today's edition of "everyone over 50 is a greedy bastard, born in clover, sucking their childrens' bones"?

Entitlement hangover?

The reality is that the material standard of living enjoyed by more recent generations across the board is on an altogether higher plane than that experienced by their counterparts a generation+ back. Every generation deals with the world as it is and some decades are better than others but across a lifetime it is never going to be all good or all bad.

The OP of today's edition of evil oldies is complaining that the immense privilege they enjoyed in childhood and their parents enjoyed has not fully rolled down to them. It might be better if they acknowledged the privilege and advantages they had rather than complaining their current diamond shoes are not twinkly enough.

Hear, hear!

For less well off middle classes maybe. For those who were more affluent, I think it was more about wanting the very best. I had some friends, now elderly, who were firmly in this comfortable middle class category that the OP describes, and money was not the blocker.

They would procure the finest versions of everything for their table, but it was hard to find such quality in the restaurants of rural Norfolk where they lived. The tenderest aged rare breed filet steak, huge amounts of prime fish and seafood, fine wines…all were brought in and served in their home.

Wow that really makes for grim reading. Zero social mobility even after all that. How do you feel about it all now?

Well that's your parents.

My dad was brought up in complete poverty. He got himself 3 jobs a week (paperboy before school, pulling pints in the evening and farm work at the weekend) from age 14 so he could put himself through 6th form including doing night school because the school wasn't really kitted out for many A-levels.
Dm was much better off, but she's got childhood memories like the year when she was given an extra dress and had 6 dresses in her wardrobe (all second hand) rather than the normal 5 and believing she was the richest child in the world because of that.

I'd say for the times I had a fairly comfortable childhood in 70s-90s.

However dad worked often 6 days a week for the overtime money.
I remember the worry as mortgage rates went up above 15% and being told we couldn't have the heating on, or lights only going on when going upstairs for safety, so they could still pay the mortgage.

Dm didn't always work outside the house, however I rarely remember her sitting down because she was always busy. Df used to watch the news over tea when he got home from work - often as late as 8pm and then he'd be up as soon as he'd finished to do something that needed doing.

No washing machine in her first years of marriage - including through having a baby with terry nappies. No tumble drier, everything had to be hung up and more things needed ironing. We had only one school uniform (3 shirts on a good year) so mum had to do a wash at least every other day.

No freezer to keep things so she had to walk into the village to shop most days. No hoover (well, our fridge was a Hoover, which totally confused me!) on wheels. So she had to carry it around to where she wanted to hoover.
Everything cooked from scratch; eating out didn't happen. I ate out with my family once before I was 18yo and that was my grandparents' ruby wedding. Even getting a bought cake was a major treat. Roast on Sunday had to last the next 5 days with the left overs. Never had an ice cream from an ice cream van even.
Holidays was staying on a farm in Wales, and most days we went down to the beach (which I loved) because it was free. Going to something more than 10 miles away (other than visiting relatives) was a major excitement.

She made and mended most of our clothes, and df would have mended anything else. Most things were second hand and had to last. I remember dm putting leather patches on the inside of db's trousers before he wore them to stop them wearing so quickly.
If something broke that was it unless they could mend it. I remember my first watch. I was so proud of it and then the strap broke. Df mended it with superglue, a paperclip and a leather strap off an old bag. That was my watch for another 5 years after that.
Getting someone in to do work was a major issue, and only came after neither parent could mend it.

I hope that now they're older and have a bit of spare money they feel they can spend it and enjoy things.

Now I work full time as well as dh. I get home from work and other than making dinner I normally do what I want. I sit down and read, maybe a book, maybe the internet.
I think I've a much cushier time than they do. I may have less money in retirement, but that will be because I've spent it.