Approaching 50 and never really worked

[yearwindingdown]

This is the position my brother is in; he turns 48 at the end of this year and he’s never really worked or held a job down, although he has a lot of qualifications he hasn’t ever really worked and when he has he’s lost the job.

I don’t really know why I’m posting; I know I’m not responsible for him but equally he doesn’t have anybody else.

Why not do you think ? What does he live on ?

At the moment, universal credit but it doesn’t go very far so he’s in debt as well as constantly running out of money!

Same here! My brother is 50 this year and has never really worked either. He lives with my mother. Always 're-training', never does anything with it. He and my mother are in a nightmarish/co-dependent/manipulative relationship. She provides a nice house and pays the bills, and he keeps her company. The problem, of course, is what happens when she dies. How the f will he cope?

You too @Dappy777 ? My brother has autism but can function, sort of. Just a stress wondering what the next decade will look like.

Are your parents around? Will they leave him any inheritance? He will probably be better off on his pension than UC, although that’s obviously a few years away. Has he tried claiming for DIL if he struggles to gain employment due to his autism?

Parents are dead and have been for a while now. He lives in a flat - got with inheritance. For a while he lived in my dad’s house but it just deteriorated around him. So he sold it and moved. There’s no diagnosis of autism and the waiting list is years, problem is he’s in denial and gets very angry if you suggest he needs support, even though he clearly does!

The reality is as much as we as a society don't like to admit it there are people who genuinely aren't able to work. This whole everyone needs to work and get of benefits just isn't realistic.

I am late 40's and while I did work when I was in my 20's I've been disabled for about 20 years now. I don't get benefits but am supported by my husband. I am trying a new treatment and hopefully it helps but even if it does I have no idea how I'd ever get back to work or catch up on the life I should have had.

Then unless you become his carer which I will assume you don't want to be then he will have to manage his situation.

I think the modern world makes things much harder for people who are like this. When we all lived rurally and in small villages, people would have been able to do more straightforward work like getting crops in or tilling fields, helping build dwellings etc. but everything's more complicated and corporate now. Endless bureaucratic rules, higher communication requirements and a lot more isolation. Even simple jobs are hopelessly difficult now due to training, health and safety rules, insurance requirements and shift hours. We're the equivalent of wild animals being kept captive. Some will survive and just get on with it, others will fail and be unable to cope. Man lived for thousands of years in the way people were built for and it's suddenly all changed, but our brains haven't.

It’s very hard to know what to do. It’s easy to say leave him to it but in practice it’s a lot harder.

It's a shame if he doesn't qualify for any disability benefits yet isn't really capable of holding down a job.

I guess he's lucky in that he's got a roof over his head and presumably always will do unless he chooses to sell his flat and elects to sleep on the streets.

I guess all you can do is keep an eye on him, keep in contact. Make it clear you're there as moral support. And that you don't judge him for not working. Nobody chooses to be like that. Well, very few.

Do you think your DM will leave everything to your brother as she probably thinks he can't cope? He will then live off the inheritance.

I can imagine how worrying this is. This happened to my mother with a sibling. If the funds are there, sheltered accommodation is an option. The property is purchased, people live independently but there’s a warden on site for emergencies, and a dining hall if people want meals/to socialise. There’s a relatively IMO hefty monthly fee for what you get, but it can be a really good solution if someone needs support and lives alone. Although a lot of the flats will be inhabited by the elderly, I think lowest level entry age is 55.

This is true. There have always been people living off other people or on benefits (in the last 60 plus years) if not both.

The big issue is that the numbers appear to have increased. I don't know if they actually have but public perception, aided and abetted by the media, makes it sound like they have.

So, are these people disabled in some way or are they just unmotivated or plain lazy.

I described up thread why things are harder for such people.

You did but it didn't really answer my question. Are you saying that they have some kind of mental disability or are (to be unkind) little bit stupid.

I don't accept your theory of man basically being an animal that can't cope with socialisation. This seems to be something that's more prevalent in the UK given the perceived rise in numbers. Or do other countries just not advertise it.

I know two young people with disabilities both working full time. One is on the till at a supermarket and she has Downs, the other is partially deaf with learning difficulties and works in a garden centre. The problem is getting employers to give these people a chance. Both these places are lage companies, M and S and Dobbies,

They are young and also learning difficulties so maybe needing longer to pick things up and more support is one thing, the sort of mulish ‘I will ignore what I have been told to do and I will do what I want’ is much harder!

I have no idea what’s going to become of him. I don’t think he knows either. I think for a long time he lived in a bit of à la la land where once he’d done the latest qualification or had a decision back from somewhere - then he’d launch his career and he’d meet someone and have a family. I think he now knows that won’t happen. The question is, what will? So very difficult.

@yearwindingdown
nothing will happen

he will live in denial and a cycle of debt and paybacks telling anyone who will stand still that it wasn’t his fault he just never got the right opportunity to display his obvious brilliance, as indicated by ignoring being told what to do (whilst at work being paid to do the job that the employer needs you to do) and he will do what he wants

perhaps explain to him no one gets to just do what they want but I suspect that will also be like talking to a brick wall