Flatmate’s personal hygiene

[LoserWinner]

I share a rented flat with three others, all unrelated. We generally get on quite well - we chat, joke, share information etc.

One chap goes to the gym in the morning at weekends, comes back reeking of BO, doesn’t change out of his gym kit or shower, and then walks around the flat, occupies the kitchen, and generally stinks the place out. The same thing happens after work two or three days a week.

I’ve just been into the kitchen. He’s in there, and as usual, the pong is overwhelming. I asked if I could raise a sensitive issue. He said ‘yes’, so I said ‘I think you might want to consider having a shower’. He told me to get lost and said he was sorry he wasted time listening to me. It was all over in seconds.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we can deal with the impact his lack of personal hygiene has on our living space?

That would have been a bit direct, even for me.

It would have been better to open the c9nversation with a chat about his plans for today and then gently say, John, I want to have a word about something I've noticed, appreciate you have brilliant workouts, but the synthetics and sweat are mingling to make a strong BO smell. It might be an idea to change and shower straight away, and I've fot some bio powder for your laundry, I'll leave some out for you. I'm off to do x, have a great day and see you later.

Some people are just stinky mingers but usually because they know no better and are lazy about hygiene.

I don’t think it was too direct given he is clearly oblivious or does not give a toss that he reeks your living space out -
maybe force in numbers ?
Can u and the others say that the gym body and clothes BO is overbearing ??
other than saying it as it is, I can’t see a work round ??

One flatmate has put a scented candle in the living area (and we have all the windows open). I think he is lazy about hygiene generally - his room smells of dirty sheets, feet and BO, which we can smell when he opens the door.

I don’t think there’s an easy way to tell someone they have vile and persistent BO. Gentle hints haven’t worked, and inviting him to consider a shower seemed a fraction more gentle than just saying ‘hey, you smell, do something about it’.

Text him the following
Dearest flatmate, I want to start by saying how much I admire and like you; however, there is a small issue I would like to discuss. The other flatmates and I have noticed that you smell rather, shall we say, pungent, and it's making us uncomfortable. Please, for the love of all that is holy and for the sake of our future friendship, have a shower every day and wear deodorant, change your bedding and buy some of that rather lovely foot spray from Boots.
Thank you, your friend.
Or
Mate, you stink. Get a bloody shower and wash your sheets.

There's no ideal way to tackle this and your way was as good as any. I assume you all rent independently from the landlord? I think I'd club together with the others and maybe drop him an email or write a note basically saying
" we appreciate that gym and working out is a really big part of your life but we need to let you know that unfortunately your cleaning regime isn't working for us and in shared spaces we feel uncomfortable with the smell of sweat. So we would appreciate it if you can address this point otherwise we will need to complain to the landlord"

Just tell him he’s obviously putting the graft in at the gym but you stink of sweat after having a good workout

Yuck I couldn’t live with a soap dodger 🤢

I’d get the other housemates and present as a united front, he either washes or he needs to find somewhere else to live 🤷‍♀️

I think what you said was perfect. In my experience, even after they have been told they don’t change so you will have to see. I think you as a group could ask him to shower after going to the gym but he probably won’t.

I think you need to be even more direct. The shower isn’t the issue, it’s his BO.
Say ,” I know you go nose blind to your own smell but you smell sweaty. Can you sort it please as we all have to live here.”

If his room stinks in general, it’s not just the gym that’s making him smell - he’s probably an all round stinker of a human which means it’ll be deeply embedded in his clothes too. Grim.

I had to have a similar conversation with someone at work once. It was so bad that no one wanted to share an office space with her anymore. I said I wanted to raise a sensitive issue and that I’d noticed there was often a ‘strong smell’ around her. She actually took it quite well and thanked me for mentioning it (which I wasn’t expecting at all). She definitely did begin to improve after that but then a boss/employee situation is a different dynamic. But yep, she was motivated to change whereas your flatmate isn’t.

