How can I support my nine-year-old with escalating friendship difficulties?

[Clarapatty]

Sorry this might be a long post.

My DD (almost 9 yo) is ND but no diagnosis yet. We only started seeing signs when she was about to turn 5. She had a typical development, very verbal, social, loved her nurseries, fast learner.

We moved her to an independent school half way through Reception as I didn’t like the way her behaviour changed since starting school. She’s in a class of 20 girls and doing very well academically, very involved in different leadership roles and she loves her school in general.

The school have expressed some concerns about her since Y1 (very literal, very black and white, not understanding subtle social cues and used to play alone a lot, couldn’t quite make close friends). In Y1 she was also very badly bullied by a girl who was briefly her friend. She didn’t share that until it got out of control. That girl left the school at the end of that year and the school did deal with the issue at the time.

Fast forward a few years (she’s Y4 now) , her social struggles are more and more obvious. Last year she did make 2 friends (2 new girls in her class) and these girls loved her for a while, used to fight who gets to play with her. After this summer, things are changing, the girls have grown up a bit and they are slowly backing away from her. From my observations, she is ‘too much’ iykwim, and the girls find her suffocating. She hugs and squeezes them ALL the time. She makes the same jokes they used to make a year ago, she’s very hyper and talks and jumps non stop. I think they’ve had enough.

Last Sunday I asked one of her friends to come over for a play date and all DD wanted to do was to scream, jump, laugh and ‘go crazy’. Her friend came over to me to say very calmly that, she doesn’t know why, but Tilly (not her really name) is going bonkers. Then when her friend was leaving, DD wouldn’t let go of her, again squeezing, pulling her etc.

On Monday she went back to school and neither of her friends wanted to play with her and she alone again. She’s also saying they are sometimes rude to her too.

I’ve had to explain gently that she needs to give her friends a bit of space or leave them alone for a while, however she starts screaming and shouting at me and would not take anything on board. She’s lately having some violent meltdown, something we’ve never experienced before. She was never a tantrumy child.

I feel like I’m going to have a mental breakdown as these issues are not stop. Every day there is some sort of drama, she constantly argues and also hits us. Also she won’t sleep on her own, I have to stay with her in bed until she’s been asleep for 30 mins so I don’t have much of an evening for myself.

If anyone has any advice or can relate to this please advise, I don’t know where to turn to. NHS have refused to even put her on a waiting list for assessment as she’s coping with school and life apparently.

I’d seek a sensory OT assessment. Not all OTs are qualified to assess. There may be long NHS waiting lists.

Look at personal space/ space invaders resources online.

A circles of proximity visual will help. You can make this yourselves. You need coloured paper and concentric circles. You might find visuals online try Twinkl.

Centre is green ( or a favourite positive colour) in this circle are parents, siblings put names in the circle. Green means OK to sit close, hug, kiss

Next colour ring yellow or orange. Maybe grandparents aunts uncles etc hugs, kisses etc with permission

Blue teachers, friends, people in class, cousins etc. No hugs, no kissing, no touching hair etc. Use social space
Can play, chat etc

Outer ring usually red
strangers emergency workers Doctors etc no touching or hugging. Don’t go off with anyone etc

You can work out colours and statements to apply
In time the colours can be used as prompts red person etc.

I’d make an appointment with the SENCO to discuss social interaction concerns. SALT can also look at this.

At her age she may becoming aware that she is “different” in some way and this will cause her stress and anxiety.
Look on your LA SEN local offer for the ASD pathway and any local support groups or resources.

Read Martian in the Playground, Clare Sainsbury
and M is for Autism.

Thank you x

Would play therapy be an option? It sounds like she has difficulty expressing how she’s feeling and it can be a great outlet. Not an overnight fix but if you can find the right person it could really help.

the meltdowns and anger suddenly appearing sound about right for a child who has been keeping it in and just can’t manage any more. It is very very hard, but equally it must be so hard for her. Understanding why what was funny and made her popular last year suddenly isn’t working, having close friendships she didn’t have before start to fade away. I think if you’re able to pay for some private support like play therapy/OT that could help. I wonder if some of the hugging etc etc is linked to sensory seeking?

Thank you for your replies, that’s very helpful.

Her argument is that these girls are hugging her as well which is true to a certain extent, but they’d only hug once or twice, when they meet and when they leave. DD is non-stop, every 2 mins she’s squeezing someone. I’m sure it’s sensory seeking.

(She used to do it with me up until last year I think, but I found that really hard to take it as she’d squeeze me so hard, it hurt. She’s a tall and strong girl).

Yes, I do think she’s realising she’s different. She’s saying she can’t really make friends in her class as they are all ‘weird’. We did speak to the school Senco last year and they’ve given her some support with literal and black and white thinking but I don’t think it made any difference. The school she’s going to isn’t particularly ASD friendly. I think also she’s very young in her behaviour and approach. Everyone seems to be growing up and she’s in many ways still toddler-ish.

I’ll look into play therapy, thank you.

Keep her away from social media for as long as you can, so she gets to come home and have a break from friendship issues. WhatsApp groups being the worst, there’s nothing worse than playground drama carrying on at home, being removed from groups, being made to come off groups (by me), then getting added back in. Admittedly DD was a few years older, but felt like there was no break, no weekend for drama to blow over or school holidays.

Oh no, she isn’t on sm at all. That would be terrible. I’m not allowing her to even use the school messaging media to email her school mates as that’s a downhill spiral.

Re assessment, have you looked at Right to Choose? You would just need a GP referral and school to write something about their observations, in our case the GP was happy to go off family and school opinions.

I’ve just found out about this recently, I’ll look into it. Was there a waiting list?

Op I’ll be quite honest here. My 11yo has had this in their friendship group of 4. Your dd sounds exactly like one of the kids. And the other 3 including mine have had enough. It has been an entire summer of 3 of them getting together just without the 4th.

This child is exactly as you describe right down to the squeezing, screaming noises and jumping up and down. They are also just downright rude. And the parents have turned a blind eye to this - both are doctors too!!!

My dc group are a good bunch of kids, have tolerated quite a lot and I think they have had enough. also they are all growing up and this child is just stuck at immature behaviour. They don’t turn them away at school, but anything out of school they just don’t want to have them around. Even myself, I can’t handle this child and after one hour I just want them to be picked up.

you really must seek out help for your child. if you say the school they are moving to isn’t supportive of Sen, then find another one.
A school that isn’t supportive, won’t have kids who are too. Your dd is still young and if you get her in the right setting with support she will find her way.

I appreciate sharing your experience.

To be fair all these 3 girls (including DD) were last year a little jumpy and screamy and a bit immature, so I thought she’s finally found her tribe. These girls for instance wanted to watch Minions a few months ago which DD found so boring and silly, whereas the other 2 girls found it very funny. DD would rather watch something more grown up. All girls have some ND traits and some struggles. This summer though they seem to have grown up a bit, which DD probably struggles to understand.

Of course, I’m looking for help and I’m constantly reminding her of appropriate behaviour.