Has anyone managed to tolerate the burnout for higher pay?

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Looking for advice - especially from people who’ve faced this dilemma … What did you do?
I’m fortunate to be in a highly paid role after 10+ years with my company. It’s mostly because I work for an American firm - I’m home based in UK. My salary + bonus is at least 3x what it would be if I did the same thing for a UK company.

But I am really struggling. Loved my job til about a year ago when the contract changed (restructure) and I got a new boss (US-based, erratic, he doesn’t believe in holidays, changes demands all the time and is generally chaotic to work for, albeit he seems to see me as his “fixer” so brings me into almost everything he’s working on). I also took on 3 LA- based teams and 2 global projects. Now I’m often on calls til close to midnight and I travel a lot - typically flying out on a Sunday. Rarely eat with my family (son and daughter 14 & 17), stressed and tired all the time, and feel I’m missing out on the last years of their childhood at home. My partner picks up so much slack on lifts etc and I feel guilty about that too.
I’m in tears most days before I log on just with sheer exhaustion but my salary is 4x my partner’s and pays for our kids’s school fees and family holidays (not lavish, but it’s how we fund them). If I leave and take a similar UK job, we would be in a difficult position £ wise.
What would you do? Accept it for the next 4 years til school is done or get out now? My nervousness about leaving is because I worry I’d get into a similarly demanding role but just lose the only upside which is the 3x financial cushion. However I don’t know if I can last. I honestly feel done.

Op I was in a similar position with burnout but in the nhs - so a very different culture. Pay obviously nothing like what you’re talking about but my husband became disabled and can’t work so we rely on my income and taking a break isn’t viable.

i did two things that helped: 1) coaching and 2) mental health support - for me that was cbt to deal with the triggers of stress and depression. I’m not saying it’s a bed of roses but I no longer have nightmares about work and I no longer cry when I switch on my computer.

I specifically accessed coaching for how to cope with my situation, rather than to change jobs or careers. It helped me gain a bit of perspective and to be able to pick up and put down work stress. In my experience there was no simple solution. It’s about daily things: a walk, some fresh air, prioritising your personal relationships.

my husband’s disability is chronic fatigue caused (we think) by burnout. He has not been able to work for two years and counting. I’m sure you know this but i would urge you to take this situation very seriously and to do everything you can to support yourself.

can you tell your boss you need somes sharper time boundaries? From his perspective you’re a resource he is trying to squeeze. But if you’re gone there will be nothing left at all so it’s also in his selfish interests to help you.

What are the numbers we are looking at?
Are you compensated for the travel?
Pension? Could you retire early?
How old are you?
I would have considered the school fees but really you can’t move your children now unless you re desperate.

I think running multiple west coast US stuff from the UK is insane, doing a small amount of work in that market and finding the regime relentless!

My instinct would say stick it out if it’s 4 years but - you sound completely miserable. So it’s not worth it. Can you cut back this year on other spending and save enough to eg cover the school fees, and maybe make it a 1 year plan rather than a 4 year plan?

And is it really a 3x financial cushion once tax is taken into account… probably not!

Can you take your kids out of private school? Or have you got enough saved to get them through A level / GCSEs respectively?

I'm not sure burnout is something you can tolerate.

What can you do to change your life, without changing your whole role?

Can you start refusing calls e.g. between 6:30-8:30pm so you have dinner with your kids? Start pushing back on travel more? It might not go down very well but it might also be worth a try. If they think you'll leave they might think it's worth putting up with to keep you. And if they really start getting grumpy you can always stop pushing back on this sort of thing.

I've found saying "ah sorry, I just can't make that work" to the least important 25-30% of travel is pretty effective. I make sure I go to the stuff that really matters and a proportion of the other stuff so people see my face.

I have also trialled being really honest "I don't have the capacity to deliver this and travel I'm afraid" which is also fairly effective.

Mine isn't with a US firm though - it's UK wide travel.

This might sound brutal but I bet your kids would rather have their mum than a private education.

several years ago my husband worked for a very erratic boss (albeit British) in a small London firm, well paid, lots of travel, working constantly on holidays & any down time was eaten up with stress. This nearly finished our marriage.

my husband was tied to the company through some dodgy equity scheme which made him reluctant to walk away, he was also fearful about finding a similarly paid job.

he started looking for something new &
within a month found a new position in a bigger firm paying a little less than he was getting. He walked away from the equity. He is now far out earning what he was back then, much happier, far less hours & travel & can now relax (somewhat on holidays).

my take away is to work out how much money you need to earn for a pared back lifestyle & start looking around for something new. Even if you have to take less money initially, what are the prospects like?

speak to your spouse & see how they are feeling about the current situation too. Your health & relationships are everything

Firstly - thank you for the comments on my post. I am so grateful to you all for taking the time to share your experiences and ask me some good questions that, to be honest, I’ve probably been avoiding. I know I need to exercise, take better care of myself and take responsibility to push back but I haven’t. I have been feeling “stuck” and overwhelmed and I am going to think about everything you’ve said some more. I know it makes sense.
Taking the kids out of school is something I’m trying to avoid. Pushing back on travel and limiting late night calls is right - what’s the worst that could happen. In fact, if I was made redundant, the school fee issue goes away because the redundancy pay would cover fees. I’m 48, so not yet at retirement age (mortgage etc). You’ve inspired me to think more about what’s in my control to make the current situation better - or even what we would truly “need” as a family to walk away from the current set up and move forward. Thank you.