I honestly couldn’t live with that but if all the flatmates feel the same, then you’re going to have to stage an intervention and tell him together. If he wants to keep living there, he’ll have to do something about it.

You are all going to have to be together on this and just tell him his hygiene is revolting and needs to be addressed immediately.

He doesn't exactly sound like the sort to listen no matter how diplomatic or sensitive you are. You and the other flatmates are going to have to join forces and tell him straight. That the smell is untenable and he either does something about it or moves out. It won't kill him to shower and get changed, it's a minimum expectation. He sounds like a pig.

Get rid of him if you can

It's difficult as some people genuinely don't care or don't understand that they need to wash more (I worked with a smelly man who had one bath a week and wore the same shirt all week) so you and your other flatmates will have to keep on at him every time he comes home smelling bad.
Otherwise, you could paint a skull and crossbones on his door and Unclean! in big letters.

Quite frankly, if someone can't be arsed to shower and is making the environment unpleasant, I don't see why people who have to share said environment should have to dance around the topic.

I honestly tried to be as tactful as possible. I waited till no-one else was around and warned him it was going to be a sensitive comment.

It’s now some time later, and he STILL hasn’t washed or changed his clothes. I shall bide my time on this, I think. The other flatmates all find his BO pretty rank too, but have been too uncomfortable to mention it to him (two young-ish women - he’s a 6ft2in professional man in his 30s). It’s possible, but not likely, that when he’s finished sulking he may be a little more careful about personal cleanliness. If not, I think the landlord may be our next step.

An air purifier outside his room might help the smell from pervading the whole flat.
I suspect that I would probably sound like a condescending middle aged person explaining that they smell, it is unpleasant for all the other flatmates and they need to shower daily and wear clean clothes, every day.
Unpleasant for you though.
If their room is becoming a health hazard then perhaps he landlord can issue a reminder dressed up as a maintenance inspection?

I would 100% speak to the landlord, especially considering he's been outright told he smells and doesn't care. The landlord will care, because they'll be unable to find new renters if the ones that don't tolerate BO leave.

I think what what you said and how you approached it were fine. He didn't take it particularly well and got defensive and stubborn. He might reflect on it and change his habits quietly once he's had time to process it. But that's the ideal scenario.
I think you've done your turn at being direct and now it's someone else's turn. If you have a flat whatsapp chat, maybe one of them could post something like "I've left a scented candle in the lounge as I noticed earlier that even with windows open, the shared spaces weren't smelling great. Given we all live in close quarters with one another, can I ask everyone to be considerate of that and make sure they're clearing up and washing themselves, clothes and dishes. Thanks"

That's a bit neutral so it doesn't seem as though you are all ganging up on him and talking about him behind his back (even though you are a little). If he doesn't change then it's 3rd flatmate's turn "Oi Bob, I can smell you've been at the gym from my room. Please go and shower before the smell knocks everyone out"

Well you've tried the nice way. Carry a tin of air freshener around with you and spray it in his general direction, while loudly proclaiming been to the gym again Dave, every time you see him.
I used to work with someone like this. She was a cleaner/domestic and was genuinely the nicest lady you could ever meet, but omg the pong. And it lingered. Several people tactfully spoke to her over the years, but it never made a difference.

It gets worse. He finally had a shower around 11pm, and helped himself to my shower gel!

I shall buy him a gift basket of men’s toiletries (industrial strength).

My ex would do this.

It was his way of claiming/dominating the space.

He’d also grab me and paw at me even when (especially when) he could
see I was struggling with the stench.

Goodness everyone is being far too polite about this! I’d just go in and say ‘phew Jonny you reek! You’ve got to have a shower’!

You need to all tell him together. He can tell one of you to piss off but it will be harder to say that to all of you. He’s forced an intervention, in my opinion, by not graciously accepting feedback for his own benefit.

You can lead a gym bro to toiletries but you can't make him bathe!
What will you do when he's angry and won't use them?