How do you arrange when/how often to call/videochat with your adult DC?

[cherryBK]

Fully aware I'm overthinking this and there isn't a problem as such, but I'm interested to know what others do...

If you have a young adult DC (my DS has just started his first graduate job, and just moved into a rented flat by himself), and assuming you want to telephone or video-chat fairly regularly, how do you go about deciding between you when to do that?

Up until now, DS and I have video-chatted practically every weekend, and we'll natter on for an hour or more when we do. What has happened is usually that on a Friday, I'll message him asking when's a good time and giving any constraints I have, and he'll suggest a time for us to chat. That's worked well - for both of us, I'm confident.

Now, though, I'm increasingly conscious that he works long hours in the week at his job, and has to fit everything else into the weekend, so that talking to his mum for an hour is actually using up quite a significant fraction of all his free time. We talked about it yesterday and are on the same page - we both feel we don't need to talk every weekend, but we also don't want to slip into needing a Reason to talk or into not speaking for many weeks at a time. DS says he reckons once a week is a bit too much but once every two weeks would not be enough. Given we understand one another I feel it should be easy to find a new pattern that works... but when I think about the concrete "do I message him then? When/how often/to say what?" it's not so obvious. In the past there's been an expectation that we'll normally talk, because it's the weekend; somehow, having to make an actual decision each and every weekend feels quite heavy. I half seriously suggested that we should use a die or a script with randomness, to tell us with probability 0.6 or something that we should arrange to talk this weekend, and I may yet do that... Can anyone relate, though? What do you do?

In my family of origin I've seen two models I don't want - my parents used to have to call my grandmother on the dot of 6 every Saturday, and that was a nuisance (that was before there was any other instant means of communication though); OTOH perhaps in reaction to that, my mother and I can go months without talking. I'm looking to set up a pattern that's in between!

(I suppose one obvious thing might be to talk every weekend but for less time, but somehow I don't think that would work for us - once we start talking there is always plenty to say on both sides, and I think we'd end up talking for an hour even if we didn't intend to.)

We have a regular FaceTime every Sunday evening. We don’t actually view each other though. The phone sits on the table and everyone just chats.

I often call during my lunch break while I get some fresh air. I've been doing that since I left for uni, actually. My mum doesn't work so it helps to some extent as she's usually free, and if she's not I'll call another day.

She does something similar with my brother, I think he calls while driving usually (relatively long commute).

My mom and I just call each other whenever we wish. It could be a short or long conversation. If either is busy, we obviously don't answer. Some days we just text, no call. I suppose these things depend on the closeness of the relationship and the structure of each other's day.

Oh gawd. I was just wondering about the saything myself. My adult son has moved in with his girlfriend.
We get on well but he’s quite self-contained and Im more needy.
i asked him what would be a good pattern of communication and he said it needn’t be set in stone sbd to just ring him if I wanted to chat or for him to come over.
Otherwise, he said it would feel pressured. He might be busy.
because I’m insecure and worry about pestering him, I’d rather have a set time to catch-up. He’s much more laid-back and would leave it a while.
I’m finding it hard op.
i think every 9 days would be about right for you and your son.

My dd lives with her boyfriend, calls me when she’s got a piece of gossip but I do find it upsetting when she calls dh (her step dad) regularly!

Could you do weekend one week, then the following weekend message to see if a weekday evening chat suits? Otherwise try one a fortnight with regular messaging. We tend to video chat with both DCs together for an hour or so once a fortnight, with in between brief chats/ messages to them individually.

Althoigh an hour a week to spend with your family isn’t unreasonable!

Is this flat local or too far for you to actually see each other in person ?

I have 3 adult dc.
I never video call with 2 of them, but both live relatively close and tend to call in for something or I pop something round to one of theirs, or we will do something like a quiz night at the pub or occasionally meet for lunch or they might ask for a hand with a DIY job or they might come and help me.

The other one, who lives several hours away, we video call randomly when either of us want to.... tend to whatsapp to ask if the other is free at that point or that evening or whatever. However, it is usually much shorter call than yours, but tends to be about once a week but no set time.

Thank you all for your posts - very interesting variety of approaches, helpful to think about. DS is several hundred miles away so popping round isn't an option, sadly, though I have recently retired, which makes visiting more practical (among many other benefits!) My first thought is that weekday evening chats wouldn't work, as he really does work long hours; but on second thoughts, maybe that would be a good way to do a shorter, audio-only call eg while he's cooking. I might suggest that and see what he thinks.

I definitely would offer voice calls. I almost never have time to video call my parents (I live abroad so visits aren't an option) but I voice call a few times a week during lunch breaks/folding the washing/driving etc. If we just tried video calling I'd probably manage that once every few months.

When my DCs went to university I set up a regular 1-2hr Sunday video call among us all and that has carried on ever since they graduated and moved out. I made the point to keep it going as a regular weekly thing and it's now just part of the family habits. For us at least if we'd done it as an every now and then thing rather than a regular schedule I could see it getting forgotten about.

As much as I love it, I also did it to make sure that they kept in touch with each other. My brother and I drifted apart in our 20s and it'd be a real shame if my DCs did the same as they have such a fantastic relationship.

We've also got a family WhatsApp group that we use daily to keep in touch. If someone won't be available for the usual time of the call they'll stick it in the WhatsApp group and suggest another time or day to shift it to.

My first thought is that weekday evening chats wouldn't work, as he really does work long hours; but on second thoughts, maybe that would be a good way to do a shorter, audio-only call eg while he's cooking. I might suggest that and see what he thinks.

Ha ha. Most video calls with my dd are various shots of her ceiling, because she is cooking when chatting to me and moving about the kitchen, and the phone has fallen over.