Crying over a clearout.

[ToadRage]

I will be the first to admit I am a bit of a hoarder. Not documentary level, I don't have human high piles of newspapers or empty food packets all over and i can still get to my bed. But I really don't like throwing things out especially clothes, my husband made go through the wardrobe and get rid of anything that either doesnt fit or i haven't worn for over a year. It was really painful as I just love my things. We ended up with 4 bags of clothes and one bag of shoes for charity and one bag for the textile bank. I couldn't go into the charity shop with him, i sat in the car and cried. My husband loves having a clear out.and he doesn't understand how hard it is for me.

Did you want to throw away these things?
When you say your husband made you do this - did you have an option to say no?

Why don’t you wear your clothes and shoes? Do you think you’ll miss them? Will this change how you buy things from now on?

I do but I have a habit of keeping things that don't fit anymore. Shoes are big problem, as a life long shoe addict i had A LOT, but due to wearing ankle/foot orthotics i now only wear trainers.

I am concerned about the indications of coercion I am picking up from what you say OP. Particularly when you write he ‘made me’ and he seemed untroubled that you found the experience so upsetting you were in tears.
Maybe you were as sad that he had bullied you to do it as you were to lose a large quantity of valued belongings. Is this part of a pattern of him ignoring your feelings? Would he listen to you if you explained?

How does your hoarding impact on your DH?
Were these clothes and shoes all inside a wardrobe that was able to be closed? Or were there piles of your clothes and shoes around the bedroom/house gathering dust, looking messy, blocking access...

You live together, you need to be able to see each others point of view and find a middle group that works enough for you both. If your stuff is out of control, you're comfortable but he's not. So your stuff needs purging so he's able to live more comfortably. But that is uncomfortable for you. There's a middle ground somewhere. Or mental health support for you to understand your hoarding and stop.

Or if he's complaing that you have a full wardrobe, but you're clothes aren't cluttering up the rest of the house he's neurotic and controling and needs some help

Once you throw stuff away, it's extremely rare to find you want anything back again. I expect you've done the right thing and you'll be fine by tomorrow. You're giving others the chance to benefit from them . give yourself a pat on the back. all the best 😄

Made you? I’ve done a major clear, an awful lot of bags, we’re moving house and I just didn’t want to transport stuff 3 hours away. I kept telling my DH that he didn’t have to throw anything out, however, if he hasn’t looked at it for 20 years, then I encouraged him to consider if he still really wanted it and would it be ignored for another 20 years. Our beneficiaries are a niece and nephew, I don’t want them to have to go through bags and bags of stuff.

Conversely, it’s pointless keeping (hoarding) stuff that will never be used. Maybe let someone else love it. I’ve chucked out so much stuff, saw my stained glass wine glasses in the Age concern shop and hoped someone who loves them buys them.

Getting rid of stuff that you can no longer wear does sound like a good idea. I don’t love throwing stuff out/rehoming, but I’m almost always glad I’ve done it.

My in laws are hoarders - I haven’t been to their house in 8 years. Going through the mountains of stuff in their house is in my and my DH’s future…

I really hope you feel better soon OP!

My mother was a hoarder, clearing her house, either when she was living there to make it safer as it was full of trip hazards , or after she went into a care home and we had to sell it. Well let's just say it's an ordeal.

It is an impossible task to bargain with a hoarder. They don't want to part with things. My mum couldn't get near her own bed ( Dad had his own room) it took its toll on him too. Sometimes you need an third party to step in.

Those shoes had to go , they aren't good for your feet . So that solves that !

My son is developing hoarder tendancies but I am onto him and I do help him do a cull.

My mum always used to say she wanted " a tidy house"'but didn't want to to the work. We weren't allowed to throw anything out . If we wanted friends round we had to tidy then she'd say " you only tidy up when you want something ' . But less than a day later , the mess was back.
She'd empty cupboards but not put things back . If I put stuff in a bag then she'd want to go through it. Dad and I had to get things out to the car before she noticed. It was relentless.
In the Care home I said she hoarded, it still went on. Newspapers, letters, empty envelopes.

Did H throw anything out or was it just your stuff?

There are a couple of points

Shoes you will never wear again i think it’s probably for the best, clothes that will never fit again, you will never wear again fine, but that you haven’t worn in a year, that’s on the harsh side.

I think it would be fairer for you both to agree to wardrobe space, that you can both close the door on, if you want to cram it to bursting but the door still closes then fine if H wants his to have a capsule wardrobe all hanging with space in alphabetical order or whatever then fine also.

What sounds odd is your obvious distress and his seeming coldness to get rid of your items without some loving understanding.

I would have got to the point of telling him to back off and give me a bit of time and space, and I say this as the non-hoarder of our marriage. My H is far more sentimental, head in sand about stuff v relevant stuff v space v usable space I am aware of that and it’s been a softly softly catchy monkey process but with a lot of patience and understanding we have reached a workable equilibrium mainly by me leading by example and chucking out loads of my stuff and him seeing the positive benefits and me pointing out that it was now his items creating the decluttering bottleneck. So I understand your H’s drive but his method sounds cruel.