How do you deal with the anxiety taking your DC out as a learner driver?

[swoosher]

I absolutely hate it! The lack of control, having to let him make decisions at busy roundabouts and junctions, I have sweaty hands and a racing heart the whole time until we are safely home! I know he needs to practise and he is actually pretty good, I do hide my fears pretty well but dear God. I was in a bad car crash earlier this year which hasn’t helped, I was a passenger and very lucky to walk away with minor injuries. Tell me your coping mechanisms everyone. Please!

I’m not a good passenger so I never took mine out. Do you have to?

I have taken mine out twice and it is awful. Try to go to quiet roads but I know he needs a wider experience. I have just tried to keep it shortish, maybe 30-40 mins at a time.

How long has he been learning? I’ve taken 2 of my 3 out to practice but left the initial learning to their instructor. I agree it is frightening, but I think I just pushed through. It helped me to talk through what they were doing, “so we’re approaching the roundabout, you need to be looking to your right, change down a gear, start to brake”, etc. you’re talking through what you would do and it gives them something to follow. They are at an age where you should be able to express your worries, and have them understand you are willing to take them out to practice despite your fears.

Only go to quiet roads and quiet times (7am Saturday if you're doing a big ring road etc) until they've had quite a few weeks of proper lessons.

I wouldn’t go out with them until they’re nearly test ready. It’s not safe otherwise as you don’t have the dual controls that a test car does.

And concentrate on the plus side: “he’s actually pretty good” and you get home safely each time. I’ve found that you end up with a good understanding of the type of driver they are which helps when they’ve passed and they’re going out on their own.

In the future I will also put L plates on the doors as well as front and back. So other drivers are absolutely aware that the person next to them might do the odd questionable manoeuvre.

Let the instructor take them

That’s fine if you/your child can afford the lessons but a lot can’t and rely on family helping them practice.

my basic premise woulld lbe you have to build up their skills alongside your tolerance. So you start in the hilarious quiet road or car park or whatever it is, then slowly build up so that as he gets more confident, so do you.

You say he's already pretty good so perhaps you've already done that or he learnt with an instructor first, but then you really just have to remind yourself of the fact that he IS pretty good.

@Sparrowsandbudgies I'm afraid I think it's this mindset that is the reason there are so many terrible drivers out there. You can't be a competent driver if you've only done your 10-30 hours of instruction with an instructor and then suddenly you have to drive in all conditions at all times. Absolutely do not set them on an A road on lesson 2, but it's crucial they get as much practice as possible, with a competent driver next to them who can help them keep an eye out for issues, warn them when they're making mistakes etc.

I have now had two children pass driving tests and absolutely hate being a sitting duck in the passenger seat whilst they practice.

However!! I would say it is so important to them driving confidently the extra practice is between lessons. I would not take them out until they are doing well with an instructor, probably at least three months of weekly lessons.

Go out early on a Sunday to start with, it will be much quieter and will help both of you build confidence. It was the only way I dared driving in our local city where the test centre is.

With my second daughter eventually I absolutely treasured our Sunday mornings together, although we still talk about the time when I totally lost my sanity when she merrily sailed through a red light and we both drove home in silence with her crying.

I didn't let mine make decisions in the early days! I would watch like a hawk and they would check with me before pulling out. As skills improved, they gradually made more independent decisions.

Absolutely this!

I miss our Sunday morning driving time. 3 hours of being together at an age where they don’t usually go out of their way to be in your company.

I would also add that however scary being a passenger with a learner is, it is far far scarier watching them drive off on their own having passed their test.

Knowing that they are doing that after you have spent many hours sat next to them building their confidence and helping them deal with inevitable tricky spots that crop up puts you both in a much more confident and safer position when they are out on the roads without you.

Consider it a favour to your future self and your peace of mind that they are perfectly capable of keeping themselves and other road users safe, as watching them drive off in a car by themselves for the first time is a real test of mettle as a parent.

I think my dad lost a bet with my mum as somehow she never came out with me when I was learning! I did leave it until I'd had a couple of lessons before asking to go and practice. We lived out in the country so there was no shortage of quiet roads, but when we went into town he'd drive in and I'd drive back.

Dad pretty much just got on with it, but he did grab the steering wheel a couple of times when I started to veer left when changing gear and hadn't got the hang of keeping the car straight yet! I think the only time he panicked slightly was when I came out of a junction, turned the wheel too far left and put the car in a hedge....I found this hilarious, Dad less so!

He did tell me once I'd passed that I'd only learned how to make it go and not how to drive. It wasn't until many years later that I knew what he meant.

I agree with describing actions as you go along, it helped calm me down in the passenger seat. Actually both of us, me and the learner, would do it, hard to lose the habit after they've passed! So a running commentary of possible problems, likely actions etc.

How much extra have you paid for insurance? I said I would just pay for extra lessons if needed and the extra for insurance was so high it was another 10 or so lessons.

I went once, never again (my problem with anxiety, not his driving) and my husband did it after that. Didn't want to make my son feel more nervous than he was already.

It was bloody nerve wracking and I can’t say I remotely enjoyed the experience. He passed 6 months ago now and I do feel safe now but by god we had some hair raising journeys as a learner !

I only took mine out for the extra driving practice just before their tests and I too hated it. Sorry I don’t have any coping skills but I talked through my anxiety and gripped the seat probably too tight 😂

I liked taking my dd out, it was a bit stressful at times but it also felt like a nice thing to do together. It’s also good to teach them how to drive safely which hopefully will stand them in good stead.

I’m an instructor who has also taught their son, so can see it from both angles.

Parents who help with practice are really useful, so pat yourself on the back for that, you’ll be helping your son progress and solidify his skills. It does get easier the more you do.

If you see a situation up ahead that needs dealing with, providing there’s time ask him what he’s going to do. If you instruct him you may get the ‘I was going to do that, do you think I’m stupid’ response.

Try to work with the instructor, I love it when a parent wants to work alongside me, it means that the areas covered in the lesson can be really consolidated during practice. And give feedback to your instructor about how they’ve done with you, it means anything you’ve found can be worked on during the lesson.

The great thing is that each time you take him out he’ll be better, and you’ll be less scared. I now prefer being driven by my son than my husband!

I’m currently 4 weeks into teaching DS2 - we started on my dad’s paddock doing the basics- steering controls etc. Then progressed to empty country lanes and now he’s driving on the main roads and light traffic. The first couple of weeks were awful 🤣 I do a running commentary- “roundabout up ahead - what are you going to do?” “There’s a cyclist - how are you planning on dealing with that?” I wanted him to be comfortable with the mechanics of it before lessons- we practice parking in the empty park and ride car park and do the same routes so that he can get confidence driving those. I also think that taking him out every day has helped and telling him that he also needs to drive for other people! God knows how driving instructors put up with other drivers tailgating or doing stupid things!

You have my sympathy. I found it was one of the worst parts of parenting. (Realise I’m pretty lucky to be able to say that!)

You've just got to silently grip the seat and push your feet like crazy on the non existent brake. I admire anyone who stays totally calm and not shouted slow down SLOW DOWN, BREAK!!!! When approaching the lights😮‍💨🫣