Would you ever admit to DH that you’d take youre infidelity to the grave?

[WhitneyHuston]

My husband and I were talking recently, and out of nowhere, he accused me of having a "take it to the grave" mindset if I were ever to have an affair.

He based this on his belief that "a lot of women behave this way."I denied it to his face, but internally, I actually agree with it.

If it ever happened, I would absolutely take it to the grave rather than blow our lives up.

The twist is, when we first started dating years ago, we both explicitly promised each other that we would always tell the truth if we ever cheated.

Obviously, I'm not going to admit my real thoughts to him! But it’s left me thinking.I just want to know everyone's perspective.

Would you ever admit to your husband that you have a take-it-to-the-grave philosophy regarding your own infidelity? Or is that just asking for trouble?

when we first started dating years ago, we both explicitly promised each other that we would always tell the truth if we ever cheated
dead romantic

I have high standards of myself and others when it comes to fidelity, so I wouldn't cheat in the first place. Besides that, when it comes to long-term relationships, I am very "everything needs to be out in the open". I would never feel at ease waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I couldn’t lie. It would eat me up.

If I was stupid enough to risk my relationship for a night of probably crap sex, I wouldn't ever tell. However, I wouldn't tell him that I'd never tell either! I'd just have to live with the indiscretion 🙊 and any guilty feelings.

I think I might try to not tell but the secret and guilt would eat me up and I'd become so unhappy and difficult that I'd lose him anyway. I don't think I'm the type of person who could do that. So I'll just hope that I don't cheat because whether I tell him or not I've ruined our lives.

When we first got together my DH said he would never want to know if I cheated and he thought it would be selfish to own up because it could only cause heartache. He said the cheater's punishment is to live with the guilt and let it eat away at you.

So no, I wouldn't. (And I've never cheated).

You would be surprised what dementia reveals

I have never, and would never cheat. And I think everyone should have those same standards. Also if anyone did cheat, they should absolutely be honest about it and give their partner the choice of whether to stay or not. But yes, if I did cheat, I’d take it to the grave. No question.

Well no, because if you admitted it, you wouldn't (theoretically) be taking it to the grave.

I'm just noting that he's put you in a no win position here. You're either a cheater who breaks up the relationship or a receiver who keeps it secret. I don't know what he said about his own presumably more ethical response to this hypothetical situation. But be wary about being seen as 'wrong' whatever you do.

FWIW I'd do exactly what you said you'd do.

There is a thread on mumsnet right now started by a woman asking if she should admit to a year-long affair. The majority of posters are saying she should keep her mouth shut. Take from that what you will.

Yeah he sounds like a dickhead

I would never cheat. I can’t understand why people don’t finish the relationship they are in before moving on to the next one.

However, I do have ‘thoughts’ about others from time to time. I wonder what might have been in another life 🙈! I would never admit that to anyone and would take it to my grave. I love DH and know I picked a good one.

The illicit thoughts usually don’t last long!!! 😆

I hope I know myself well enough to say that I’d never cheat (but I’m old enough and human enough, to know that everyone of us has flaws, so ‘never say never’ and all that! Besides…I’ve been single for 20 years, so 🤷‍♀️).

However…IF I ever found myself a man I loved dearly, and IF I was ever stupid enough to cheat on this wonderful human, then I would live with the guilt and take it to the grave rather than blow his life apart.

He based this on his belief that "a lot of women behave this way."I denied it to his face, but internally, I actually agree with it.

It's interesting that he thinks that women in particular, rather than people in general, tend to behave this why. Why would that be, I wonder?

But in answer to the question, if I cheated on a partner in the context of a relationship that my partner reasonably believed to be monogamous, I would tell my partner because I think that person has a right to know. The idea that someone would not tell because telling would "blow our lives up" underlines, for me, the fact that the cheated-upon partner deserves to know the truth and the cheating partner is the only person with the right and responsibility to tell. If sexual fidelity is so important that one exception would spectacularly end the relationship with no discussion and no way back, then it's too big a secret to keep. If I had not cheated and my partner asked if I would keep it a secret "to the grave" if I did, I would say that I can't imagine a scenario in which I would do that. (Also, of course, it wouldn't actually BE a secret unless the person I cheated with was unaware of what happened or had died without telling anyone. )

what about the scenario where you cheated in a previous relationship and didn't tell? But current relationship is completely open (not that type of open) and honest.

I would have to tell DH. I’m terrible at keeping secrets they really eat away at me. I get insomnia and everything.

No point telling, nothing to do with them and isn’t something they have any right to punish you for tbh.

That sounds like someone having or planning an affair

It does, I know! I guess you never really know do you? Equally, as this thread proves, someone can say something they don't mean and you wouldn't necessarily know that either. I guess at the end of the day you just have to trust each other.

That was in response to @Papster above (quote didn't work).

oh no! I never did, and never would. Hypothetically, even a drunken snog, I would tell, and I know that would be the end of the relationship. I'm M btw - I voted and shouldn't have (skews the results). Way OT - but I think M &W are wired differently in their approach to before and after 'an event'.