Is humility a good value to instil in children?

[HumblePies]

This isn't meant as a stealth boast, but I'm wondering how much people value humility in children these days? I (obviously) think it's important. DH and I both come from very humble backgrounds and, given the current cost of living, are just barely middle class. We are not materialistic and feel happy with what we have. I have similarly brought up my DC (4 and 8) to be grateful for what they have, not to be grabby, and to have (what I consider) reasonable expectations. So for example, if we're on a day out in the summer, they might ask for an ice cream but they never assume they will get something. We also always bring picnic lunches so they know we will have sandwiches from home.

And yet I see other children around us who seem quite grabby, jump queues, and seem accustomed to having everything they want and get quite stroppy if they don't get it. I was speaking with the mum of one of my DC's friends, who was having a moan about her DC, who were constantly whinging for one more thing, and completely unable to keep themselves busy. (It was a regular weekend day, they'd already been for warm drinks and baked goods at a posh cafe, then out for sushi lunch and boba tea, and she was whinging that she wanted to go for ice cream or some such because she was bored.) We would never be able to do things like that because we can't afford it! But also it seems a disservice to have children be so spoilt? Although I reckon it must feel, for some families, that if they have so many resources, they want to pour them all into their DC?

I suppose my question in a very roundabout way is whether I should try to teach my own DC to be more assertive. For example, if someone jumps the queue at the playground, I tell them to still wait their turn because that's the right thing to do. But if the world is filled with queue jumpers, should I be teaching them to stand up more for themselves? Should I indulge them more, will they resent me for being a relatively restrained parent?

Sounds more like you're teaching them to be pushovers and people pleasers. My kids are polite and grateful and don't throw a strop when I say we aren't having ice cream because while I do get them a lot of things (because we can afford to and I want to) it's not an expectation or a given and they aren't spoilt. Manners are important. But letting people push in or take advantage is doing your kids a disservice. You need to model standing up for themselves - "Right, other people are waiting, you need to go to the back if you want a turn".

I think a mature person is able to show a bit of humility when it’s needed. That’s not the same thing as being a pushover at all. There are too many arrogant pushy people walking around these days thinking they’re right and the rest of the world is wrong - and passing their so-called values down to their children, more’s the pity. Humility means being able to accept and own up to one’s faults when necessary, to me anyway.

My son might ask for something, but doesn't pout about when it's a no. Whats that got to do with other kids pushing in?

Yes, being humble is really important, and kids taught to be main characters/think the world revolves round them always suffer, a lot, when life hits them, and they usually make others suffer too.

I think you’re confusing ‘humility’ with a ‘humble background’ (not at all the same thing) and being unable to assert yourself. You should be teaching your children civil assertiveness in situations where they risk being pushed around. None of this has anything to do with your friend’s children getting a lot of snacks when out.

You teach your children that if someone pushes on front on them it’s an actively good thing to just let them?

That’s not humble, that’s being a wet blanket.

Humility is not a virtue that is rewarded in the current society.

over materialistic people are not really liked (especially if boasting) but a certain amount of assertion is needed.

There's definite value in teaching children humility, but I think that's one of those things that is best taught through example. Being a gracious winner is just as important as not being a sore loser and that's something that you can model as a parent.

I think humility is quite a difficult quality to define. For me, teaching kids to be humble basically means teaching them to be a good winner - in life as much as sport. So, for example instilling in your kid that they can be proud of the fact they run fast or read well or score high tests or whatever but at the same time teaching them that being good at something doesn’t make them better than anyone else. Teaching them everyone has different circumstances, making them aware of their privileges and that everyone has different talents.

It's tricky, especially with the confidence thing. You want your DC to stand up for themselves, but at the same time you don't want them to escalate things/know when to walk away. (I'm thinking mainly about the playground, especially as my eldest has started going by themselves).

I think that's a completely different thing from not being spoilt though (the icecreams etc.)

I think sport is great for teaching DC both how to be a gracious winner and how to not be too disheartened when they are not the best at something.

@ShutteredUp thank you, you’re right. I apologise, English is not my first language. I was mixing up modesty with humility.

also I don’t meant that I let them be shoved around, I have taught them to say, Excuse me, I was standing here in the queue, it’s not your turn yet. But what I meant was the idea that it seems many children are not given boundaries and it seems they think they can do whatever they want. And it seems (at least a stereotype) that for example people in government, say the Boris Johnson types, had everything their way as a child and it just continues as they are adults. I wonder if it’s useful to instil a sense of entitlement in my DC, will they be more successful or happy because of this?