When I had kids, we cut down on everything and survived on 1 salary. It feels hard at first, but there's so much you can live without you'd be surprised. DH and I live a relaxed life full of time and things we need, which is time with the family, dinners together everyday. If you are on a high salary, you'll be able to survive on a smaller one.

All the families I know with 2 full time incomes are horribly stressed, it just doesn't look worth it.

I am in the UK and work a lot with collaborators in the UK. Quite a lot of folk have a note on their email signature to the effect of "I am sending this email at a time that suits me; please reply at a time that suits you". Or "my working hours are xxyyzz (time zone)"

Don’t do it. I also got a new US boss and now everyone in the management team is thinking of leaving. It’s not the hours but the culture that has changed and is killing people. Goodness knows how they get away with it over there. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!

Pushing back a bit like this is great - it's respectful and polite but acknowledges the obvious truth that you can't be in two places at once!

You cant tolerate burnout. That minimises what it feels like to have it

I know people who have died from overwork - around your age, even younger. Please don't let it be you.

Definitely push back. Put boundaries in place with your boss. Take the annual leave - presumably you have a UK-based contract which allows you at least 20/25 days- use it all. If you are considering leaving anyway then you have nothing to lose. Is this a law firm by any chance?!

Put those boundaries in place and then give it until the end of the year to see if that improves things.

Please put your sanity first OP. It's painful reading that you're in tears every day. Nothing is worth that.

Also I wonder what it's teaching your dc, would you want this life for them?

The key is to start setting boundaries that work for you where you can and be clear and factual about it. People think pushing back needs a stand off or excessive apology but often it’s just a case of deciding how you’re going to manage your workload (within your control) and letting people know. A lot of travel is not essential, a lot of meetings don’t need to meetings or even need you there I’d bet.

I’d recommend this book to reframe how you think about the relationship with your boss and for some practical strategies on pushing back in a way that will be productive:

Smart Conflict: How to have hard conversations at work: amzn.eu/d/04UpQqqm

I tolerated burnout for almost 4 years in exchange for £££ and nearly had a mental breakdown and irreversibly impacted my physical health.

Not worth it whatsoever.

Exactly. Chronic stress does things to you that you wouldn't even imagine

I did in the 80s/90s for about 10 years. I got a house and £100k in the bank out of it. Met DH then had babies at 35 and packed it in, having built a firm foundation.

Nothing else has ever been so hard and I'm 66 now.

I get how much of a millstone the school fees are and in such critical years it’s so hard to move them. No fast moves is a good idea. See what you can change and push back on, start prioritising your own health and rest. If your boss relies on you that much you’re very unlikely to be fired and you can’t ‘fire at will’ on a UK contract anyway so good luck if he tries! Take notes about the inappropriate attitude to holidays and remind yourself you must take that 20 days a year to enable you to function! If you could cover the last years of fees, when could you realistically leave for something less demanding?

I was in a similar position with workload. It all came to a head after working from January to April without a day off , not even a weekend, we submitted our results and I asked for a couple of days off. I had cancelled my family holiday because we had run over deadline. My boss went on his. My boss refused a couple of days off for me and said he’d get me some time off with my family in June. 🙄

Id actually already decided I was going to call in sick as I really was at utter breaking point. When I woke in the morning I had pain down one side of my face and couldn’t see out of one eye. My blood pressure was so high the GP thought I was having a stroke.

I had a couple of months off sick and then when k went back to work refused to work like I had been doing before. I only heard the expression quiet quitting after the fact but that’s what I did.

They made me redundant which was what I wanted. I then went on to find a higher paid much much less stressful job.

You push back strongly before leaving yourself.

get an exec coach if needed.

at worst, they push you out but hopefully they would need to pay you off, but if you are good at your job bosses typically adapt to your boundaries

Otherwise set a target for how much you want to save and give yourself a fixed time period (e.g. 24 months) over which you want to remain at the company and aggressively job hunt

Burnout can’t be tolerated. It’s the point it becomes too much.

Good advice. Actually firing someone in the UK isn't easy

Yeah, the other thing I sometimes say is "hmm, if I travel that's X hours I can't work in, so I think with the amount we've got on, it's probably more effective if I dial in" and other similar phrases. I also like blocking my diary out whenever doesn't work for me.

I find actually people are reasonably good about not booking over things if you open your diary up so it's clear what they are. I have a firm rule that if it's OOO I won't be coming, if they book against an accepted meeting I am unlikely to come unless it's substantially more important, and if I have left a meeting as tentative people can book over it.

I also diarise evenings out/people coming for dinner on my work diary, and when things were particularly mental have actively made an effort to book things at least one evening a week so there was at least one time when I logged off on time and didn't book in.

I don't think you have to make a huge noise about starting to refuse meetings.

The other question I would have is how much flex do you have in the mornings before the US team is online? My friend who worked with a West coast team used to log in early in the morning and do a couple of hours. Then take a couple of hours off and go and do her shopping. Go to the gym whatever and then do the afternoon and early evening with the US.

And the deal was as well that the US team used to get in at 7:00 a.m. ish their time so that they could get as much for the day together as possible. And then she used to take calls up to 7:00pm fairly regularly but after that only very occasionally. It seemed like a reasonable-ish compromise to me.