Weird family situation

[itcouldhappentoyous]

I’ve recently found out I have an older brother. My mum had him before she married and he was adopted. Mums dead so I can’t ask her about it. It’s so confusing she never said anything not even when she was dying. I have a brother and a niece. I dont know what I want. Maybe to talk it out or hear of similar stories?

I have name changed for this.
I did some DNA testing , just out of interest.
One of my DNA matches turned out to be a closer link than some of my cousins, who had done DNA testing. He was also about 20 years younger than me.The site initially suggested he might be the son of one of my uncles, but as he was unknown to the family he would have been the result of an affair and due to his young age he would have to have been born in the last decade of their life. As they both died of long term debilitating diseases this would be very unlikely. Also, this chap had a much closer DNA link than my three cousins who had done the testing.
In the end, I messaged the chap and he said he was the son of my half sister, via my father and she was born before my parents met.
She had actually originally been given my aunt’s name, and my dad had really loved this sister of his, whose name he had used.
The woman who my dad had got pregnant had given birth in a mother and baby home and it seemed she had been kept clear of my dad’s family, who I’m pretty certain knew nothing of her existence. Of course, some of them probably do now, if they’ve done the testing, because they would follow the same reasoning I had.
I found it quite shocking, and out of character for the dad I knew, to have made a woman go through that.
Also, he obviously kept it from my mum, as well as his children. I think once you have embarked on a lie, you just have to keep it going.
I decided that under the circumstances, it would be best for me not to pursue this any further. It would kill my mother if she knew, so I told the young man that, and he was very gracious about it.
It was very shocking, and the last thing I would have expected of my dad.

I recommend listening to the Radio 4 programme called The Gift which features a few stories like this. It is on the BBC Sounds app.

Thank you I don’t know what I will do. Because all people involved in the situation- mum, grandparents have all died I don’t have to think about any fall out I just can’t believe she lived her whole life and never said a word. We have no idea if dad knew.

Thank you I will

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p0gd2dgb?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

My best friend from primary school had a similar skeleton in the closet discovery and had told me about it around a year before I found this out. She chose not to follow up on it. I think she was very disappointed to find this out, and perhaps felt everything had been a bit of a sham.
We are both from Irish backgrounds. I think there are a lot of skeletons in the Irish closets of that era.
I had really adored my dad, but it’s a long time since he died, so I don’t think I found it as hard as she did.

In most of " long lost famiily" episodes the mother was encouraged to give up child and perhaps shamed or was in difficult circumstances (abandoned babies). I would feel very sad for her. Speak to a counsellor to process and prep for contact or not with your sibling.

(Found a close relative thru 23andme)

We found out our great aunt had a different dd and my great grandparents never actually married, she just started using his name (never drove, never went abroad so paperwork wasn’t a big thing then). My grandparents generation had all passed away when we unearthed this and we all found it amusing, especially due to how prim and proper one aunt was and didn’t approve of my dd being born before marriage!

Two years ago - I was contacted about a brother I never knew I had. My mum had him in a mother and baby home in Ireland and he was then adopted. My mum died 20 years ago so I can’t ask her about it. My dad is also dead but I don’t think he knew. I think she wanted to keep him but the church was too powerful. I think the pain and shame she went through meant she buried it and then it become a lie she couldn’t get out of. I will never really know though.

My half-brother is 15 years older than me and I also have two nephews. We are slowly becoming part of each other’s lives and he is absolutely love. But I still find it very difficult - he has known all his life and I feel this has come and turned mine upside down a bit - sorta foundation shaking.

Have you met him? Do you want to?

Take your time to let this sink in. The number of people who could be affected by this information is probably higher than you think. There’s nothing to be lost from keeping this to yourself for a year or so, letting it filter and percolate into your every day as you cycle through birthdays and anniversaries and Christmas and weddings/funerals. Then decide what you want to do, bearing in mind you have responsibility for your people and his (seeing as you would be the one taking action).