How to respond when strangers ask intrusive questions about my child

[LoisPrice]

Having a child who has medical equipment is proving an eye open. There are many people who stare at him, which is uncomfortable but I guess I can live with.

whats really upsetting is when a stranger comes up to me and without starting a conversation, not even a “hello” questions me “ so what’s wrong with him?”

I have enough going on in my life I don’t want to be rude and then have aggression in return. What can I say so they think about what they just done?

You might look astonished, pause for a long moment then say, 'My child's health is not something I discuss with strangers'.

I never answer a question if the tone is rude/demanding. Sometimes I will just say ''Excuse me?'' and they think again and other times, I just say ''I don't feel like talking about it today, sorry''.

There's also the pretend that you're stupid option. ''What's wrong with him?'' ''What do you mean?''. Usually makes them squirm.

Sometimes I do feel a blunt question deserves a blunt reply so yep, occasionally, ''What's wrong with him?'' would have me responding ''What's wrong with you?''.

I get this more and more. Parents use my child as a teaching moment and encourage questions.

Its one thing asking stuff in the context of a friendship, its quite another for total strangers to be coming asking questions. With kids I just tell them to ask their parents, with adults I occasionally ask a personal question back.

I’d say “There’s nothing WRONG with him! He’s a lovely amazing little boy, but he has ??? condition which means he needs X / he finds doing Y difficult so he uses Z to help him”

“As far as I’m concerned there’s nothing wrong with him at all”.

I know some disabled people who get this and there standard response is they don't talk to strangers about it or something along those lines.

I really cannot get my head around why some people think this is OK to go up to a stranger and ask.

For me it depends on their tone. Someone who is asking because they’re interested or want to help if they can I’ll tell them what’s going on with my DD, and suggest a better way of asking.

Nosy Nora I just look at and say “wrong?”. They generally either apologise for their wording or just walk away.

I don’t mind kids asking. Though with them I’m much less detailed and talk more about the ways DD is the same as them to encourage them to be inclusive and not assume a wheelchair or feeding tube or oxygen etc means she would never want to play.

If my child stares at your child, I will often encourage them to wave and say hi as I have thought this is more polite.
Your post has made me rethink this possibly?
What's best for me to do?

"Sorry, do I know you?"

'Why do you need to know?'

Hoe do you want to answer? It’s ok not too if you don’t want to. People that ask are incredibly stupid though so you could tell them that they shouldn’t ask questions like that because it’s rude and might upset someone.
I wouldn’t bother trying to do anything witty or rude back. It’s pointless.

Would you really give all of that information to a batshit and rude stranger?

"What's wrong with him?"
"Not his manners, at least"

‘Do you discuss your personal health problems with strangers who come up to you on the street?’

I get asked what’s wrong with me, or what happened to me, a fair bit and I am getting fed up. These people are being very rude and intrusive. I think I’ll respond with ‘mind your own business’ in future.

Brilliant answer!

My nephew has a very visible disability and uses a frame to walk. The amount of people who comment or ask rude questions is astounding.
Dsis is a bit more timid and used to it so she does a variation on ‘we don’t share that info.’
I lack her patience so a polite question gets a ‘we don’t share and you shouldn’t ask’ and a rude/ horrible tone gets some version of ‘what’s wrong with you/what do you mean ‘wrong with him’/I can’t believe you thought it was ok to ask that’

With children I think the questions are more innocent and asked for nicer reasons - either they’ve never seen it before and don’t understand why one child needs something/what it does or what I’ve found more is that they want to know if he can join in things with the frame so I have buckets of patience for them (but will tell them they’re being rude and send them away if they’re mean in any way)

I stare and slowly smile at people who irritate/annoy me think Norman Bates in the final scene of Psycho it 's but I don't usually have a reason for doing so, but it works.

Only the be kind and don't want to upset anyone types would do that🙄

Children are different. I expect adults to not only have more manners but to also be fully socially aware that it is something someone might not want to discuss.

With a child, I am much more gentle in my responses. My son is actually very open and will attempt to tell most people his life story, though sometimes he does decide that the scar on his neck is definitely from a shark bite, not surgery! 😂

I have experienced this from childhood - from equipment but also from the way I walk.

I still don't have an answer as you don't want to be rude (although they are ) in case you get a mouthful.

In my experience, having a few stock phrases works - like sorry got to run ( when I clearly can't ) etc.

You will find that many questioners will want to be helpful and tell you that if your child takes a supplement they will be cured or that they too have a poorly "whatever " and how it hurt for a few days (in great detail - it must have been agony for them!) but now they are cured and with follow up questioning look about why your child is malingering.

Then there are the jokers - are you drunk etc ? I also meet a lot of "medical experts" who tell me that I just need physio - if only the surgeon agreed.

All I can say is please don't let it bother you - the only ones that get to me are the "aren't you brave to be out" ones . Not really, as I don't have much of a choice.

As a child I was taught that having a sense of humour was essential - so I may have x "wrong with me" but I do have manners. Unfortunately that means that I can't remind people that they lack good manners

" What the fuck has i got to do with you?" If theyre rude. " none of your business " to polite ones.

People who are visibly disabled or long term I'll with medical equipment in public often get this. I don't know where the idea that it is easier being visibly disabled has come from.
Truthfully I sometimes just say fuck off. Alternatively none of your business.

It is hard. I must admit, I've not had direct questions like that, but i have had both adults and children staring. What's worst is when we're sitting in a cafe or somewhere like that and a child will come up to the table and circle my child - in full view of their parents - just staring at him. Then there's the other side, where people completely ignore you.

I'd be tempted to say, 'fuck off', but I wouldn't in front of my son. I'd probably say, 'forgotten your manners today?' or 'Nothing. What's wrong with you' or 'do I know you?'

People can be so nosy. Some seem to think they are entitled to know anything they want to.

Whrn people ask me things that are none of their bloody business I tend to ask them why they need to know that. I then look at them and wait for their answer. If they say anything, its normally i was just asking / wondering . To which i reply "oh" and nothing else. A good long uncomfortable silence can be very satisfying.

However, there are times I prefer to amuse myself with such people.

If he is a very young child (under 5, say) you can tell them (for example) he went skydiving with his college friends and his parachute didnt open.

The lack of self-awareness in people in general is astounding!

The people who ask this clearly haven't stopped to think for a second that a) you doesn't have a clue who they are so would have no reason to share b) you are out and about doing something where you probably don't want to be accosted with their unnecessary questions, and c) that if their noggin came up with this question then countless others will have too, meaning you're probably bothered by the same old question all the time.

I remember when my daughter's condition meant she had a plaster cast on for a good while. The sheer number of strangers who would ask in the street "ooh what happened?" really surprised me. Did they really want to know? I presume not and they were actually just saying the first thing that popped into their heads as some sort of misguided friendly conversation starter.

I found my minor situation got very grating so can't imagine how intruded upon you must feel. Having a stock answer might be helpful but I think it's probably wise (sadly!) to avoid anything too confronting. Especially if it happens often as the potential really grows for getting drawn into these events to steal the peace of your day. Something neutral like "sorry, that's not information we dicuss with strangers" that isn't too rude and therefore won't illicit an angry retort/scene, but also gently demonstrates the intrusiveness of the question (just in case they care to self-reflect).