Lonely - single parenting is like a prison

[LorenzoCalzone]

I'm so lonely.

I'm a single mum and my son has a real reluctance to go out. The summer hols have been hard work. We used to meet up with other mums and their sons, the lads would go off playing and I'd get to chat with the mums. Hes 11 now and seems to not want to visit parks or trampoline places anymore.

I can leave him for a short while now he is nearly 12. So at least I can leave the house, but I cant really think of anything I want to do or look forward to, as ultimately its just me walking around in silence by myself.

I go to office twice a week but am super busy and my part time hours mean I dont get a lunch break - so I don't get to chat to people.

Friends only seem able to meet about 3 times a year. They have busy lives.

I sometimes wonder if a dog would make me feel less lonely. But the thought of having another responsibility to be at home for also feels like my world will shrink further.

I think this is why women end up with average or crap partners, at least youre not invisible.

I’m a solo parent (ie: no co-parent) to an 11yr old girl and felt exactly the same before I got our dog. He gets me out of the house every day and chatting to other dog owners on walkies. However, they’re very tying! Especially if you’re a lone parent. Since getting the dog, we can only go out places that are dog friendly as I don’t believe in leaving dogs alone for long periods of time - anymore than an hour or two-ish - I think it’s cruel. So whilst I don’t regret getting the dog, he’s amazing and has brought us both so much joy, it’s important to make sure you have people who can look after them if you need to go anywhere for more than a short while or you have a local doggy daycare. Other than that, he’s one of the best things I’ve ever bought! My DD is absolutely besotted with him as well. They’re best buddies and play fight every day!

Thats lovely @Foolish1984 I absolutely love dogs and they give you such unconditional love, cuddles and someone to talk to!

I agree though, they're a big responsibility and tying.

OP you need to focus on making some friends you can see more regularly. Any groups you csn join for a weekly something (with babysitter). Next few years your freedom will really come back. I adore my dog but it is a commitment.

Some of the things I have done with DC as a single parent. Cinema, eating out (always a winner). Church haven't been for ages but we went today!

DC does see his dad and he takes him to football. His dad is tight so other than football they don't do much together.

Theres a carnival on tomorrow depending on where you live.

Swimming is a good shout. Beach trip too I know its not that warm now. Also a Zoo is a great day too.

My son doesnt like going out. I'm booked into parent led anxiety sessions to support him, delivered by the local childrens mental health service.

His dad lives in another country and hasn't seen him for 2 years so I don't get a weekend or child free time.

I agree i need a wider social circle @Bufftailed , I saw an art club I might try. I can leave son alone for a couple of hours

I feel it is lonely too, but mine at smaller 6&3 I dread the times they don’t want to do things and that age isn’t too far off for me either.
can you guys go on walks or to the cinema or bowling there must be something he wants to do? Board games perhaps? Sorry you’re lonely, I know how you feel I’m a SM too.

Sounds perfect. Small changes can really help.

That's a shame. Cinema shows early in the morning are practically empty I have found.

He hates the loudness of the cinema.

I tried to get him to walk with me, you'd think I'd asked for a kidney, he spent the entire time being unpleasant to me - I ended up in tears.

He won't play games.

He'll sit and watch a film at home with me but that still makes me feel like im in a prison.

It's very hard.

I know it might sound hard to find but there might be someone locally in a similar position to you?

im a single parent but was really lucky to meet another mum (by chance) in a similar position as me. She only lives a few streets away so we often go for walks together, not far from home, just to catch up. Or take it in turn to go to each others just for a coffee for an hour and a good chat.

we also now help each other out with childcare for short periods to give each other longer breaks than just an hour or 2 breaks (our dc are 12/13).

it’s also so nice just to have someone else who understands and to chat about day to day life with. I do this more with my friend of 3 years than my ‘closest’ long term friends who all have their own families and busy lives that feel so different to mine

Sounds wonderful @blythet Maybe I'll meet someone at the anxiety support sessions

Find a nice park with a cafe and go everyday. Have a coffee, people watch and walk around. You don't need a dog when other people have them. They love you making a fuss of their dogs and talking about them.

How about having a pen pal to regularly converse with for your wellbeing, I think young boys with just a mum are at a disadvantage with social interactions, as not having a good male roll model around to learn from may be what’s holding him back & reluctant to explore life.
As an eleven year old I was without a father or roll model & found life very hard to cope with the things that life throws at you, thankfully I have survived many years now. Hopefully when he goes to senior school he will interact with more young people & maybe join school clubs & activities. 💐

Have you tried joining Gingerbread? They support and have social events for single parents.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

You might need to pay a babysitter if your child doesn't want to go with you to them.

I tried gingerbread when he was little but they didn't seem active in my area, I'll see if thats changed.

I messaged my friend who is 20 minutes away 3 days ago to ask if she would like to go to see a film at the cinema - the film is about a shared interest we have. No reply. The usual pattern is she waits a while then replies to say she's just seen the message, "so sorry" - funnily enough the opportunity to do whatever I've suggested has passed by the time she replies. I guess I'll just go alone - I don't mind the cinema alone, but sometimes you just want to share an experience with someone.

You're carrying such a heavy load. I've read that parents of very anxious children end up taking on a lot of their burden. Your nervous system responds as if it's your own native anxiety which only makes it harder for you.

Would working 3 shorter days feel any better? You could take a full hour at lunch and have calmer evenings with more downtime. If it's a big office are there any lunchtime groups like a walking group?

We splashed out on theme park season tickets at this age, on Tesco vouchers. If you bought them now they'd include the whole of next summer hols.I like the thrills and spills, it was a good release for me as well as DC. And it was a big carrot to get them out of the house, doing something familiar but still fun for me.

It's really hard isn't it? Especially once they have left primary and you don't see anyone at the school gates any more.

I got support from long term chatty threads on here and the school gate.

Later found a weekday church service and cafe. Found a granny of autistic kids who understood. This was really important. Other church services were a bit crap. You will need to shop around to find the right one. Some of them are awful and make it worse.

Library. Got friendly with the librarians and one of the regulars.

Supermarket check out operators. Go regularly and you get two minutes chat with a friendly face.

A hobby group. (Craft, knit and natter type thing)

None of that is as good as a close friend but it helps a bit with human contact.

I've been a lone parent for 21 years.

Autistic younger child and I realised a while back, that i hadn't had an evening out for 7 years!

Don't let your thoughts keep you prisoner. Ignore the thoughts and go fly.

I don't understand this advice

I’m so sorry OP. I couldn’t think of anything harder than being a single parent. I often think there’s a reason society has been reluctant to allow this to happen through the ages.
Can you take positive steps to minimise the loneliness? Insist on leaving the house once a day. Do you have any time off work when he’s at school that you could use to join a local walking group/knitting group/exercise class etc?

Don't let your thoughts stop you doing what you need to do, get out there and start meeting people. Do not be inactive.