Feeling a bit lost at 57 and unsure where I fit

[50sTailSpin]

I am 57 and feeling dislodged and a bit lost.

The good stuff - I am very lucky in that I am very fit, healthy (touch wood), happy with my age, looks, have a lot of energy and despite a rocky perimenopause (Mirena coil fixed this) I have not needed HRT as I have not had that many symptoms.

I had a bit of a nightmare stressful past year with a sick and dying elderly relatives, and a health scare of my own (turned out to be nothing) but I have a happy and fun home life with my DH and my DC.

However, in the past few months I just feel lost. I feel like at 57 I don't know where I am supposed to fit in? Contributing to this fact is that where I work they have made it plainly clear that they only want to hire young people (18-25), mostly grads who cannot find jobs or taking a year out, and they don't want us "oldies" there anymore. This is despite having the best sickness track record and a very strong work ethic. I actually feel "pushed out". Then there are my DC going to Uni and flying the nest, friends moving away and if I put it in a nutshell I just don't know where I fit in anymore.

I am too young to retire, too old to take on a new career, and I still need to earn money for the next 5 years. I am feeling anxious and a bit alone TBH.

At 57 I am a big girl, a grown ass woman (as someone recently told me) and I should know which way is up. In a way I wish I was of retirement age, at least you know what your category is IYSWIM.

I feel like I was tootling along nicely, quite happy with my lot, and it is other people deciding that I am over the hill.

Anyone else feel like this? I just feel like I need a road map for the next 5 years.

It sounds like you need a challenge?! What sort of work do you do? Could you change role within your employer? Or take on a new role, for example as a trade union rep or as part of a forum or other working group?

Would you be interested in studying yourself?

I get this. I'm 54 and right in the middle of a nasty menopause which is making me feel totally horrendous! I can't take HRT and the thought of another 13 or more years of work is so mind blowingly depressing. I've never been able to find a fulfilling job and the fact it's such low pay makes it feel pointless. My DC is only young so that keeps me going. But I do so dread the day he leaves home as I'll be left with DH. So I'm afraid I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I get you!

Oh I completely get it. Retired just a few months ago, but ever since my 50s my boss just sidelined me - and my fellow "old lags" - in favour of bright young things. He once suggested I take on board a whole new area of work, I replied "what training would I get?" & he curled his lip & said "do you know how OLD that makes you sound?" Managers LOVE young graduates who train themselves off of YouTube videos. Except, of course, they don't really, because there's no substitute for experience. But if management don't care about that, you're screwed as an older employee. You're one thing only to your boss: expensive.

I survived - just - by flying under the radar & setting myself assignments to fulfil, it kept my mojo alive for a while. But eventually, post-pandemic, my mojo exited stage left & I became a Quiet Quitter until redundancy rescued me. OP, you have my every sympathy.

You need a new job. I got made redundant at 54 and ended up with a new job shortly afterwards, in an organisation which values the experience that older people bring. Having said that, I'm coming up to 57 and about to retire. But only because I can, not because of the job.

I find our young career changers and newly qualified professionals need significantly more hand holding and active training than career changers over 40, and the younger ones are more likely to expect to shadow before trying anything themselves... admittedly it's not a job you could train yourself to do on YouTube. Doesn't mean the younger ones aren't good, but they don't train themselves by any stretch.

I guess it depends what the job is!

Could you mentor? Move sideways (New employer, similar job - doesn't have to be brand a new career, maybe a slightly different context for familiar work)?

I hear you, I'm mid fifties the last 2-3 years has been taken up with aged parents and the aftermath of their death then I looked up and realised that my teens don't need me anymore.

My job is due to finish when I'm 57 and I'm trying to work out what life will be then.

Some positive things that this situation has prompted me to do; I've reconnected with friends from university and extended family, I've looked at smaller/part-time jobs I might be interested in and I have restarted some hobbies that fell by the wayside.

No real advice, but I wanted to send solidarity and let you know you're not alone.

Oh, I agree. The YouTubers, to be fair to them, generally ARE very bright and know that watching videos/googling stuff isn't enough, even in a tech job like mine. So what do they do? They ask a lot of questions of the old lags. But they also make a lot of mistakes. This was always my point to the management: you're letting them learn in the worst way possible, which is Learn By Fuck-up. And they all have to fall down each pitfall individually, so when you add it up, there are hundreds of errors. That's EXACTLY what training/mentoring would prevent, or at least minimise. But no; the bosses saw training simply as a cost, not a benefit. And ofc the bright young things are brimming with confidence so when they get thrown in the deep end they say, Thanks, boss! I'll be fine! So what actually happens is a messy process of in-the-moment hand-holding & very unstructured advice, because us oldies can't just stand by and watch them foul up. But management can, because they isolate themselves.

OP, you say work is "contributing" to your feelings, but given your home life sounds good, it sounds like it's mainly your work situation that's making you feel so crap. Could you change jobs, or would that mess up a pension? Assuming you're stuck there, I can only offer my own solutions, which were:

a) Self-managing: if management have low expectations of you/are ignoring you, take charge of yourself. I ran informal training workshops at lunchtimes; looking back they were one of the best things I ever did at work. I also set myself the sort of tasks I wished management would. I stopped waiting for permission & just went ahead with projects I knew I could complete by myself; it really gave me a boost for a few years.

b) Quiet quitting. Once my enthusiasm for option a) ran out, I found myself taking a very minimalist attitude to my job. It was blimmin' amazing how little I could do and still get by - after all, management were ignoring me so I just took advantage. One day I read a newspaper article about quiet quitters & went, omg that's me! I don't think it's a long-term option; I see it now as sort of palliative care for my dying job. It wasn't as fun as "self managing" and, frankly, it was a complete u-turn on my previous work ethic, which was very strong. It was depressing at times tbh, and I couldn't have kept it up much longer. I wish now I'd been able to use the time I freed up from work more constructively, but hey. I read a lot of books!