How do you deal with the anxiety taking your DC out as a learner driver?

[swoosher]

I absolutely hate it! The lack of control, having to let him make decisions at busy roundabouts and junctions, I have sweaty hands and a racing heart the whole time until we are safely home! I know he needs to practise and he is actually pretty good, I do hide my fears pretty well but dear God. I was in a bad car crash earlier this year which hasn’t helped, I was a passenger and very lucky to walk away with minor injuries. Tell me your coping mechanisms everyone. Please!

Just come out the other side of this - so glad they've all finally passed.

My DH said it would either kill him or them, so it was down to me.

They didn't understand that I could not let them do the same things as their driving instructor - because I didn't have dual control, so they had to do quieter roads/ lower level skills with me, because I could not stop them if they screwed up.

It's like all unpleasant tasks - you tell yourself 'it has to be done', take multiple deep breaths and get on with it.

I'm not a drinker but with one of them I definitely needed something after our (late evening) practices - my heart rate would be insane.

It's worse than potty training.

Thank you so much for all the lovely supportive replies. Really helpful to know it’s not just me!
He has had quite a few lessons with an instructor so he knows the basics and now we need to build up his confidence and experience so he is test ready. Test is end of October but may try and bring it forwards if he is ready. Although my husband is willing and able to take him out (and much calmer than me!) he works away a lot so it falls to me to do the majority of it.
Anyway I gave myself a good talking to today and we went out for a 45 minute drive, he coped really well with lots of different challenges including a broken down lorry on our side of the road in busy traffic on a hill! My palms and armpits were so sweaty by the time we got back and my brake foot was sore from pressing my imaginary brake 😂 but we did it and I feel better about the next time now.
By the way I really like the idea of L plates on the side doors too, I am going to order some more.
Thanks again and good luck everyone else going through this trauma!

I was thinking along the lines of having around 30 hours of lessons and THEN having a lot of time in the car with a parent getting experience- not rushing through it all. For reference, I didn’t pass my driving test until I was 32 and had 60 hours of lessons and a week long intensive driving course (!) I know how difficult it can be and it really was the weeks long full time course that pushed me towards being ready, as well as some general driving about with my Mum. I agree that too many new drivers aren’t experienced enough.

I can't do it! I'm an awful passenger, and I think my anxiety would make them worse.
Thankfully DH has nerves of steel!!

It’s the closest DS and I have ever come to an argument! We get on like a house on fire and did so even when he was a teenager but taking him driving out quite the strain on our otherwise harmonious relationship. He’s the most optimistic person I know and that extended to the size of gaps he felt our little car would fit through 😬.

Thankfully DD was much more cautious and therefore less stressful to accompany which was good news because our relationship was more delicate in the teenage years.

So glad that’s all done with!

We made an agreement that what is said in the car stays in the car, any swearing etc is not personal (from either of us). I used to say "Remember I am not a professional driving instructor" if I couldn't describe what I meant very well or if I squealed. He is dyspraxic and needed a HUGE amount of practice sessions and it has been one of the hardest parenting things I've done, not just the nerves but the amount of time, several nights a week for months and months.

Huge sympathies. It's horrible.
I think it helps, as others have said to see it as an investment for the time once they have passed and are out on their own. I thought if I hadn't been in the car with them cos i was too scard itnwould be horrific once they were out on their own. And to be (fairly) open about your nerves etc.
First kid had a couple of lessons and then her instructor stopped and we couldn't find another so we taught her ourselves and she did the test in our car. She failed her first test and the examiner said to us afterwards that in terms of preparation it was really important to really face the things we worried about (in our case, lots of parallel parking practice!). As another poster upthread said, it definitely produced some real flash points in an otherwise easy relationship.
Second kid had an instructor from the start - we practised based on his lessons. So, so much easier.
It is just a hard thing, I think. And must be all the more so following your experience with the crash.

Yes, the payback is so worth it. DS, DH and I live in a small town fairly rurally and we each work 10 or so miles in neighbouring towns in different directions. Not having to drive DS to work any more has made a huge difference and recently DH has been unable to drive following an injury so DS and I have been able to share taxiing him to and from work, it has been a lifeline. He has also taken DD back to uni because I was away and DH couldn’t.

