DS(11) uncomfortable changing after swimming lessons at primary school venue

[Iftheskywasbkue]

DS(11) and in y7 and we have transferred his swimming lessons to a Saturday and they are held at a primary school. Obviously there are boys and girls changing rooms but after his first visit he came out quite annoyed and upset.

He said the boys changing room was full of mums & dads getting younger boys/girls changed (all fine) but also had quite a few older girls of around 6-10 years standing around not getting changed, according to DS. He said the older girls kept staring at him and a few other older boys getting changed and he said it made him feel very uncomfortable and he doesn’t want to go back.

He arrived in his swimwear but has to get changed afterwards as he goes to another activity straight afterwards (so no donning a onesie and out the door like some kids do). He has a hooded towel for privacy but he still wasn’t happy.

Is it common for this set up when swim schools use a primary school for lessons? Taking any-aged child into the changing rooms regardless of sex or age?

We were previously at a nationwide gym where there was obviously separate changing rooms and he has been going to the men’s since age 8.5. We are not going back to this gym so that’s not an option (pool closed down).

I don’t see how the swim school can do anything as they hire the premises (as do a number of other sport companies so it’s a busy site on a Saturday, but only the swimmers use the changing rooms). As it’s used by the public on the weekends I guess parents aren’t comfortable with 6-10 year olds sitting outside the changing rooms while their younger siblings are changed by their parents.

I know there are always complaints about boys in girls changing rooms so this is the flip side I guess; if DS refuses to go back there’s not much choice to go anywhere else so I’m not sure what to do.

It doesn’t sound ideal and my older DS would hate this sort of scenario, but it sounds like there is probably no overriding authority going on if several companies are hiring the school facilities. The changing rooms are perhaps a bit of a Wild West free for all - unlike a gym where you toe the line or they can tell you to leave.

Mention it to the swimming instructor and see what she says. She may agree with you and send a reminder to parents or she could say she has no influence as they aren’t her premises.

It’s annoying when there aren’t cubicles for those that want more privacy but you won’t usually get this in a school.

This sounds shady AF.

I wouldn’t send him back there. Find somewhere else.

Go elsewhere -
primary school pools are generally crap for anything other than very basic swimming only -

Swim England safeguarding pages give all info https://www.swimming.org/swimengland/about-swim-england/safeguarding/

I thought once over 8 they had to be segregated to single sex areas.

I’m with your 11 year old feeling insecure. Do they have separate cubicles or is it an open room?
open room is a most definite no no.

Get him a cheap dryrobe type of thing and sliders

Most swim schools have changing set up as male or female. If children under 8 need help they go in the changing room matching the sex of the adult helper. Over 8s have to be in correct set changing room. Non seimmers over 8 have to stay outside.

Here's the key part of the Swim England guidance:

Ensure parents/guardians are aware that they should not be alone in the changing room
whilst children are changing, unless their child is of an age where help is required from
parents/guardians or if the child requires additional specific assistance. This is generally
at an age that is stipulated by the pool hirer, usually seven or eight years of age. In such
circumstances, the parent/guardian must be the same gender as the child, unless the
facility has family changing facilities or is a mixed changing village.

Key takeaway: under 8s/children who need help changing should be the in the changing room that matches the adult's sex, not the child's.

So in your son's case, mothers with sons should be in the girls' changing room, while fathers with small daughters would use the boys'.

I'd contact the swim school and say that the arrangements are making your son uncomfortable and don't align with the Swim England safeguarding guidance, and ask for their help in getting the rules clarified and compliant with the guidance.

If the changing rooms are full with mums and dads getting their kids ready, surely he just needs to hang about until one becomes free?

It irritated me when I saw a dad take his daughter into the women’s changing rooms (the men’s were empty as it’s mostly mums who take their kids and no other swim session run at the same time as lessons). Tbh I was also annoyed due to the lack of space in the tiny room and general animosity towards the idea of a grown man in female spaces.

@ShitFacedShakespeare it is one room only so no cubicles. I’ve been in there myself when he had a trial at the end of the day and there was no one else there.

@JassyRadlett thanks. I will look into the guidance.

@rwalker he already has a long adult-sized hooded towel. It’s still a faff to dry yourself under one of those then wrangle clothes on. As adults we might not give a hoot but a child entering puberty like my DS doesn’t want to be gawked at while he changes

@Ghht this is a no-win situation as it seems to upset someone no matter what you do. All children should be told to not stare at others, particularly in a changing room.

if just one room, they are definitely not following legal guidelines.
every year I have to ask some Dads to leave the girls changing rooms despite it clearly stating that changing rooms are single sex (for over 8 year olds). We have teenage girls getting changed that are helping with the swimming lessons so totally inappropriate for adult males to be in the female changing rooms. But also inappropriate the other way round in male changing room.

It should only be 8s and under. For both sexes. And its flouted all the time.

I'd walk in and tell the adult women and older girls to gtfo. The older boys need to change too and it's creepy as fuck that you're standing around in here watching them. Any female over 8, needs to get out.

I think it's normal that the age 8 or so cut off is quite carefully observed. Talk to the swim school about it. There should not be adult women in the boys' changing room at all. Sometimes someone complaining gives them the impetus to crack down on it.

He's going to have to put up with girls up to 8 or so in there though, and bear in mind that some 8 year olds will look older.

Ask the swim school to post a message on the door saying that over 8s need to use the correct changing room for their sex. There shouldn't be any adult women or older girls in the boys' changing room.

True, but in that case you may as well do what you can to protect your own DS from upset. I would follow @JassyRadlett 's suggestion and then contact Swim England if you don't get a good response.

A primary school isn’t going to be an ideal swimming venue for a secondary school age kid both in terms of the changing and also is the pool not small? If he still needs swimming lessons at his age I’d go with the local leisure centre and if it’s not so much needed but something he enjoys then get him into a proper club. I’d ask for a refund based on the changing set up not being suitable for older kids because without private changing it’s really only suitable for little ones. If you can’t get out of it and are stuck there until the term ends though could he not change in the toilet?

I’m a swimming teacher and you’ve already had good advice here up thread. Definitely speak to the swim school. They should know and be aware of swim England’s policy and have something around this in their own safeguarding policy. They may not be aware of what’s happening and they need to clarify and remind their customers of the rules. I’m with your son here.

He can towel dry zip up dry robe and take his swim in stuff of no need to bother getting dressed go home in dryrobe and sliders

OP said in the first post why he can't do this. He has somewhere to go right afterwards.