No good deed goes unpunished

[Bondsolon]

Advice and thoughts appreciated. We were contacted late one night by a young mum who was a friend of my adult daughter. I know this mum well and have a good ongoing relationship with.
She had become unexpectedly homeless. She came home from a work and her partner had changed the locks. I don’t want do give details but no one really at fault it was 2 young parents working full time and under huge strains.
The young mum and toddler son came to stay with me while things settled that was just over 2 months ago.
It has been a massive change for us goes from 2 of us working full time near retirement and happy with kids grown and flown. The mum and son were obviously very distressed and there was a lot going on. As time has gone on it feels like we are not progressing toward a more settled life with them. Mealtimes, bedtimes and strategies for parenting seem to change daily. We are as calm supportive and mostly in the background bit are finding it a lot.
The mum is working and juggling child care it is not easy for her. She has applied for a mortgage and viewing properties this week.
Partner and I are showing signs of strain. We are away on holiday for 10 days soon but would value some constructive comments.

It's a really nice thing you did.
Sounds like it won't be for much longer now?

However if it's getting too much for you, you could give her a month's notice.

Constructive comments on ????
Do you want her to leave or happy for her to stay until she finds her own property?

@SaraHoliday That is a good question. I think in the short term we have a household with 2 near retirement adults a young mum and a confused toddler.
We need some clearer boundaries and consistency regarding the use of the house in order for all of us to thrive.
In the medium term they will move out we don’t want to push them but to give them confidence to move on.
Do you think it is realistic for them to move soon @VestPantsandSocks. They have a mortgage offer and are a 1st time buyer, very motivated to move on.

If they find another house to buy, the minimum time it's going to take is 6-8 weeks even if it's chain-free?

Are they going on holiday with you? Are you leaving them in your home whilst you are away?

Has she expressed her gratitude? has she asked if there is anything she can do to help minimise the effect of her stay might be having on you all? Does she contribute either financially or by chores or both to the household? Is she taking your kindness for granted?

If any of those questions cause you to pause, it's time to set things right and make sure she is fitting into YOUR life not the other way around!

I'd get a definitive date from her about moving out. I know she said she is anxious to go, but that can go on and on and on.

And yes, you are right, no good deed goes unpunished, but in your case, you are the boss of your own house! You don't have to evict her tonight or anything, but a serious chat is probably needed as I think the situation has just evolved to her comfort but not necessarily yours.

Perhaps you should just have a friendly chat and ask her when she is hoping to move by? She might take that as a hint!

You could drop in that you may have visitors staying over at Christmas so you would need the bedrooms back for them?

You have been extremely kind. However, this is clearly not sustainable as it's putting a strain on you and your partner in your own home.

This happened to my parents. In the end they had to clarify this wasn't an ongoing solution and she needed to find somewhere to go over the next 4 weeks. They went with her to citizens advice and helped contact Women's Aid. She and the toddler moved into a shelter.

The upheaval won't last forever. I thought you were going to say that she was showing no signs of leaving . Seems like she is being very proactive in finding a home . Can you accept that things are not going to exactly the way you want for the time being ? Let her sort her child routine out , not your problem or concern. I had my adult DCs here and the food thing is that I made dinner when I wanted to and if prearranged left a plate . Anything else they had to prepare and clean up afterwards . It is a kind thing you are doing and I am sure she appreciates it.

Did she own or rent the property with her ex-partner or was the mortgage or rental agreement solely in his name?

Have you seen sight of the mortgage offer or has she told you that she has it and you have believed that to be the case?

Why is there no formal routine in place re meals, bedtime and actual parenting? Your house your rules.

What do you actually know about her, granular details, that makes you feel comfortable leaving her in your home for a 10 day window?

Thanks for all the comments. It is really helpful to have input on a tricky situation.
She is staying in our home while we are away and are really confident in her. We have known her for more than 10 years and seen places she has lived in and she has always been neat and clean.
This a a young mum in a tough situation and is very grateful. She takes part to some extent in general cleaning and so on. After the 1st month she paid a low than market but fair rent so she could build a reference and to pull her weight. If we took more she would have less to save.

It wasn’t clear from your OP you were charging her rent. That changes things.

So you have actually known her for 10 years, charged her rent albeit below market value and she does some general cleaning for you…..this new information gives a different slant to things.

I would put money on them still being in your house in 6 months time.

Still not sure why her ex-partner changed the locks and she left, but hey ho.