Joined local hobby group

[ShinyBadger]

I live in a very rural area where there are not many things to do, I have always had a certain hobby/passion which I have had since childhood. My SIL has the same hobby and lives in the same village, about 3 years ago I said i was thinking of joining a group(part of a large national group) in our neighbouring village area, the next week she had joined kept alluding she was going and never actually went.
I carried on with the hobby but didn't join the club as she had and I didn't want to go with her.
As it has been 3 years and she never went and didn't renew her membership after the first year I thought I would join as it was safe to say she wasn't going to go, so I have paid my £150 year membership and thought finally I can enjoy it and she won't go or be there.

Somehow she has found out, I never told her, since joining she has been more unbearable then normal, we don't get on, I'm always civil to her but quite honestly she is an unhinged narcissist, unfortunately I end up having to see her daily at change over as both of us are careers for my younger brother who is non verbal and bed bound.

she seems to "know" everyone there, gave me a full update on what was happening in the club and kept name dropping random people who were at one of the events I attended - I checked the list (as they send out details of the attendance for the groups). She dropped in that the group were taking about the event I attended (she didn't ) I checked the list and she is not in the official group so must have a side group with a few people who were there.

I do a mixture of grey rocking, say the least possible things to her and keep it very neutral but she really does grate on me. I just wanted to enjoy a lifelong passion/hobby that I am actually good at without her, this is a final straw job as she seem to just know everything I have been doing and what I have been upto. It almost feels like she has a camera/or listening device as she always drops hints that she knows what I have done or where I have been or what I have said and is exhausting!

Anyone been through similar or have any advice? And I can't tell her to just do one as much as I would like too!

That’s terrible… Why are you letting an ‘unhinged narcissist’ care for YOUR brother who is ‘non verbal and bed bound’?

You must feel stuck sharing the care of your younger brother. Is there anyway that you can extricate yourself from this arrangement? It really doesn’t sound like a healthy position to be in

Unfortunately she is great at acting, and extremely intent and good at playing the game, she is kind and caring, the model wife to my other brother and selfless for helping and taking on caring for him. I don't believe she would ever hurt him and if I did or she showed that I will immediately speak up.

But She hates me - I don't care that's she hates me, I don't like her, I can see straight through her and her mask had slipped a few times in front of others.

Sadly my mum died which has left my dad and my brother to care for. Unfortunately dad can't care for my bother as he isn't well
enough,
We all take it in turns on a shift basis, the care is exhausting and it's been going on for years deep down I was hoping that neither would still be here and it would have been easy then to move away and start fresh miles away, unfortunately that's not possible currently - I have a long term plan for when this happens, just need to get though this as it's currently driving me mad, I am normally pretty good at not letting her get to me, but this has really annoyed me!

It does sound like you AND your SIL are in a very difficult situation. You’re exhausted caring for your family members; she is probably exhausted having stepped up and helped to care for her in-law’s family members.

If she is just ‘acting’ like a kind person or playing a game, then sharing the care of your non verbal brother for ‘years’ is a big commitment to the pretence isn’t it. What do you think the act is for?

Isnt it a more likely she loves your brother deeply and that’s why she cares for his younger brother. Maybe whatever you mean by the ‘mask slipping’ is exhaustion.

Is your brother also doing his share of the care for your brother and father? Or his ‘narcissist’ wife doing all his share of the work of caring for his family?

Maybe she is trying to connect with you through your shared hobby, even if it’s a bit clumsy.

I feel really sorry for your SIL, who is doing a great deal to care for your loved ones however she feels about you and however you feel about her.