How to help and get on with DD with Autism + ADHD

[Workisntworking]

19 yr old DD was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD in the past year. She was the stereotypical gifted good girl and then what we know to be ND traits came out.
DD is resentful that we didn't do anything about it when she waa younger but it was only when a counsellor at school mentioned it that we even thought about it.

She gets very overwhelmed and often says she's useless. She's about to start university and will struggle with noise, sharing a kitchen, having to be on for socialising.

I've spent a lot of time/energy trying to anticipate the things she might need but I can't prep for her in a social sense. She can be snappy and rude with no notice. She needs her own space.

Im struggling to cope with her moods and this wont get better. We've been out shopping today. I researched where we could shop so we could be in and out. Really not helped by the music in the shop coupled with a busker outside. We found 1 item, which we bought but nothing else was suitable. I suggested the 2nd shop and had planned the route. She had a face like thunder and I asked if she was ok. Which was a mistake. She said that I know she's autistic, that she finds shopping a sensory overload. She just went on at me. The second shop was useless as it happens as nothing fitted, genuinely nothing fitted.

So we went home and she put in earbuds and didnt speak and I was too scared to say anything.

We did later order some things online but just now she's said how useless she is, she cant even go shopping.

I dont know how to help her, I feel nervous about saying the wrong thing, which I do often. Im almost looking forward to her going to university so im not nervous of what I say or do, but then I worry that her snappiness and easy overwhelm will make making friends more difficult.

I should say she is not all bad, and can be very loving and thoughtful.

And I have ADHD and am peri-menopausal so I know im not reacting as well as I could.

How do I be a better Mum to her, and help her?

I think offering reassurance that she’s not useless, she’s just wired differently might help.

What does she currently do to try and ease the overwhelm? Is she using things like LOOP and does she do anything to help regulate like meditation?

You are also allowed to tell her not to be so bloody rude and that you are doing your best to help her. There are books out there for helping autistic kids understand social situations. Would she consider counselling it might help with the self esteem.
Have you actually sat down and talked about her diagnosis and why it was a late thing. No blame here I know sometimes it not obvious. Is she actually ready for uni does she need another year to mature? Not everyone copes with shops and that’s allowed. Maybe phrase it that way. Talk about deciding you don’t have to be in situations you don’t like so you order stuff online. Admitting you’re human and finding your way can sometimes help.

Did she know the route you’d planned?
I think it’s time you stopped trying to cushion everything and help her figure out what can help her.
Does she have noise cancelling headphones?
Sometimes chewing gum can be helpful for some people. It just depends on what works for her.

Yeah - with a young adult you need to move over from doing things for them to supporting them doing things for themselves.

So e.g. ask her for how she would like to shop etc - & don’t get involved if it’s weird.

I don’t know your budget / how fussy she is with what she wears - but FWIW my power-hack is personal shopping at John Lewis. They take you to a private room and bring you things.

We also buy a lot of things online - but the scale of returns is a real grind on me - and I wouldn’t be shocked if some retailers ended up black listing me! Once we find something we like - we buy 5.

My DD20 didn’t get her ASD diagnosis until 18 despite me asking for it from when she was about 7 so don’t punish yourself about that. Diagnosis of girls has got dramatically better in recent years.

It sounds like it’s a mix of her diagnoses, fear of impending university and teenage frustration with parents.

University will have support but she must ask for it. Others are right, you can tell her to stop being rude. At this age they mainly look to friends for guidance so hopefully she will get a nice group who will support her but also tell her if she’s being a dick.

Sending hugs 🫂 OP, it’s never easy.

Has she applied for DSA too OP and will she be joining the ND group at Uni of there is one?

I think you need to go easy on herself and her. Stop asking so many questions (especially asking how she is/ is she ok) and just be comfortable with the silence. Can she not wear her ear buds when she goes shopping?

Oh my goodness. You are me. It is so hard! I am trying to do a combo of empowering her to recognise when she is struggling and ask for help before she hits meltdown and helping her minimise sensory stuff. It is slowly getting better but some things are just not achievable, like a full day at a busy shopping centre.

She is also an adult who is clearly capable of planning her own route or saying that she doesn’t like a situation and thinking around it.

This is just rude and entitled behaviour playing on your desire to make her happy. I’d tell her in straight terms that her behaviour is unacceptable.

You should of picked the halls that they keep for ND students/disabled students they would of been much quieter. I understand why shes annoyed about the late diagnosis I was diagnosed in my twenties and resented my parents for not clicking it on it was clear as day looking back.

Thank you everyone for replying.

To answer a few questions, she did apply for DSA and has an excellent package - some tech stuff as well as an hour a week with a coach and an hour a week with a tutor - hopefully they can point herctoeards counselling. She even got sone dBuds.

