Concerns about dn

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My niece is 6 , and she is overweight. So much so that I was shocked when I saw her last. My sister tells me that she is wearing school shirts in size boys 15 and that her school emblem jumpers are not made in her current size.

I have spoken to my sister gently about it , asked about activity , diet etc , but she is in denial. She simply says that dn is tall and that's why she needs bigger sizes. The reality is that this little girl has a chubby face and a big tummy and her school shirts cling to her tummy but are so long that they go down to her knees. She is tall for her age though , that is true.

I'm worried about dn but my sister brushes off my concerns and changes the subject when I talk to her. I even mentioned that we have to watch our autistic daughter's diet because she will keep eating until she is sick if there are delicious things around her , my sister said nothing then started talking about something else.

To add some background , dn is being assessed for adhd and her parents , my sister and bil are older parents that struggle to take her out to activities. We live quite for apart so I only see them all 3 times a year. Both sis and bil are also overweight.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this sensitive situation carefully. Dn needs help , they need support. I'm torn between minding my own business and doing something drastic like contacting early help. As said above , I have tried the gentle approach which didn't work.

I mean, how old can they be that they are struggling to get out of the house to do things with her?! I’m 46 with incurable cancer and multiple chronic illnesses. I take my kids out to do lots of things and between them they do about 15 hours of sports a week. I only have to drive and sit there! Unless they are both in their 70s being an older parent is not an excuse for over feeding your child and not taking them on days out.

Realistically, I don’t think there is anything much you can do. They are aware she is overweight and unhealthy. They will have heard it from the school and from the GP. This is clearly a choice. Mine eat like they have hollow legs and are not overweight. To get a 6 year old to that degree of obesity, they are going to be needing to feed her a ridiculous amount of food. It doesn’t sound like they are oblivious in any way unfortunately. You could start making offers to her to come and do things with you that are active and model healthy eating (she can have lunch with your family). But it’s not going to change what’s going on at home unfortunately.

They are both in poor health and bil was in his 50s when dn was born. I understand that this will be a factor when it comes to their capabilities as parents. Yes , the school weight/height check confirmed that dn is too heavy however sis and bil refused any further discussion because they felt that it was unnecessary interference.

If I do contact early help she will probably know it was me because I mentioned that they helped us set up respite for our daughter recently. Then our relationship will be finished.

That is sad.
Have you seen what her diet is like?

I only see her 2/3 times each year so I've not seen what her daily diet is like. My sister says that she is always asking for chocolate cake and biscuits though , and that she doesn't like school lunches. If she's given fruit she plays with it but doesn't eat it.

It is really sad. She's a smart ,observant kid with so much to say but has become quieter lately and my sister thinks it's because her peers are saying mean things to her at school. Reading between the lines I think some of the comments are to do with her appearance.

If your DN was really under nourished and skeletal, you’d act. This is no different in my eyes and is child abuse.

@somanychristmaslights you're absolutely correct.

If your ds and bil won't engage there isn't a lot you can do without risking damaging your relationship with them.

If you have serious concern the contact the dsl at her school, if they have have raised concerns with your ds already and met resistance they will already have a watchful eye on dn.

I’d be shocked if the school haven’t already raised concerns. I’d contact the school and speak to them.

I think it might have to be early help or social services. Dn's school are not fantastic with the SEN/pastoral support according to my sister.

Does she have afrid? What would happen if they refused to give her shit food?

@CrazyCatLady2026 that's a very good question. My daughter does and has around 5/6 safe foods which change rapidly. She will not eat unless there are some chicken dippers or grapes available at dinner time.

For my niece, however , I simply don't know. One of the issues has been denial from her parents. I've suspected since she was 2 ish that she is also autistic , but her parents seem to think that because she's verbal and not non speaking like my child that she can't also be autistic. They got her adhd diagnosis but are closed off to other possibilities. Bil is particularly insistent that his child can't be autistic which closes a lot of doors.

With all kindness OP, I don't think there is much you can do. You can try being honest with your sister rather than dropping hints, but she may take it as interfering and it will impact on your relationship.

Iwouldnt go down the autism route with them
I also have a severley autistic child but you would need to tread very carefully with it
My son is in a special school so he gets weighed quite often
But i seem to remember my oldest son in mainsteam getting weighed reception and year six and parents were given advice if their was overweight does this still happen.?

Sounds like they know she’s overweight and they’re ashamed and putting their heads in the sand. They won’t listen to you as they’ll see any discussion as criticism.

There’s nothing you can do that they won’t see as an attack.

I understand your worry. But I’m not sure ss would do much beyond initial discussions with family, heath and school, and advice given, if there are no other safeguarding issues. Is that worth destroying the relationship over?

I wonder if you’d try being more direct. Saying ‘I’ve tried to approach this gently but I’m really worried and can we please talk about it’ kinda thing. ADHD as you will know will mean DN has trouble controlling her impulses to eat, so adults will have to help her with that. I’d try spelling that out to my sister and explore why she’s not managing to do this, before reporting her to the authorities.

My niece was weighed in reception and her parents were told that she was overweight. She's gained a lot in the last year or so also.

To be completely honest I don't think she is being parented well , what's held me back from being direct is that fact that having a SEN kid is bloody hard , so I've been trying to keep an open mind. They seem to want to change her into somebody she isn't rather than supporting the child that she is. At family gatherings she's expected to sit in a room for hours when she's struggling to keep still , they're then openly upset with her when she 'misbehaves' due to unrealistic expectations. I've said gently to them that she needs to move to stay regulated and suggested the garden or the park but that's often rejected. Lots of us take turns in playing hide and seek etc with dn but she really wants to be outside climbing or running.

I feel that their denial that dn has additional needs beyond adhd is harming her.