How to stop whining?

[babs99m]

DS is nearly 5. His behaviour atm is a bit tough I wont lie

I would like to add he is on the pathway to be assesed for potentially being on the autistic spectrum.

However at the minute he is getting very stroppy and demanding. And sometimes crying if he doesnt get his own way or just at little things its hard to describe but a major thing is winning. He loves to win games races etc and gets whiny and sometimes cry if he does. But today him and DH had a little race in the park and DH won, he cried and hit dh got really frustrated

We told him off told him its not acceptable etc but how can I stop this? I dont want him to whine and cry all the time when its over things he doesnt need to! And i really am trying to teach him we cant always win and wont in games etc

Keep playing games with him. Make sure he doesn’t win every time. Ensure he’s a good “winner” as well as a good “loser” by modelling what you want him to do.

If/when he starts to whinge in would stop the game immediately and explain that “playing games is supposed to be fun. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Nobody wants to play with someone who whines when they lose”.

Consistency is key. This is a very normal child behaviour, you can give him the tools to handle it himself. Show him that a good winner will say “well done that was a good game” , and a good loser will say “congratulations, or well done for winning, that was fun”.

Remember you are doing a great job raising him. Happy kids save their meltdowns /bad behaviour for their parents. However irritating that may be it’s a positive sign. He feels safe and loved around you enough to not worry about acting up. He is probably reining in his emotions at nursery and letting them out with you.

He is at an age where he is looking for and testing boundaries. Don’t have loads of rules but the ones you do have make sure you stick to. This way he’ll learn you are fair but won’t budge on the important stuff.

Sometimes, giving them “ little wins “ helps. For example, if he wants to choose his outfit, let him however ridiculous he looks. If wants all the toys at bath time at once then go for it. Age appropriate autonomy is massively beneficial. You can save your patience and energy for saying no when it actually matters. When you do, keep your word.

Why is your DH deliberately winning races with a 5yo who you already know is struggling with this type of situation?

Dial back on the competitive behaviour from your side and just play something fun - your DH could fall down exhausted instead of winning and then laugh about it. Or your DH could model being the good loser. You will teach more about how to not be competitive by actively modelling not needing to win yourselves.

Rather than telling him off, talk him through his feelings, that it’s disappointing to lose but it’s ok to not win all the time etc

Thanks for the tips yes I did sau this to DH but DH is very much wanting to teach him he has to lose sometimes. They only did 2 then I took over and 'won' one then accidentally tripped over my lace🤣 so it was balanced and bless him he won every one against ds2 who's 2 (and took it very well🤣) so trying an we keep playing too

I keep enforcing games are for fun and some learning which is fun too etc. Its not about winning

Hes gotten into football recently which I think has amplified it as hes asking what teams won lost etc and when he plays matches there's a winner or a draw etc

And also the telling off was mainly over the hitting hes being very handy atm so I did try to enforce no matter how we feel we dont hit people at all

Your DH really isn't helping. Make him watch the competitive dad from The Fast Show. No adult needs to win against a child to show them they'll sometimes lose, normal life teaches them that.

[ETA: there is a massive psychological difference in losing a game of chance (e.g. dice board game) and losing a physical race against a much stronger opponent. Your DS knows he can't beat his father, it's an unfair race, it just tells him he's weaker. If it's for fun and it doesn't matter who wins, why does your DH not let him win? What you are teaching him is big people win and this is very important in your family.]

Stop ALL the racing for a bit. Certainly stop racing a 5yo against a 2yo, that's blatantly unfair and just feeds unhealthy competition.

Research cooperative play and personal best mindset. Both get better results than competitive behaviours.

He needs to have A LOT of experience losing or you will create an absolute brat. Believe me, I know one. She is is 9 and still throws a massive tantrum if she loses.

He should have been taken straight home after what he did in the park.

Okay thanks sorry that was supposed to be more fun but completely get it when you break it down!

Ill stick to board games etc and yes I am trying didnt want to say that word but I reallt don't want him being a brat

She is is 9 and still throws a massive tantrum if she loses. At risk of being devil's advocate, perhaps starting later could have seen a different outcome. Many kids can't handle competition early. There is natural emotional development involved.

He isn't being a brat. Don't fear that straight away. Many kids have a bit of emotional struggle in younger years with things like fairness and losing. These are tough things in life! You also say he's being assessed? So don't put extra on him until you know how he can deal with situations.

Focus on games like 'taking turns to aim at the goal' (say 'good effort' every time!) or run a relay (cheering each other for effort) or anything that involves helping other players to achieve. These are all good team skills to practice.

It does kids no favours at all for them to think they should win all the time, or that it is okay to get pissed off and think it's unfair when they don't.