She did request a kitchen shared between fewer people on medical grounds but has ended up where she is. To be honest, I dont think there are many small kitchens. She has not requested a quiet flat because its a binary choice of quiet or not quiet, rather than there being an inbetween and she wants to be sociable (in theory).

I suggested joing the ND Soc. I think she was initially resistent but seems more open to it now.

She wears earbuds when we go shopping and I leave her to it when we are in a shop. Yesterday we were there for 1 hour 20. Literally just targeting the relevant shops rather than mooching around.

I did suggest the John Lewis Personal Shopper. But she wasn't impressed with that. I've used it myself about 5 times.

She has had a year off for other medical reasons but it also was good to have the break. She did have a job which proved to be overwhelming and 4 weeks after leaving she is still recovering.

In terms of her late diagnosis, it just wasn't on our radar. She was the superbright good girl who had to sit next to ND boys to help them behave. He teens kind of coincided with COVID. She became angry, snappy, anxious. I thought she was just being a teenager. I also saw a lot of me on her so thought was 'normal' but have had an ADHD diagnosis myself this year - so it's just 'our normal'.

I know i dont react the best way I can, I say the wrong thing often.

All you wise and kind words are really appreciated. Are there any books that anyone would recommend for the mother daughter dynamic, or something she can read?

I could have written this today omg, we’re all in the same life stages , I’m nd and menopausal too, I could cry ref the weekend plans.
I’ve done something i rarely do and just shut it off and taken myself out of the situation.
I don’t do it often but it’s been days of this mood.
Sending hugs and love

I know i dont react the best way I can, I say the wrong thing often.

I have a Uni age DD with autism and am AuDHD myself. I think she was right to remind you of her autism so you can keep in mind that shopping is a nightmare. But I think you can also remind her that you are also ND and so you also struggle with getting things right. Especially since speaking before thinking is a trait of ADHD.

In short, both of you should cut each other some slack. You think of her autism more, but she should think of your ADHD as well as you’re both adults.

It is also a hard transition this phase from mother & child to mother and adult child, so there will be growing pains where she feels too mothered and you just don’t want her to make obvious errors in life.

She is also likely nervous about Uni. I would get a quiet room if she can, you can still socialise with a quiet room. It just means your room stays a quiet retreat.

I did pay for the highest level of catering as my DD found it easier to go to the dining hall early when it’s quiet than deal with kitchen mates.

Are there any books that anyone would recommend for the mother daughter dynamic, or something she can read?

No. I think it’s all individual to each mother & daughter. You won’t find answers in a book and talking with her is better than sending her off to read a book,

She is an adult now so needs to consider your needs not just her own. As do you. Your post is all about what you can do to make her life easier - what can she do for you? Having autism isn’t carte Blanche to treat your mother like shit.

And as to her being resentful - there wasn’t any where near the information available two decades ago as there is now - where is her empathy that you are also ND and had to get through to 40 with zero support?

We've done quite a bit of talking over the past 2 days. She's apologised twice for the way she spoke to me. She's reiterated that it was the sensory overload. She's also said she's impressed with how I've succeeded despite the challenges I've had.

She said she's scared that she's never going to be able to work - won't be able to cope. She's read various things on social media from middle aged ND wonen who've not coped with work. Shes also worried that if she cant even go to a shop, how can she be a parent.

Ive explained about accommodations being made. At my workplace so much can be put in place. Also I think she should try some counselling to help with self esteem.

We did hopefully the last of the shopping today. We went to a supermarket and a garden centre (not as random as it sounds, they've got good plastic storage) . There was no blaring music. We just missed around and had tea and a cake. It was nice and she was grateful.

So its ups and downs.

What time of day did you hit the shops? We're an ND family and if we go to town we arrive as the shops are opening and aim to be done within an hour. We'd never manage a busy afternoon.

I use Ocado for my weekly big shop. That way any top ups I can do quickly and aim for a quiet time.

I guess reassure her she can work and be a parent? We did. Before online shopping, I knew I could go shopping for 1hr if noisy and 1.5hrs if relatively quiet. I write lists and planned exactly which shops to go to. For the groceries, I even wrote the list in the order the items were put in the shop. If they moved things, I’d get really upset and often had to leave with half the shopping and go back another day for the rest. For clothes and such, I’d be in and out.

Nowadays with online shopping and online grocery it’s so much easier!

We even have work from home being accepted as possible.

Being a parent is basic, love, care for a kid and listen to them.

DD found her people at uni - she’s AuDHD. Honestly she’s very happy with it. They’re all either ADHD ou Autistic or both.

At home it’s actually harder though. She is incredibly able and competent but talks about being disabled which while technically correct is so far away from the actual reality of her.
For context she went to uni in the UK and we have always lived in France.

How long did she take to make friends?
My daughter arrived at Uni on Thursday. She's been out of the flat for a total of 5 hours so far - including just half an hour today.

Sadly I know this because she asked to be linked via Life360. I really wish she hadnt because Id have imagined she was out socialising.