Fictional funeral arrangements: who should get final say?

[Contain4]

Purely a fictional scenario…

I’m reading a book where a man is killed.

The man was 35.
He’s been with his wife for 4/5 years, married for 3 of them and they have a 3yo child.

Who should have more say over his funeral arrangements:

The wife and mother of his child - but who has only known him for a max of 5 years?

Or his mum/parents - who’ve known him for 35 years and raised him for half of them?

The wife legally has control but IMO I would respecting the wishes of the mother.

The issue is burying vs cremating.

Wondering what other people’s views on this are….

Surely someone's spouse/partner knows them better than their parents, even if they haven't been in their life for as long?

Wife, obviously.

Wife.

His wife

He chose his wife. She should organise the funeral.

Well the deceased should, which is why it’s always important to tell your loved ones what you want by way of disposal when you die. I know what my parents want, it’s not in either of their wills, but I know.

How??

This is the exact scenario.

The wife is saying she thinks he’d want to be cremated and the mum is saying she thinks he’d want to be buried.

He had never mentioned either.

But his mum obviously knows him much better than his wife as she’s known him for 35 years vs 5 years.

Wife. More likely they have discussed these details. My parents probably know what I would want but my husband definitely knows.

But if he never mentioned either, then both his wife and mum know as much about it as next door's cat.

A decision would have to be made and that would be down to the wife.

Wife. Because the person who will (most likely) live with the consequences of the decision the longest is the child And the wife is responsible for raising the child. Making the wife go against her arrangements may cause distress (depending on her reason fir wanting that choice of course), which could effect the child wellbeing.

Plus the length of knowing them is moot point, as a spouse is more likeky to know the current preferences of the person who died.

I think wife too. She’d be more likely to know his most recent preference.
I also think people should make their wishes known, though I appreciate that’s less likely for someone so young.

But his mum obviously knows him much better than his wife as she’s known him for 35 years vs 5 years

I don’t think length of time equates to knowledge of what you might want now. Parents do have a bit of a reputation for not acknowledging maturity and development.

Team wife here. And I think after five years the wife probably knows him better than the mum. My husband knows my true authentic self so much more than my parents

But his parents don’t know him NOW as well as his wife, who shares his bed. Also legally I think it’s his wife.

I think most people in this situation would let the wife make the decision assuming she wanted to. And if there were no wife, then yes parents.

There’s a hierarchy of closeness here and spouse beats parent. I think.

This isn't about what he would have wanted. He's dead and it will make no difference to him. The funeral arrangements are for the bereaved, so his widow's wishes should take precedence over anyone else.

Your spouse is the person you choose who shares your values. That is why they are the decision maker.

As much as we love our parents and our parents love us, we don’t always have that much in common with them.

His wife decides. If it mattered to him I would assume he would have said something at some point when he was living.

I would say wife. Unless the parents have plots already purchased for the whole family or some kind of gothic crypt, the wife may wish to be buried or scattered with her husband one day. Of course as they are pretty young in this scenario that may be awkward unless any new husband wants a posthumous threesome.

It would be pretty unusual if a 35 year old’s parents knew them better than a wife of five years. Unless they’re an incredibly close family and he saw or spoke to them almost daily and/or the marriage was not actually a close relationship.

But when does it go from mum to wife?

I was thinking of my own child and if she met someone and had a whirlwind romance and got married etc I’d be heartbroken if a man who’s only known her a few weeks/months goes against my wishes.

If they get married after 4 weeks is that the same as being married for 20 years type thing.

I’m not married but my first thought was I wouldn’t respect the wishes of his parents who’ve known him 30 years longer than I have and therefore know him much better.

Wife as next of min. However, much simpler to discuss and commit in writing in a will, then there is no argument.

If he’s never explicitly said, but within his family (grandparents etc) there was a ‘tradition’ including certain type of ceremony/ burial/ cremation and he’d never expressed an alternative preference then if I was the wife I would listen to what they’re saying. It is the wife’s choice, but I would want to be considerate as she knows no difference in terms of preference.

Nobody knows you deeper than a partner. They are who you are most intimate and honest with.

Wife. Although it would be kind of her to encourage her inlaws to be involved.

My inlaws have some weird ideas about funerals so I'm hoping they are gone before DH.