SIL infertility, buying baby things and judgement from DM

[SilHoarderandJudged]

DB and SIL have been struggling with infertility for a number of years. They are now moving onto donor egg ivf after 3 years no success doing ivf themselves, apparently it’s pretty guaranteed to have a result with donor eggs so they are feeling positive.

SIL has started shopping for baby things and seems much happier (a good thing I thought?) after struggling for years I think she feels relief ? She’s been very open about it and has talked about what she has bought and what she is planning to buy.

DM thinks it’s awful and is privately planning an ‘intervention’. I’m trying my hardest to tell her to not involve herself but she is saying SIL is always talking about it so it’s hardly a taboo subject. She has called her deranged and made nasty comments to me about the fact it’s not ethical .
The other issue is that I also have a much younger dsis who isn’t well off and DM is fuming that SIL is buying expensive stuff when Dsis has basics so I said to DM if she’s bothered then she could offer to upgrade Dsis buggy etc rather than criticise SIL for what she is doing ?

I can see the whole situation blowing up right before Xmas at this rate and I can’t get DM to just drop it !!!

Your poor DB and SIL. They've been through hell. On one level I'd understand if DM wanted to intervene about the buying stuff for the sake of protecting them from disappointment. Personally i think they should hold off. But what she is saying is actually awful. She sounds like she really doesn't like SIL and doesn't want happiness for them. I think discreetly talk to DB so he is forewarned, it's all you can do really. It might be worth pointing out to your mother that if they are successful (and I hope they are) they are obviously on a higher income so there is a lifetime of having better things that Dsis and her kids. It won't be just baby stuff. It might be a bigger house, nicer holidays, better education. She'd better get used to that and learn to stop giving opinions because she'll have two lots of GC that might be raised very differently and commenting either way runs the risk of losing those relationships.

Your DM sounds awful. So ok, SIL probably is being very premature is buying baby stuff before even being pregnant.

Also does your DM expect your DB and SIL to financially support your DS or something? Because it’s not really any of your DM’s business what they spend their money on or how much.

Wow! Your mother sounds absolutely awful! Is this her normal behaviour! Please protect your soil from her!

Your mother is going to have a go at her sons wife for buying baby clothes after 3 years of infertility?

Disgusting woman.

A "real" baby??! That's shocking.

Tbh, I'd be really worried about how your mum is going to react to the baby once it's here. Will she treat it differently for the donor egg genes?

Wow, this is something else. Your poor SIL. My relationship with my mum is open enough for me to tell her to knock it on the head and at the very least keep her opinions to herself. I'd also be warning my brother that this is what my mum is saying behind SIL's backs, so he can keep his wife away. Awful, awful behaviour.

Even if it doesn't turn out as she'd hope, it sounds like the SIL could really do with some happiness right now, and it's not a waste of feeling to be happy, even if it's temporary.

Your mum sounds like a cow, I'd be steering well clear of her myself as well as warning them.

I'm genuinely appalled. Your mother is an absolutely despicable bitch.

Does your brother know about any of this? If he does, then perhaps you and he need to corral your mother and together, both of you give her the bollocking of a lifetime. If he doesn't, then please feel free to give her the bollocking yourself.

Is your dad on the scene?

Tbh, I'd be really worried about how your mum is going to react to the baby once it's here. Will she treat it differently for the donor egg genes?

If I was the DB and SIL and the mum said to them even a part of what she's said to OP, the mum would never be allowed anywhere near the baby so it wouldn't be an issue. If I was the DB and SIL I'd be NC before you could say NC.

Is she deliberately being mean? Or is she terrified that things won't be ok, and that this will damage her mental health long term? Sometimes looking at something you've bought for a baby after a stillbirth/miscarriage can be the thing that almost tips you over the edge, so while I would never tell people what they can and can't buy, I might worry silently. I know my own experiences don't mean I could tell anyone else what to do, but maybe she is genuinely trying to help and means well.

Absolutely warn DB so he can head your bonkers mother off at the pass. I can’t get my head around the “not ethical” comments, unless the eggs have been bought from a woman in a country with commercial surrogacy?

Her concerns mostly sound jealous given her focus on DB and SIL buying more expensive things anyway, rather than a genuine moral issue.

Many people don’t like the idea of egg donation because of the impact it can have on the resultant child. There is a reason they have changed the law in this country so that donation can no longer be anonymous. But child has to wait until they are 18 to find out the details of donor. And some people go abroad for treatment to ensure anonymous donation

Thanks for this.

If it's an ethical point, presumably both DB and SIL are comfortable with the donation on that front, so it's not clear why DM is solely calling SIL "deranged" and not her son.

Shopping for a baby at this point is an absolutely terrible idea as there is no guaranteed baby. However, even so, I wouldn’t point it out but would let her crack in if she wants to go down a path of madness in this respect. Your mum needs to keep out of it completely.

Group call your mum and brother. Tell your brother on the call what your mums planning and that she hasn’t listened to a word you’ve said , so hopefully she listens to you or if not that you protect dsil from her.

Could you explain to your mother that your sister does have an actual real baby, whilst your SIL has yearned for one for many years? She’s nesting, and she’s doing no harm to anyone.

Oh, and if she’s so bothered about your sister having substandard baby stuff, she could get involved in another way and help her out.

Just don’t turn into your mother

if she goes ahead with her plan she better be prepared for the fall out

horrible woman

The ethics of 'donated' eggs is worth looking into for anyone thinking this is a neutral act.

IMO the awful woman here is the one buying genetic material from another to fulfil her own desires, but in the MIL's shoes I'd be keeping my thoughts to myself for the sake of my son.

Are donated eggs bought?

Why is the woman doing it awful, but not her husband?

I would warn your DB. How utterly horrible. But he should have a conversation with your DM before anything gets to your SIL

re people saying it’s premature to buy baby things: I think your DB and SIL should do whatever they can to get through this period. They’re allowed to nurture hope, it’s impossible to go through this kind of a process assuming the worst at every turn. Having bought baby things won’t make the emotional blow that much worse if it doesn’t work out

I really hope it works out for them ✨💫🙏🏻

There's a lot of different fertility 'markets' and we don't know which one these people are using but yes, the donor is usually paid or offered a discount on other services they're paying for. The recipient usually pays too. Human eggs are difficult and risky to obtain and like gold dust for desperate infertile women, who'd want to give them away willy nilly?

I take your point about both members of the couple's choices being problematic here but the post was about the MIL/SIL relationship and who is in the wrong.

And what does this have to do with any of you? It makes her happy and positive about the outcome. Let her be. Your mother is awful. I'm so glad I never shared anything with anybody during my 6 failed rounds of IVF. I still kept buying baby things every time! That's really nasty of her.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice Your post specifically called SIL an awful woman, and suggested the mother kept her thoughts to herself for the sake of her son, as if the son was separate from his wife on this process.

Human eggs are difficult and risky to obtain and like gold dust for desperate infertile women, who'd want to give them away willy nilly?

I assume that a donor giving eggs as part of their own treatment, which would then be discounted, would have to have egg retrieval for themselves anyway, so there is no or minimal increased difficulty or risk. I agree it is additional medical risk for a woman who wouldn't otherwise be undertaking egg retrieval.

Your SIL is getting ahead of herself and possibly setting herself up for huge disappointment. No ivf is guaranteed so whoever told her that was wrong.
your mother needs to keep her opinions to herself though.

But SIL will be disappointed if it doesn't work, whether or not she's bought a buggy and a highchair already.