8yr old DS saying he wants to kill himself, and difficult behaviour

[Natsku]

I'm not sure how much of this is actual big feelings he's struggling with, and how much is him saying things to seek a reaction, but lately when he's really angry or upset he will say things like 'I'll kill myself', usually when something is not going his way e.g. he gets a consequence for his behaviour and he doesn't like it.

His teacher contacted me on Friday quite concerned because he said this at school, in PE he had been mean to a classmate so the PE teacher rightly banned him from playing on the climbing equipment at the end of the lesson and he said to the teacher that he'd die if he didn't get to climb on it, that he'd kill himself. His class teacher spoke to him after this and asked what he meant and he said that if he's dead he won't feel bad things any more. Teacher was very concerned about this and suggested she contacts the school psychologist to see if they will see DS or recommend the school counsellor see him.

At home when I talk to him he sometimes says the same as he said to his teacher and other times say he's just angry. And he's angry a lot lately, I don't know if its just the age, I remember DD being difficult at this age but not this much, he keeps fighting with his friends especially if they are playing something competitive, then gets really upset afterwards. He keeps breaking rules, then getting upset and promising he won't break them again, then breaking them again almost immediately. Cut out screens a while ago, which does have an impact but not that big an impact (but big enough for me to keep them cut). Suspect ADHD, waiting for the diagnosis process to start but we're getting the help and support from the school nurse that he would get anyway (just started though, got 2nd appointment this week).

Don't really know what I'm wondering here, I suppose is he just saying things like that to try and get his way or is he struggling even more than I've realised? He's absolutely lovely the rest of the time, really loving and generous and wants to do good. Was a really easy baby and toddler so I suppose the universe had to balance that out at some point but I'm worried how he'll be when he's older if he can't control his anger.

It sounds like he’s in burnout.

What support does he get at school?
How was he in the holidays?

The ‘he’s absolutely lovely the rest of the time’ is very telling. It sounds like he’s masking a lot. He’s probably absolutely exhausted.

We're still figuring out what support he needs so nothing specific yet, just general level of support (stuff that's available to all the children like elastic bands on desk legs to fidget with, weighted soft toy to hold on lap for calming, that kind of thing).

He was a bit calmer in the holidays, though still issues with breaking rules, and fights with friends when he saw them.

Its definitely worse nearer the end of the day, so when he's more tired (though once he's actually ready for bed he tends to go back to being lovely again and wanting lots of cuddles)

Please don't think he is just trying to get a reaction, I felt similar at that age....I tried to hang myself in school toilets but the cord snapped... school didn't even tell my parents thought it was attention seeking. I wanted to feel numb/better and was lovely and unhappy. No obvious trauma but I went well if the rails are a teenager as I had the same unmet need and was very vulnerable. I would let with the school psychologist and maybe camhs

What's his diet like? Often children with ADHD can have defiencies and supplements for vitamin d, ferritin, omega 3 etc can help with the mood symptoms and depression. I'm not for a minute suggesting it's a cute for ADHD but can be really helpful alongside other intervention

Good luck to you both

My son (ASD&ADHD) used to do this a lot at a similar age until he was about 11. It was heart breaking but as he's got older and better able to express his feelings I've realised it was more that he just couldn't think of another way to express the emotional pain he was in. He found life so difficult and the only way he thought that could stop was if he died. He used to beg me to kill him. He's much better now (no longer in school and much happier) but at times of distress now he will say "I want to go home" even though he already is home. Again, it's the only way he knows to express how deeply unhappy and unsafe he feels. He knows he's at home, but "home" in that context means "more safe than I feel right now". I doubt your son is being manipulative, just distressed and unable to put it into words or understand why he feels like that and just wants the awful feelings to stop.

I'm so sorry you went through that, absolutely terrible that the school didn't tell your parents.

His diet is pretty good, he eats everything, even if he complains about vegetables he will eat them, but I should start giving vitamin D supplements again now summer is over. I was not good at remembering to give them last winter so possibly deficient.

Sorry your son struggled so much, glad he's doing better now. It kinda makes sense that it might that he doesn't know how else to express just how big his feelings are so that's the biggest thing he can think of.

His teacher got back in touch, we're having a meeting with the psychologist, nurse, and teacher next week. Is there anything particular I should ask the psychologist? Asking about if its masking I suppose, but what else? And what kind of support should I be seeking?

My nephew said at age 8 that he thought his family would be better off without him. 😢 He saw a counsellor. Don’t know if it did any good. Anyway, as an older teen he was diagnosed with autism and depression. He’s on meds and doing well now.