How do you look after a lone older parent? Looking for tips

[lookingafteroldermum]

My mum is in her late 70s and lives on her own. I'm worried about her health and am looking for tips on what I can do to help her even though I don't live round the corner or have a car to get there quickly.

I've got quotes from stair lift companies but she doesn't want a stairlift.
We tried to get her a personal alarm system but she doesn't want that either!

We're thinking of getting CCTV in the house so we can monitor her at home, in case of falls etc. Touch wood she doesn't need a carer yet but she has a lot of aches and pains lately which is making me worry. Also worried about her memory. How do I get doctors to take her seriously?

Anyway just wondering if anyone has any recommendations or tips on looking after a (crabby and stubborn!) older relative. Am I missing an obvious trick here?

Priority would be to have LPAs drawn up and ready to use.

Contact details for neighbours, and make sure they have a key if you can't get there quickly yourself.

But, only late 70s, is she frail already?

My mother is 90. Very frail. Step can still cope but only just.

If there's any further deterioration, I'll take a 6/12 month lease on a one bed flat round the corner. They are about £900pcm. It will be better for her until we can't cope. Mon - Friday there; Fri to Sun at home with DH.

Easy for me because I'm almost retired.

How is her health? Has she had any significant issues? Because talking about putting CCTV in her house seems extreme tbh, and not something I’d ever allow my child to do while I had any kind of mental capacity.

Is she internet savvy. I am 80 and love TikTok for entertainment. I like music, opera, 60s and BTS. I enjoy all the posts about dogs, babies, foreigners adjusting to life in the UK.

I also have an Audible subscription and subscribe to my library which supplies e books and audio.

Keeping her brain active will help her body be active too. If she is phone savvy then getting her to What’s App. To connect with friend and family. We have a What’s App group that includes my children and theitr partners, grand children and lately we have had a request to join the group from my grandsons two flatmates. We have never met them but it is great to extend our reach.

My mum was living alone until she was 86. She then had a serious fall which resulted in reduced mobility and she now lives in a care home since 2.5 years.

We spoke 1-2x a week on the phone (living in two different countries), my aunt had a spare key and lived nearby and both would chat/meet up on a regular basis.

She is extremely hard hearing and absolutely no internet savy so no mobile/internet was possible.

I think a personal alarm would have been useful but CCTV? Sorry, that's a huge step too far unless there is a mental capacity /dementia/alzheimer issue. My colleague installed it in her mum's flat but it's only a matter of time until she has to move in a secure facility due to alzheimer. A normal elderly person - you can't do that.

Get PoA sorted and maybe get your mum for a proper health check.

I'm late 70s, too, but my DH lives with me, so not exactly the same. I agree about LPA: essential for later. Things we have recently done are to install an extra stair rail, so we can hold on both sides using the stairs. We've just had the bath taken out and a walk in shower installed. We went with the option of having a shower seat and grab rails installed. Best thing ever, although we don't actually use the fold away seat. My DH has also confirmed that it is possible to install a stair lift if necessary, but we don't want one yet (walking up them is good for you).

A friend who was in her 90s and whose family lived in France did install CCTV but not until she was in her 90s. The family were able to talk and see her through the TV, and they installed a Ring doorbell so they could see who was at her door.

Hope this all helps in some small way.

If she has agency then obvs you can’t force anything, she gets to make her own decisions, and potentially her own mistakes. Using persuasion, I’d be encouraging a ring door bell. A camera in the home only if she is agreeable of course - say it’s for your peace of mind rather than for her if that works. Hopefully she has, and can use, a mobile phone. Does a neighbour have a key?

My mum is 80 and widowed.
Shes very active and has something in her diary most days including exercise classes which is a big part of her social life too.
I had planned to set up a regular recurring Tesco delivery order her weekly but for now whilst she is still able to drive she prefers to go herself.
i have a gardener goes fortnightly to tidy up her garden as she was finding it overwhelming.

I’ve also considered for the future, ring doorbell which myself of my brother can access and check if we can’t get hold of her and are worried.
we already have LPA.

Can you make adjustments to the ground floor so that she can mainly live there if necessary?

And yes to a pp who said LPA now, before there’s any real problem.
My healthy, independent mum quickly became very ill with cancer at 85 and we were not able to get the LPA in place before she died. We never thought to do it sooner.

Bearing this in mind, I have already set it up for myself with my adult children - I’m still under 60 btw!

I work with the elderly. A lot depends on their health. Most ppl do well if they are seeing ppl and exercise regularly. Join groups so she has friends, walking everyday or going to groups for exercise. Getting out is so important. She will deteroate fast if she's at home all the time.
As for when she's at home, panic alarms are great but if she doesn't want it, just call her every day to make sure she's ok and give a trusted neighbour a key. Hopefully, if she keeps fit, it will be a long time before she needs more help.
Although a lot of ppl don't like the idea of moving, having them closer to family will be better for everyone in the long term. Supported living bungalows or flats are fantastic, especially as they have activities for the elderly and support if they need it.