I never took either of my 2 out in my own car. Driving instructor every time!

When I was learning I only had professional lessons my parents didn’t take me out - they were of the opinion that the instructors have dual controls for a reason and I agree with this.

I've told my husband it's his job. I'd cause issues. I drove my mum somewhere once quite recently and ended up telling her off. She was an awful passenger

@swoosher
Its terrifying isn't it.

I taught DD, DSS and DNephew to drive but we're lucky we have a driving center near us with roads, roundabouts, junctions, long stretches where you can put your foot down, fantastic place for getting a learner to practice.

Im currently teaching youngest DNeice, unfortunately she becomes deaf as soon as she gets behind the wheel, I've lost count of the times I've screamed BRAKE, BRAKE, BRAKE!

She just smiles and says something along the lines of "I'm getting the hang of it, aren't I" or "I'm doing really well" 🤷‍♀️ while I'm sweating and shaking!

I take my hat off to anyone who teaches a young person to drive, it tests your mettle, you need a steady nerve!

My mother did her advanced driving when I was about 16, in preparation, to help her nerves - but it also helped as, as she was practising talking through all the journeys (and as we lived rurally, there were lots of journeys to swimming club etc.) She would be talking about all the potential hazards ahead, and it got us into the habit of looking for them, too.

Oh god. We have this to come this year 🙈🙈🙈

When mine were learning DH had a company vehicle they couldn’t be insured on and I couldn’t drive so it would have meant buying car and insuring it just for practicing as well as paying for lessons.

DH did 90% of it with DD. My only tips are have a second rear view mirror, of course, but also get those little curved secondary mirrors that stick to the wing mirrors. We found them so helpful for judging how close to the verge she was on small country roads from the passenger seat. They reassured me that we weren't permanently on the point of driving into the hedges. They are still on my car, now positioned to help the driver see the white lines when reversing into spaces.

Huge respect to you for doing it, especially after your crash. I can't take claim this myself but it's one of the most powerful things DH has done as a parent. DD was very aware that most of her friends did not have that much support, and I think it meant a lot to her.

@EBearhug that was thoughtful and clever of your mum.

I couldn’t do it. 🤣

I think it was because we lived out of town that she knew how important it was. We had no option of public transport.

My father (who was a school governor) had a disagreement with the head teacher, because the head wanted to stop 6th formers using frees for driving lessons. My father argued that with a large rural catchment, learning to drive would be at least as important as academic qualifications in being able to find work for many of the s hool leavers.

I did it for all 3 of my dc & loved it whereas my dh couldn’t do it as it stressed him & them out.
I waited for them to have a couple of lessons with their instructor before taking them on the road, but then we’d go out frequently. We do live in a small town surrounded by countryside so were able to practice on quiet roads.
Like many others have said, I described what was coming up & asked them what they thought they needed to do. To begin with I did use the imaginary brake & the handbrake on occasion when doing hill starts.
I think by staying (outwardly relatively) calm myself, this helped them stay calm. By the time they took their test I had ensured that they had experienced as many different road & weather situations as I could as I knew that once passed they would be completely on their own.
Enjoy this precious time & I hope you make wonderful memories!

So grateful for everyone’s comments! Definitely agree with looking forward to the benefits! I am ready to stop being a taxi, I take DS College as its 20 minutes in the car and about an hour on the bus, which I have been happy to do but I must say it will be lovely when he is able to drive himself! Although I will almost certainly trade that for worrying about him getting there and back safely. Hats off to all who are doing / have done this, and absolutely no judgement from me for those who cannot! I guess it’s one of the ways we help them move towards independence as an almost adult.

My Mum couldn't handle taking my brother and i out. My Dad was ok, but my husband was the best. I can help though, I never passed my test and I prefer being a passenger.

You absolutely don’t. It is so so unfair. My XH simply cannot cope so guess what- he isn’t allowed to dump that on the kids.

Sympathies OP lol. It’s hair-raising but so important. I’m glad both of mine have passed now. Both had about 40 hours of lessons and about the same from me taking them out. The inside of my lips were bitten to bits during those periods !!

By not doing it. I'd rather pay for extra lessons.