I am not really sure where to start, so apologies if this comes out in a chaotic brain dump. I'm 42 and have suffered with my mental health for years.
Recently my 5yo DD has started asking for a sister and it has really triggered me. I am not having more children for various reasons (miscarriage, physical and mental health, finances, lack of childcare and support) and I have what is almost grief over not having another, but I thought I had come to terms with it. The questions from DD have brought up a lot of feelings I thought I'd worked through and my mental health is feeling very fragile right now. I don't think this is all based on what she asked, I do feel a lot of this is hormonal and I may be in early perimenopause but I am spending a lot of time worrying about the future, anxious about what will I do when DD needs me less? What will I spend my time on? Who even am I? I have spent the last ten years caring for my Dad and then my DD and I feel I've lost myself. I know DD will need me for a while yet but I can already see she needs me less so I can't help thinking ahead.
My relationship with my partner is for want of a better term, almost dormant, no physical or even emotional connection. It has been difficult since having DD, I have unresolved resentment that I carry the mental load and also negative feelings about my physical appearance do not help. I don't like the way my physical appearance is changing, can't look at myself sometimes.
I go to the gym, which helps, as does thinking that everything happens for a reason, that perhaps my parents are watching over me and guiding me, so I don't need to stress about what comes next, just have the sails ready for the wind to change.
If you've got this far, thank you, and I'm not really sure what I am looking for with this post, perhaps just reassurance that I am not the only one who feels this way and it would be good to hear what helps others to cope.