How can my daughter support her boyfriend with decreasing MH (TW)

[Everythingwillbeoktomorrow]

NC for this but been here for years.

DD 17 is in a relationship with a really lovely boy, polite, funny, kind, very academic, sporty and just a general nice person.

His family also seem lovely and very successful in their fields, however I know from speaking to DD there is a lot of pressure to succeed put on BF and his sibling.

DD came home from school today early and said that she had taken a bit of a funny turn at school, really bad stomach pains, spinning room and went very very pale. I went through all the usual things, did you drink enough today, did you rush your lunch she said no and that she was feeling better and headed off to the gym.

I now know, after speaking to her tonight that it was quite a horrible panic attack due to an escalating 4 months of her boyfriend decreasing MH and now daily SH and routine suicide ideation.

She is absolutely beside herself and already feels like she has broken his trust by speaking to me and DH however understands it’s a big responsibility and too much to hold herself.

I guess my question is, to anyone that might have experience, is where do we go from here, she is toying over speaking to a teacher at school but is so upset at the thought of him feeling betrayed, my thinking is, that is a lot easier to get over than him doing something to end his life and her living with she is the only one that knew he is was thinking that way.

I don’t have his parents numbers, we purely know them in a quick wave/hi at drop off/pick up

She has seen the SH and it is deep and is becoming more frequent, including at school. He is also changed how he talks about suicide, from one day it might be an option to a more viable plan, which I know from my own work field is a huge concern.

Should we support her to speak to the school tomorrow?

Yes speak to the school with her - she can’t face this responsibility alone.

Yes.

It’s not your or your daughter’s responsibility to support this boy. That’s his parents’ responsibility.
Encourage her to end this relationship any way you can and support her in moving on with her life. It is very unhealthy for her to be involved in this.

Yes. He needs help and support and this is not something your daughter can handle alone. His parents need to be made aware.

I’d be planting the seeds with her that his issues are not her responsibility and she must protect her own health and future. As harsh as it sounds, someone who
is threatening suicide is beyond the help of a 17 yo in a four month relationship.

Self harm is grotesque and abnormal and it’s very manipulative to be doing it in front of her, you need to save her from that.

Yes 100%. Go and help her tell them.

Shes 17. Not 37, she can end this now. Let his parents and school support him. She doesn’t need to. She should go be with her mates.

She needs to end this. As PP’s have said. She can’t fix this. She’s only 17, he will drag her down, when she should be spreading her wings.

She needs to inform the school and distance herself completely. He needs more help than she can give.

He's still a child. Report it to safeguarding at school or college.

So did you tell the school OP?

I’d speak to the school myself, as the adult in the situation. I absolutely would not be putting it on my child that it is her responsibility to support another child with decreasing mental health, suicide ideation and self harm.

My partners cousin put his girlfriend in a similar situation a few years ago. They were older, I don't think anyone blames her, but it might have played out differently if she'd told his brother or parents.

Your first priority is your daughter. This will seriously impact her life and possibly have lasting consequences. She's 17, a child, and should not be subjected to this in any way. If you want to approach the school, go ahead, but I strongly urge you to encourage an end to this relationship.

I recommend you do a Zero Suicide Alliance training yourself and then walk through it with her https://www.zerosuicidealliance.com/

It will help her see that suicidal feelings are not a secret for her to keep on risk of death, and they're not even rare. One of the first things all these trainings teach is not to be afraid of saying the word "suicide" or "killing yourself".

Probably the student one will do. Look yourself first. Sorry you're going through this. x

It is not her job to support him. I had a bf with depression, when he was feeling depressed I told him to go home and contact me when he felt up to it. He wanted his own space.

You need to speak to school immediately. They may have ways they can handle this that doesn’t actually involve your daughter/her boyfriend finding out she told you. And I agree that you need to be very careful with how involved she is with this. She is a child and it is already having a hugely negative affect on her. she can’t fix him.