Would you go on this Christmas visit?

[Vallies]

DS moved 5 hours away with his GF, to a beautiful part of the country. They are living in a shared living place, so nowhere for guests, visiting means booking in somewhere an can be expensive, especially in school holidays, although I find the money and go a few times a year.

GF's family go a lot, not always together but mum, dad or sister will be there at least every month.

He's phoned for a chat today and mentioned that they've booked a big house and will spend Christmas week in the area (DS and GF work in industries that mean no leave over Christmas). I think he realised during our conversation that he's planned his Christmas (or had it planned for him) without any consideration for his Mum and brother.

I've always been very much it's just one day, hope to see you at some point but do what's right for you and GF on the day.

He's said you can come up too, you'll need to book accompdation but you'll be very welcome to join celebrations at the house.

I have never met any of them. From what I gather they are big party people who love entertaining. I am an introvert. DS is introverted to the point he's almost a recluse, and whilst it might do us both good to be 'forced' to socialise, I'm not sure a long period of time, 100s of miles from home with 'in laws' we've never met is a great idea.

I also have disabled parents who wouldn't be able/prepared to travel.

But I don't feel I should snub GF's parents or turn down a chance to spend Christmas with my lad.

No. Forced socialising is hideous. See him another time.

I would go at New Year if they fancied it.

From what you've said, go another time. Forced socialising at Christmas is the stuff of so many nightmare threads on here. It's absolutely fine to say it's not your thing and that you hope he has a great time and you do something else.

it's common to take it in turns with in laws at Christmas (though his and girlfriend's jobs will make that difficult!). Start a new tradition - and make plans to go up in the new year.

You're not snubbing your in laws because they haven't invited you, OP. I'm afraid this has been booked without you. If I were you I'd ask your son if you could do something with them next Christmas. If you and your other son are introverted you will be able to have a good Christmas together. Just try not to do anything to dampen your older son's enjoyment this Christmas as that won't be forgotten. It's so difficult when your child has a partner - all sorts of accommodations have to be met!

he realised during our conversation that he's planned his Christmas (or had it planned for him) without any consideration for his Mum and brother.
He’s an adult who lives a distance away, sometimes he’s going to need to plan things for his own life without considering his mum or brother. It’s not wrong for him to plan a Christmas with his GF.

I personally wouldn’t go to this, his partner’s family have planned it and have booked a house to host Christmas in. They don’t know you and it would be a bit weird for you to go.

Agree that you wouldn’t be snubbing the ILs as you haven’t been included or invited in the planning stage. All rather thoughtless of your eldest but perhaps he didn’t have much say in the matter. I hope you get to celebrate with him and get to know the GF better on another occasion.

It’s pretty common to start alternating sides of the family. Just start early next year and try to make plans with them.

I think he realised during our conversation that he's planned his Christmas (or had it planned for him) without any consideration for his Mum and brother.

Mmm. The danger here is that some people can take over slightly (not specifically Christmas, I mean life in general), and others can get swept along with it, leaving you out. Can you chat with him about this? Is he also outgoing? Do you feel he will end up liking them more than you? I really feel for you regarding this. But no, it sounds hideous and I wouldn’t be going. But do chat with him, make him aware of how it sounded.

…or turn down a chance to spend Christmas with my lad

I don’t think you’re being offered that. You’re being offered bits of time here and there to socialise with another family, and your son will be there, it’s not going to be time with your son like it would be if you went at a different time.

I know GF, she's lovely when we go up. I've never met her family.

I don't particularly want to go, but feel like I will need to make some effort to meet them at some point.

I'd just say you'd love to, but unfortunately you need to stay close to your elderly parents this time. And add that perhaps the two of them might like to come and spend a few days with you at some point over the Christmas period next year.

Yes, I think it's highly unlikely GF and her family will ever arrange alternate Christmases, and like so many men DS will do what he needs to for a quiet life.

Probably also Christmas with the fun crowd is more appealing.

It doesn’t sound like something you’d enjoy. Maybe declining the invite (if it even is one?) will make him think for next year. Get in quick next year and arrange something. Agree with others to do something NY instead.

Yes I think I would go if only for a couple of nights. You wouldn't be staying in the same house so you will still have some down time and you might enjoy it more than you think.
But if you don't want to go you shouldn't feel obliged to.

Don’t go. You are an unfortunate afterthought or you’d be in the party hoise. We have had both sets of parents and it super awkward. You don’t want to go. They will understand they have invited you to be polite and your son deels bad he has managed it in a crass way. Just come up with a plausible reason. Eg we are going to see your parents and that’s it. Flat turn it down or you will get a pity invite each year.

I do think you son has be thoughtless though because

I would pretend he didn’t ask me because it was an after thought and you weren’t really invited by them. If he asks nearer the time I’d say that I’d rather have a quiet one this year.

Do what makes you happy x

Agree with this.

say to your son you’d like to meet the in laws at some point, Christmas, unless you have similar levels of outgoingness isn’t the best choice though. Try and sort out a less pressured way of it happening at some point.

ETA,DH and I have met one set of in laws loads and been on holiday with them, twice. One set lives round the corner and see DSS mum a lot, is a bit. The other ones we’ve met once for 4 hours for lunch in 4 years. It all depends really.

You haven’t been invited. He extended a fake invitation to spare your feelings based on your reaction on the phone call. You essentially backed him into a corner where he felt like he had to extend the offer. He’s banking on/hoping you will say no; especially since he knows you’re an introvert.
he doesn’t actually want you to go; that’s fine and doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. I love my parents but do prefer to keep my dh family and mine separate as it’s just awkward and they are so different etc.
When you’re an adult with a long term partner it’s perfectly normal to not spend every occasion with family. Alternate each year etc, or when they have their own children to just have their nuclear family for Christmas etc and see extended family other times.

I think you're right he felt awkward and invited us out of embarrassment, but I didn't back him anywhere. I didn't say anything in between him telling me their Christmas plans and "inviting" me , there was no pause to do so.

Do you really need to meet her family anyway, they're not even engaged yet?

Agree with most other posters, your invite seems to be an add-on so don't feel any pressure to attend.

Meet up in the New Year if that suits better.

Look kids are weird, and boys in particular about emotional stuff so I woulf take it that he has asked because he wants his mum and brother to join in the family Xmas that has been planned between his GF and her family. I would honestly say that it will be a bit of a let down if you don’t go, sometimes we have to show up for our kids and do stuff that we don’t enjoy to maintain an adult relationship with them. I mean you don’t have to, you owe him nothing but it depends on what place you want to occupy in his life, how close do you want to be to his family, ie him and his GF, to any children he may have. Because for good and bad these things set a precedent for future Xmas’

A visit to DS some other time when you have him more or less to yourself will be far more enjoyable. Do not put pressure on yourself to go to them at Christmas if it's not immediately grabbing you as a fun/enjoyable thing to do.

Without insulting DS, I get the feeling that you are invited as a token guest, just because it's Christmas and you are his mum. I reckon everyone, including you and the other DS will be mightily relieved if you don't go!

Wait until the time is right for you. Lesson learned by me over the years, if it's a wedding/funeral/special birthday make the effort, anything else can wait until it suits ME!

So stay in your own home and relax. Your DS will have a great time anyway. It's not that he doesn't love and respect you, it's just practical.

Oh gosh we had this for a number of years with DHs extended family versus my DPs. DS is an only and DPs were not much for celebrations or joyfulness.
I wouldn’t go. It doesn’t sound like your sort of thing also there is your other DS and your elderly DPs to consider. Ask them to visit or plan a joint trip at another less intense time.