Struggling with my son joining the Navy and empty nest feelings

[SereneMauveUser]

My eldest DS who is 18 has told me this week that he is joining the navy next year. Prob for only 6 years to benefit from the training. He will be 6 hours away from home and deployed for 9 months overseas ongoing so contact will be difficult. Since he has told me I cannot stop crying, my sleep is all over the place and I feel a tightness in my chest constantly. I have two children and their childhood has been the best years of my life. We are very close and do everything together and after a difficult childhood and non existent friendships they made me feel loved. They are my favourite people in the world and a future without them not being round me, feels a future not worth living.

I have had a difficult three years. My DH has a serious accident 3 years ago and although somewhat recovered has ongoing health conditions and is different. He has also been retired early. Everything seems pointless without the children. No matter how many pointless hobbies I look into it won’t fill this impending hole.

I am 52. Is this menopause, depression or a bit of both. How have other mums navigated this? Can anyone relate or share any ways on feeling better?

I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s accident, it sounds like a very difficult time for the family in the last few years.

I think most mothers would worry and might feel sad or concerned if their child announced they were joining the navy, but how would you have reacted if it was any other place? If instead of going to navy training, he’d have chosen a dream university 6 hours away, wouldn’t it be the same thing?

Once kids leave school, they mostly move away and start building their own lives. In my first year of uni I went home every 3 months and spent a chunk of the summer at home too, but it all dwindled down and by the end of my degrees, I was visiting home maybe twice a year for a long weekend (I went abroad which made things a little more difficult).

Please don’t place your happiness on your children being nearby forever. What if they want to study abroad, or travel the world, or fall in love with someone who lives on the other side of the country?

Be proud of what he’s become.
Have you thought about helping at a parenting type charity? Helping other families or similar?

Aw OP it's really hard when they fly the nest.
Is he the oldest?
I've been there when mine were 18 they went to uni and it's a bittersweet time. On one hand you are proud of them and happy that they are doing well. OTOH it's the end of an era and sad for you.
Just don't let him know quite how sad.

You get used to it.

Thanks for your comments. And I know you are right. But I am not ready for a new chapter of my life to start. I think with the last three years being dedicated to my husbands recovery it’s kind of shocked me that my life is changing again.

It also seems that so many children stay at home or close to home these days too. It seems do extreme to go from having them with you all the time to not seeing him
closr to a year.

Don’t forget a lot are at home as they can’t get onto career ladders. Yours has a very bright future ahead

By coincidence I have spoken to two friends today whose DC are home as no jobs and can’t find any. See the positive

I don't know of any of my DCs group that stayed at home but we live in a rural area. Most went to uni and never came back full time. Some, like mine, came home for a year after uni then moved on.
One lad joined the RAF and did about 7 years. Came back to the area with lots of skills and got an excellent, very well paid job in engineering. That could be your lad.

Out of my close friends group we have 11 DC in their twenties. Only two live near their mums now.

Some have moved abroad or stayed in uni cities or moved away for jobs/ partners.

Your expectations are widely off the mark. Try to be positive about the steps he is taking to carve out a good career for himself. You don’t want to sour this remaining time by making it all about you and your feelings.

I think you’ve got to reframe this in your head. It’s not a tragedy. It’s a sign of success! You’ve raised a confident sensible young man who’s taking a brave step into what sounds like a great career. He’ll get to travel the world, learn lots of skills, develop self-discipline, and be paid at the same time and hopefully come out of it with some savings and no debt.

Congratulations on clearly doing a great job as a parent. You should be proud of your son, and of yourself for raising him.

I do hope you haven't said any of this to him. Your job as a parent is to prepare your children for adulthood and let them go, not try to cling on to them.

I think you need to see your GP and get some help, because if this is your eldest how are you going to react when the youngest wants to go to university? Most of us are a bit sad when the eldest goes but not to this extreme.

My eldest lives abroad and my middle two live a good 5 hours drive away. My poor friend has one in Australia and one in Canada but she saves up so she can go to visit regularly and I've never once heard her say "poor me".

Please try not to worry too much, you get used to the idea of them being away quickly. Contact is far more than in the past too, you can even get emails on submarines! At 18/19 it’s normal for kids to fly the nest. My dc is in the navy so I really do understand

@SereneMauveUser. Kids really don’t stay close in my experience, I have neither of mine close, nor my step kids though they are closer than mine

You will tie yourself up in knots of you don’t accept that it is your son’s life. Be proud and happy for him and give him your blessing. Don’t let you fears overshadow the choice he has made