How can I help my dc cope with changes of plan?

[Angstha]

Ds is 12 and may have undiagnosed asd but generally copes fine at school. The thing he really struggles with is change of social plan. If say, he is due at a group choir lesson but we’ve said he’s not going as there a sports fixture, if the fixture is cancelled he won’t go to the swimming lesson as says it’s too awkward. (These are made up example activities).
It’s frustrating as he misses out on activities which I think he’d enjoy. I made up the choir part, it’s another activity, but something that where it’s good for a teacher to know numbers in advance it’s not going to harm the structure/ group to have him turn up anyway or say he’s joining last minute and generally the more practise the better and the teacher would be pleased to see him (particularly as it’s often pay per session so teacher would end up earning more)

I realise I’ve mentioned both choir and swimming. It’s neither of those actvities, but is something where an extra person who knows what they are doing and is usually there won’t disrupt the group

Ps I know other kids who change plans last minute and also know the teacher a bit socially so it genuinely would be fine

Flow chart ? with all options listed

and give DS some control over the flow chart in case there is one option that takes a lot of preparation for him - remember that he may need more preparation than you do. Ask him which is any he find more stressful or exhausting

It's because he's psyched himself up for the sports fixture and then it gets cancelled, that emotional energy has already been used up and there isn't enough in the tank to do the re-prep work for swimming or choir.

If he is autistic the prep work he does for a social task could be anything from running through his list of kit in his head, to working backwards to sort out journey times, to rehearsing conversations with particular people. That's not nothing.

I have a similar issue and we’ve not done things because he didn’t realise it was on that day. So I just let it go. It doesn’t amount to much in the grand scheme and pushing through is saved for when it really has to happen.
I should add we almost always discuss the following days activities the night before and as he’s old enough he does have access to the shared calendar.

This isn’t something I’d push tbh. He probably just needs more time to adjust and last minute changes make it too hard for him to make a mental shift.

Well he was going to miss activity 1 when activity 2 replaced it, so he's not missing it more. You have also said that the decision to change activity is yours, not his. You can try lots of explaining i the lead up and things like social stories, but you can't make him enjoy it.

DD1 is the same and it is the change of plan but also the potential embarrassment of turning up somewhere she isn't expected. Her embarrassment threshold is very low 😂

We try and make all the potential outcomes clear so she's a bit more prepared.

If both things are at the same time can’t you say from the start we’re either going ‘swimming’ or ‘choir’ and we’ll find out later, so he can be prepared for whichever one happens?