SIL infertility, buying baby things and judgement from DM

[SilHoarderandJudged]

DB and SIL have been struggling with infertility for a number of years. They are now moving onto donor egg ivf after 3 years no success doing ivf themselves, apparently it’s pretty guaranteed to have a result with donor eggs so they are feeling positive.

SIL has started shopping for baby things and seems much happier (a good thing I thought?) after struggling for years I think she feels relief ? She’s been very open about it and has talked about what she has bought and what she is planning to buy.

DM thinks it’s awful and is privately planning an ‘intervention’. I’m trying my hardest to tell her to not involve herself but she is saying SIL is always talking about it so it’s hardly a taboo subject. She has called her deranged and made nasty comments to me about the fact it’s not ethical .
The other issue is that I also have a much younger dsis who isn’t well off and DM is fuming that SIL is buying expensive stuff when Dsis has basics so I said to DM if she’s bothered then she could offer to upgrade Dsis buggy etc rather than criticise SIL for what she is doing ?

I can see the whole situation blowing up right before Xmas at this rate and I can’t get DM to just drop it !!!

Your mother sounds awful

it seems your SIL is being a bit premature, after all there’s plenty of time to buy stuff when she’s pregnant, but nothing your Mum says is going to be helpful.

You said she’s not listening but is it worth a try to say to her that she risks irreparably damaging her relationship with both of them and never seeing her grandchild if she says anything?

She sounds awful op, sorry! Is this in line with her normal behaviour?

You need to take a stand and refuse to listen to any of her nastiness.

Can you speak to your brother?

Yes I’m going to keep trying to tell her to not get involved , she’s being awful
about it and so much jealousy that dsis has ‘less’ or ‘lower quality’ for a ‘real baby’

Your mother is well on her way to being cut off by your db and sil at this rate. Have you told her this? Her attitude is awful.

You'd better warn your brother to keep his wife far away from that nasty woman.

Ah so hard for your DB and SIL - I wonder who has told them they are guaranteed success via this route? Sadly I don’t think that’s true, and it’s obviously very premature to be buying baby things.

However, really not up to your mum to “intervene” as SIL isn’t harming anyone! And it doesn’t sound like she would be approaching it kindly anyway. Not sure what you can do except try to discourage and defuse your mum!

Your mum sounds really nasty
she doesn’t sound like she’ll listen to you
let her blow the relationship up with her son

I agree with your DM, it’s not ethical and it’s really not guaranteed.
However it’s none of her business either, she should try some empathy and doesn’t need to be mean to your SIL.
Also nothing to do with your Dsis financial situation

I think you need to have a quiet word with your brother OP and tell him what your mums been saying/has planned

This, but I can’t think of a way of approaching it that wouldn’t be like throwing a grenade into the midst of them all. It’ll upset him too, but I don’t think you have a choice. Why is your mum planning a fucking intervention?! Terrible woman. I suppose she’s always been inclined to be this way, so maybe this won’t come as a complete shock to your brother and sister in law.

She's guaranteeing herself no future relationship with her son, daughter in law or grandchild.

She wants her son to not experience fatherhood, wants them to give their own earned money to a sister? Why?

People who have been through trauma (and infertility paired with extensive fertility treatment is traumatic) have many coping mechanisms, and this is one where your SIL is channeling things into a positive. Having those items in feels like she's a step closer to being a mum, the only people who will be devastated to not use them is her and your brother. Your mother is adding to their load, it's a keep mouth shut situation.

Your mother sounds vile. An 'intervention'? because someone's doing something that makes her feel happy and optimistic?

Is that true that they are guaranteed to have a result-that doesn’t sound terribly realistic. There are no guarantees with babies!

I would refuse to engage with your mum and tell her why-just walk away if she brings it up again.

The aspect that bothers me most is your SIL’s confidence in the likelihood of success - and so I really hope it all works out as I fear the chances are less favourable than she thinks.
I wouldn’t speak to your brother about the ‘intervention’ plans as this will not happen unless your DM can recruit others to her cause. I would keep being clear with DM that it is not up to her to pass judgement and while she may not agree with the egg donation- it is perfectly legal and has passed ethics committees to be licensed.
As others have said, if DM is so bothered about your younger sister having basic items- DM can help them financially. If she can’t afford to - then her opinion is of no consequence as SIL can spend her money as she chooses.
I would try to warn DM that she is risking her relationship with her son and future GC - but it sounds like she may not listen!

Your mum is awful and you should tell her to stop intervening. However I don’t think it’s healthy for your SIL to be buying baby stuff before she’s pregnant especially as she has a history of infertility. She could be setting herself up for more heartbreak.

Apparently she has been told that over 3 donor egg cycles the success rate is over 90% I googled it and it does appear to be correct but still I suppose even 90% isn’t a guarantee

Your “D”M sounds unhinged. Your DSis has the items she needs. Even if they are cheaper it doesn’t mean her DGC are not provided and cared for.

Like others have said, your DM risks not having a relationship with her DS, DDIL and potential DGC at this rate.

I’d tell your DM that this is coming over as jealousy over what she’s buying and she should have more sympathy with what they’re going through.

SIL may well have a perfectly realistic view of the odds and still want to have a bit of happy optimism in buying baby stuff. If it doesn’t work out, she will be sad whether or not she buys the things.

It's tricky, people do have different opinions on the ethics of different fertility treatments. It sounds like some couples go into whatever fertility treatment with a naive mindset that everyone around them will fall in line and agree with their course of action, this won't always be the case.

Why do you think egg donation isn’t ethical?

I know the study these odds relate too - it assumes tested embryos, and that the mother carrying has no underlying condition causing loss.

If they have bought 3 or more PGT tested embryos, then she may feel confident about the first condition. The second is harder to quantify - is she confident that her failure with IVF thus far was due to embryo quality (or not producing embryos)?

Basically, it is true for some people in her position, but not for many others.

Your DM is cruel, what your SIL is doing isn't hurting anyone!

Sadly even if it’s successful you’re still in the same odds of potentially having a miscarriage, I have personal experience.

Your mother sounds awful, your SIL is going through a terrible time, she may have overly optimistic ideas here but its nobodies business to be making this all even harder for her.

I would talk to your brother about what your mum is up to and tell your mum to keep out of it, her behaviour is awful.

Sadly donor eggs are far from a guaranteed baby and I think shopping before a pregnancy is even confirmed is a bad idea, but I wouldn’t say anything either. MIL will sadly probably be a toxic ‘grandmother’ to any baby they might have