Nearly 30 months old and very particular: toddler phase or rigidity?

[SleeplessSloth]

DD is nearly 30 months old and I’m wondering if this is just a toddler phase or if she’s particularly rigid compared with other children her age.

She’s very social, chatty and imaginative, and nursery haven’t raised any concerns.

At home though, she can be VERY particular about how things are done. For example, if a video stops on DH’s phone she will keep trying to give it specifically to him to fix, even if I’m available. If I put her water bottle on the table for her, she gets upset, give it back to me, then take it from me and put it down herself. She sometimes wants things “redone” if we do something she intended to do herself.

Transitions are also hard. Getting her away from pretend play to change her nappy, get dressed or eat can take 10–20 minutes, even when she actually wants the next activity like her snacks time.

Separately, she has always been quite intense emotionally when overwhelmed. So I can't push her too much as it'd end up in extreme crying😭

Her communication & language seems rather advanced, so I don't understand why she's been like this.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Is this just a phase?
Did your child become more flexible as they got older, or was this just part of their temperament?

We've moved this thread to our Chat topic for the OP.

Just to add another example — she LOVES her food, so it isn’t usually that she doesn’t want the next thing. Today it was like: “Let’s go downstairs for a snack!” and she didn’t even turn around, just carried on whispering to herself and playing. Then, “We’ve got your favourite bananas!” and she might give a very absent-minded “Okay” but still carry on playing.

Then when she finally does get up, she’ll notice things on the way out and go, “Oh, I haven’t put this away!” puts a toy back “Oh, this one too… ah, there’s another one… and this too…” and it takes ages to actually leave the room 😅

It’s not really a straightforward “No, I don’t want to!” — it’s more like she finds it genuinely hard to disengage from what she’s doing and move on. Does that still sound like a normal 2.5yo phase?

Sounds pretty normal to me. Do you give countdowns to transitions? “5 more minutes then we’ll change your nappy” “2 minutes!” “Nappy in 10…9…8…”

Yes, we do try warnings/countdowns, although time-based ones don’t mean much to her yet, so we usually make them concrete — things like “two more burgers (those food toys you can assemble if you know?) , then we’re changing your nappy”, then “one more”, or “finish this one and then we’re going downstairs”.

Unfortunately it still often doesn’t work 😅 She seems to understand what I’m saying, but when we get to the agreed “last one” she’ll just carry on with the play or start doing something else within it. Sometimes she’ll even say “okay” but doesn’t actually disengage.

That’s the bit I’m finding confusing — it often doesn’t seem like a straightforward “no, I don’t want to”, but more like she genuinely struggles to stop what she’s doing and move on.

Btw I mentioned that she LOVES her food, but she also seems to need everything to be “ready” before she can start eating.

For example, if she’s crying intensely because she’s hungry, I’ll quickly make her breakfast plate and say, “Here you go, you can start eating now!” But instead of eating, she’ll come back upset saying “Milk!” and then “Yogurt!” (her usual breakfast sets) and will wait until I’ve got both of those for her before she finally starts eating 😭

It’s like even when she really wants something, she sometimes can’t just get on with it unless the whole expected set-up is complete.

Perfectly normal. Youre not the poster whos obsessed with looking for potential autism traits are you?

@BillHadersLeftEye
No 😅 She’s my first, so I genuinely don’t know what’s normal for toddlers and what’s a bit more unusual. I’m not trying to diagnose her — just comparing experiences because there are a few things together that made me wonder.

All completely normal imo.

I've had a few children and everything you've described sounds within the realms of what would be considered 'normal' and age appropriate and what i have experienced as a parent myself.

Today it was like: “Let’s go downstairs for a snack!” and she didn’t even turn around, just carried on whispering to herself and playing. Then, “We’ve got your favourite bananas!” and she might give a very absent-minded “Okay” but still carry on playing.

You need to get down on her level and look her in the eye, making sure you have her attention before giving her an instruction.

Otherwise you’re just teaching her to ignore you.

Yes, I do try that too. I’ll go right up to her, touch her shoulder and speak directly to her. She’ll often say “Okay”, so she clearly hears me, but it’s almost like what I’ve said doesn’t fully land when she’s really absorbed in something — she just carries on playing.

If I then try to move her on more firmly or physically guide her away, she can get very upset very quickly, so I tend to back off before it turns into a full tantrum😥

That’s the bit I’m finding difficult really — not so much getting her attention, but getting her to disengage and actually move on.