Does anyone else feel…lost?

[sodoffbeforemycupofcoff]

I always have this feeling inside of feeling lost. I can feel this sat at home so I hop into the car and travel out and I’m chasing the feeling away but it doesn’t go anywhere.
The only time I haven’t felt this is with people, in particular, my ex used to make me feel safe and like “home” when i was with him, physically, but he was abusive.
My whole dynamic of what is safe or at least what feels safe to me (as I know abuse is not safe) is upside down.
if I was hurt by someone in a relationship, I’d want to be back with them and make it up with them no matter what, so I could feel safe again.
why is that?

I did leave that ex because of abuse for my kids. I still miss him though 10 months on and abuse in every which way.

what’s wrong with me?

Theres nothing wrong with you. Have you had any support from woman's aid or similar? Look at trauma bounding.

Please stay strong and don't go back for your children AND yourself.

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/ptsd-trauma/trauma-bonding

I have heard of trauma bond and I know that’s what I have, but it’s so hard living with it every single day. It doesn’t get any easier. I wonder if I’ll always have these feelings😖

He’s in my dreams, my thoughts and I’m up and down with my thoughts about him (I don’t want to go back but I do long for the person I thought he was!) I know that was not reality though and that’s what makes me sad.

Have you had any support via womans aid, social services or anyone like that.

He's not the person you thought he was. So thats not what you would be going back to. You would be going back to the abuser

Its been 10 months. Sometimes when your away from someone who caused you harm. You can forget how bad it was and you start looking or even inventing good bits. That are not really there. He caused you harm he will again. You have gone 10 months you can do more.